Thursday joke
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14 September 2007, 12:11 PM
#6
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Little Johnny wakes up in the middle of the night and hears strange noises from his parents bedroom, so gets up to investigate. He goes into his parents room and finds them having sex in bed. His dad laughs, tells him to get out and throws a pillow at him.
Later that night Johnny's dad hears a strange noise and gets up to investigate. He finds little Johnny in bed humping his grandma. 'Not so funny now its your mum is it', says Johnny
Later that night Johnny's dad hears a strange noise and gets up to investigate. He finds little Johnny in bed humping his grandma. 'Not so funny now its your mum is it', says Johnny
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14 September 2007, 11:51 PM
#12
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Oh well... Friday night but here's mine anyway.
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road, and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!", Ashley said.
"Very good," the teacher replied.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are
Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a
dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the
moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched'.
That was a fine story, Sarah", said the teacher.
Michael, do you have a story to share?"
Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley.
Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her
Plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was
A bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey
on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the
middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun
until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete
until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
"Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f**k away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking."
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road, and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!", Ashley said.
"Very good," the teacher replied.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are
Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a
dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the
moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched'.
That was a fine story, Sarah", said the teacher.
Michael, do you have a story to share?"
Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley.
Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her
Plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was
A bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey
on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the
middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun
until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete
until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
"Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f**k away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking."
15 September 2007, 12:27 AM
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In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
15 September 2007, 12:46 PM
#16
An Irish schoolteacher asks the class to use the word 'contagious.'
Roland, the teachers pet, gets up and says,'Last year I got measles & my mum said it was contagious..'
'Well done Roland,'says the teacher.'Anyone else?'
Katie, a sweet girl in pigtails, says,'My grandma says there's a bug going around, and it's contagious..'
'Well done Katie,'says the teacher.'anyone else?'
Little Seamus speaks up and says,'Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a 2 inch brush and me dad says it will take the contagious..'
Roland, the teachers pet, gets up and says,'Last year I got measles & my mum said it was contagious..'
'Well done Roland,'says the teacher.'Anyone else?'
Katie, a sweet girl in pigtails, says,'My grandma says there's a bug going around, and it's contagious..'
'Well done Katie,'says the teacher.'anyone else?'
Little Seamus speaks up and says,'Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a 2 inch brush and me dad says it will take the contagious..'
16 September 2007, 04:12 PM
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The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a cardigan with 10 buttons, but her **** are so big she can only fasten eight!"
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a cardigan with 10 buttons, but her **** are so big she can only fasten eight!"
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