For anyone who knows a woman!
16 January 2002, 01:18 PM
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If you know a woman you may find this useful.
I think PeteUK300 would have found this very useful at Christmas!
Special Womans Dictionary!
Fine
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. Incidentally, never use the word "fine" to describe how she looks. It will no doubt lead to an argument.
Five minutes
These words actually mean half an hour. It is the equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so women feel that it's an even trade.
Nothing
The word "nothing" means something and you should be on your guard immediately on hearing it uttered. It is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" is signal for an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".
Go Ahead (Raised eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with raised eyebrows, it actually means the opposite. The words "go ahead" are not permission to do something; on the contrary it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine."
Go Ahead (Normal eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with normal eyebrows, it should not be confused with the granting of permission either. It means, "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". It is normally precedes by a few seconds a raised eyebrow and the words "go ahead", followed by "nothing" and "fine". She will speak to you again in about "five minutes" when she cools off.
Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but it is an important form of communication between a man and woman. It is also very frequently misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"!
Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
Oh!
This word - followed by any statement - heralds big trouble. For example, "Oh, I spoke to him about what you were up to last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, just run - do not walk. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done.
"That's okay" is often used in conjunction with the word "fine" and a raised eyebrowed "Go ahead". Don't be fooled, once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's okay."
Thanks
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say, "you're welcome".
Thanks A Lot
"Thanks a lot" is dramatically different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing".
I think PeteUK300 would have found this very useful at Christmas!
Special Womans Dictionary!
Fine
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. Incidentally, never use the word "fine" to describe how she looks. It will no doubt lead to an argument.
Five minutes
These words actually mean half an hour. It is the equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so women feel that it's an even trade.
Nothing
The word "nothing" means something and you should be on your guard immediately on hearing it uttered. It is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" is signal for an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".
Go Ahead (Raised eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with raised eyebrows, it actually means the opposite. The words "go ahead" are not permission to do something; on the contrary it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine."
Go Ahead (Normal eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with normal eyebrows, it should not be confused with the granting of permission either. It means, "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". It is normally precedes by a few seconds a raised eyebrow and the words "go ahead", followed by "nothing" and "fine". She will speak to you again in about "five minutes" when she cools off.
Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but it is an important form of communication between a man and woman. It is also very frequently misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"!
Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
Oh!
This word - followed by any statement - heralds big trouble. For example, "Oh, I spoke to him about what you were up to last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, just run - do not walk. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done.
"That's okay" is often used in conjunction with the word "fine" and a raised eyebrowed "Go ahead". Don't be fooled, once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's okay."
Thanks
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say, "you're welcome".
Thanks A Lot
"Thanks a lot" is dramatically different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing".
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16 January 2002, 07:01 PM
#12
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You may notice that the vocabulary does not include key phrases that can only damage a man's mental and physical health, specifically....
"Does my bum look big in this?"
"No, Dear, your bum looks big anyway!" - followed by a loud sigh and an Thanks a lot!
Trout
[Edited by Trout - 1/16/2002 7:01:48 PM]
"Does my bum look big in this?"
"No, Dear, your bum looks big anyway!" - followed by a loud sigh and an Thanks a lot!
Trout
[Edited by Trout - 1/16/2002 7:01:48 PM]
17 January 2002, 11:38 AM
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You have hit the nail on the head there mate,i am so glad that i am single,i cant stand the grief that women can give you.
They are very confused at the best of time with the execption of a certian few.
I have no one telling me what to do and i never argue with them either,i am so happy being single,just messing with women when i feel like it.
jim
They are very confused at the best of time with the execption of a certian few.
I have no one telling me what to do and i never argue with them either,i am so happy being single,just messing with women when i feel like it.
jim
17 January 2002, 12:23 PM
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We have 2 bank accounts, the joint one and hers, she spends her money and ours, the concept of 'my' money doesnt exist. i SPEND £40 on a ps2 game, aggro, she wants £80 (yes eighty quid) for a haircut and I cant object !!!!!!
£80 F**cking quid for a bloke with highlights to cut a little tiny bit of hair of, blow dry the remainder and pour drain cleaner on it. I cant tell the difference when she gets back (well not 80 quids worth). I spend a fiver and get to "look like a Thug" for a week or two. Her hairdresser is called Ashley Rhodes, with a name like that he only had one career choice open to him dont you think ?
Brett Paul, theres another one, anyone else got any hairdressery names ?
£80 F**cking quid for a bloke with highlights to cut a little tiny bit of hair of, blow dry the remainder and pour drain cleaner on it. I cant tell the difference when she gets back (well not 80 quids worth). I spend a fiver and get to "look like a Thug" for a week or two. Her hairdresser is called Ashley Rhodes, with a name like that he only had one career choice open to him dont you think ?
Brett Paul, theres another one, anyone else got any hairdressery names ?
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