Any Friday humour, bit bored this lunchtime :)
01 June 2007, 01:41 PM
#1
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Any Friday humour, bit bored this lunchtime :)
Come on you lot, get some friday humour going
DCI, dont hold back just cos you are walking a fine line through the Valley of Death
DCI, dont hold back just cos you are walking a fine line through the Valley of Death
01 June 2007, 01:52 PM
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A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out
on the motorway for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair
and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he
suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes,"
he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90,
100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it
and the car.
"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday
the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration
or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your
driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says,
"Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were
trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
on the motorway for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair
and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he
suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes,"
he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90,
100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it
and the car.
"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday
the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration
or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your
driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says,
"Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were
trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
01 June 2007, 02:51 PM
#5
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Bit boring - Spot the difference with some nice music so turn the sound up a bit...
http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf
http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf
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01 June 2007, 03:19 PM
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Probably seen before but...
No. 10: Calling for Jesus
14% of people found this offensive or very offensive
An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.
"Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter.
"I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man.
St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!"
No. 9: A sign in the sky
20% of people found this offensive or very offensive
Q: What's white and zips across the sky at 100 mph followed by a band of angels?
A: The coming of the Lord.
No. 8: Jesus and the motel
26% of people found this offensive or very offensive
Jesus walks into a motel, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
No. 7: Picture of Jesus
27% of people found this offensive or very offensive
What's the difference between real Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
No. 6: Adventure trip for boys
37% of people found this offensive or very offensive
A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.
"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"
The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.
"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.
"Is there time?" asks the priest.
No. 5: What do you give...
38% of people found this offensive or very offensive
Q: What do you give a paedophile who has everything?
A: A bigger parish.
No. 4: Hitler at the Pearly Gates
40% of people found this offensive or very offensive
Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."
St Peter: "Not likely!"
Hitler: I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."
At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on. St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."
Jesus: "Bugger off!"
Hitler: "No, it's true! To prove it, I've got a six foot solid gold cross I can't find the owner of. I could give that to you."
Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God. Jesus: "Hey Dad, I've got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he's repented."
God: "Tell him to get lost!"
Jesus: "But Dad, he's given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews - except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can't find the owner for. He says I can have it."
God: "And what do you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a ****in' wooden one!"
No. 3: Priest and pimple
60% of people found this offensive or very offensive
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple waits until you're 13 before coming on your face.
No. 2: Following St Onan
69% of people found this offensive or very offensive
Q: How does Jesus **********?
A: [Mime: place the palm of your hand over your groin, then move your hand away from and towards yourself, as if you were using the hole through your palm.]
No. 1: Girl on a cliff
72% of people found this offensive or very offensive
A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
No. 10: Calling for Jesus
14% of people found this offensive or very offensive
An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.
"Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter.
"I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man.
St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!"
No. 9: A sign in the sky
20% of people found this offensive or very offensive
Q: What's white and zips across the sky at 100 mph followed by a band of angels?
A: The coming of the Lord.
No. 8: Jesus and the motel
26% of people found this offensive or very offensive
Jesus walks into a motel, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
No. 7: Picture of Jesus
27% of people found this offensive or very offensive
What's the difference between real Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
No. 6: Adventure trip for boys
37% of people found this offensive or very offensive
A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.
"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"
The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.
"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.
"Is there time?" asks the priest.
No. 5: What do you give...
38% of people found this offensive or very offensive
Q: What do you give a paedophile who has everything?
A: A bigger parish.
No. 4: Hitler at the Pearly Gates
40% of people found this offensive or very offensive
Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."
St Peter: "Not likely!"
Hitler: I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."
At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on. St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."
Jesus: "Bugger off!"
Hitler: "No, it's true! To prove it, I've got a six foot solid gold cross I can't find the owner of. I could give that to you."
Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God. Jesus: "Hey Dad, I've got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he's repented."
God: "Tell him to get lost!"
Jesus: "But Dad, he's given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews - except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can't find the owner for. He says I can have it."
God: "And what do you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a ****in' wooden one!"
No. 3: Priest and pimple
60% of people found this offensive or very offensive
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple waits until you're 13 before coming on your face.
No. 2: Following St Onan
69% of people found this offensive or very offensive
Q: How does Jesus **********?
A: [Mime: place the palm of your hand over your groin, then move your hand away from and towards yourself, as if you were using the hole through your palm.]
No. 1: Girl on a cliff
72% of people found this offensive or very offensive
A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
01 June 2007, 03:54 PM
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01 June 2007, 06:46 PM
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01 June 2007, 06:56 PM
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again
to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made
me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came
and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again
to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made
me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came
and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
01 June 2007, 11:26 PM
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hhhm lets see ??
So I was driving the Scoob when the idiot in front slams on the anchors for no reason.
Too late for me and I slam into the back of him.
The driver's door opens and the guy gets out - now he's really small, a dwarf in fact and from the look on his face I can see he's really p***ed off.
" I'm not happy" he says .......... So which one are you ? I asked.
Sorry I know it's an old one.............................
So I was driving the Scoob when the idiot in front slams on the anchors for no reason.
Too late for me and I slam into the back of him.
The driver's door opens and the guy gets out - now he's really small, a dwarf in fact and from the look on his face I can see he's really p***ed off.
" I'm not happy" he says .......... So which one are you ? I asked.
Sorry I know it's an old one.............................
02 June 2007, 11:11 AM
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Doctor to husband, "we've got your wifes test results back, but there's a problem", "what do you mean a problem?". The doctore replied "well, we've go her results mixed up with someone else with the same name. and we're terribly sorry. She's either got alzheimers or Aids"
The husband was furious "what a joke, how the F**k am I supposed to know what she's got?"
"Well...." said the doctor "stick her on a bus, if she comes home dont have sex"
The husband was furious "what a joke, how the F**k am I supposed to know what she's got?"
"Well...." said the doctor "stick her on a bus, if she comes home dont have sex"
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