Alan MaC

Like I suppose most on here, had all the Pavorotti texts today.

Got this one, thought it was funny, hope it cheers you up with no offence meant, welcome to the Weekend!!

Quasimodo, is lying on the ground outside the Notre Dame.

He is bleeding everywhere and his legs & arms are all broken.

He looks up to the Bell Tower and spots Esmarelda looking down at him.

He shouts, "You F*****G Bitch this is not what I meant when I asked you to toss me off!

Regards

Alan MaC

Phil555

iTrader: (1)

Quasimodo comes home after a hard days bell ringing to find Esmarelda with a wok in her hands,
Quasi says "i don't fancy chinese tonight darling"
She replies "you're not getting the fu**er I'm ironing your shirts"

Alan MaC

Very good!

Phil555

iTrader: (1)

One for the pub I suppose.

Flat-Four

Quasimodo went to see his GP.

The doctor, after examining him, says "I think there's something wrong with your back."

Quasimodo says "What makes you say that?"

The doctor replies "Oh, it's just a hunch."

C17RPA

lol

C17RPA

what gets longer when pulled,fits between your ****,inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked?????




















A SEATBELT YOU PERVERTS,
SO BUCKLE UP

C17RPA

2 cowboys talking about sex.one cowboy says"i like the rodeo position best" "i havent heard of that"says the other,"what is it? "well get your girlfriend down on all 4's & mount her from behind.then reach round & cup each of her breasts & whisper "these feel just like your sisters"then try to hold on for 10 seconds!!!

filfy

lmfao

shawn r

iTrader: (3)

greenonedave

sorry but, a paddy goes for a job on a farm, so the farmer goes through the interview till the final question and says, Paddy have you ever shoed a horse,
so paddy replies No, but I told a donkey to F**k off once

stewatto

merlin24

iTrader: (1)

Quasimodo is in the pub having a swift pint and the barmaid says "whats that big lump in your back pocket Quasi?"
Quasi replys,
It's a picture of me Dad !!!!

Daft Lad

fivetide

iTrader: (1)

What's pink inside, has two lips and smells of fish?

A salmon.


5t.

L33_WRX

A Jelly Baby walkes in to a bar and starts talking to a Smartie...After a few beers the smartie says:

'A bunch of us are heading to that new club.Fancy tagging along?'

'No thanks' - the jelly baby replies.' i'm a soft centre- i always end up getting me head kicked in.'

'dont worry' - the Smartie assures him.' i'm a bit of a hard case.i'll look after you.'

'OK!' grins the Jelly Baby. So they go to the club.

After a few beers,three Lockets walk in.They take one look at the Jelly Baby and start beating him up,then walk off laughing.

'I thought you were going to look after me!'gasps the Jelly Baby,rubbing his bruises.

'I was' - replies the smartie. But those lockets are F**KIN MENTHOL!!'

colin1uk

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?

Both capture the moment.

Kodak

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?

Both capture the moment

SJ_Skyline

- Doctor, I can't stop singing "The Green Green Grass of Home"
- It sounds like you have "Tom Jones Syndrome"
- Oh my God, is it common?
- It's not unusual

Boom Boom

fitzscoob

3 things not to say in a gay bar;

1, bugger me its hot in here.

2, f*ck me the beers cheap.

3, excuse me, can I push your stool in a bit.

Just came through on text.

orbix

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a bar in London. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Brians Bar. The moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims but he swears every word is true.

Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister a few times."

ChefDude

these are quite funny, but can you post some pavarotti jokes too please

New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

Two Islamic terrorists walk into a bar......


Boom, Boom!

New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

Give me a tennor and I might!

*gets coat.....and hat*

RMA26

Paddy walks past a pub & see’s a sign in the window

“Pies 50p, ***** 10p”

He cant believe his luck & walks in

He’s greeted by a gorgeous blonde, he asks her “Are you the person who gives *****?”

“Yes” she replies

“Well wash your ******* hands, I want a pie!”

Andy McCord

there was a man walking down the road and he sees this woman with lovely ***** so he askes her if he can bite her ***** for £100, she says go away, so he says what about for £1000, and she says what kind of woman do you think i am. so he says what about if i bite one boob once for £10,000. so she says ok but not here ,in that ally over there. so they go into the ally and the woman takes her top off and the bloke grabs hold of them, squeezing and sucking them and sticking his head in between them. so the woman askes are you gonna bite it then ? and the bloke says no its too expensive!

RMA26

Two old women sitting in a café

Margaret says to Ethel “Did you come on the bus?”

Ethel replies “Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack!”

RMA26

Judge says to prostitute

“So when did you realise you were raped?”

Prostitute replies “When the ******* cheque bounced!”

RMA26

Two men at an airport

First man says “I can’t fin my wife!”

Second replies “Me neither, what does yours look like?”

First man replies “She’s 6ft, blonde, big ****, long legs, mini skirt, stockings and a boob tube, what does your look like?”

Second replies “**** mine, lets look for yours!”