SwissTony

iTrader: (19)

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I
almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50
in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The
priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You
didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!"


There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to
me seven times."
The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass
and drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."


A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say
that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now
"cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's
no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature." Muldoon said,
"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think £5,000 is enough to donate to them
for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?"


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."


A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman
to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark
naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, .. "Those little *******s....."

Leslie

All good ones Swiss, the only one I heard before was the lemon juice episode and that version was about a ravished nun and the mother superior!

Les

Ryo

Hey there SwissTony - please check your PM's - I've been sent your way by Paul Palmer.......

Cheers
Martyn

davegtt

Princess Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the daywent on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed andsaid, Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!'

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but iit would not budge.
'Harder!' yelled Camilla. 'Harder!'

Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'
'Come on! Give it all you've got!' she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,
'There! Oh, God, that feels so good!'
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,
'See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!'
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,
'Oh, God,darling! This one's even tighter!'

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,
'That's my boy: once a Navy man,always a Navy man!'

Leslie

Very good

Les