GrahamG

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he
went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china
in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet
'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave
me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember
his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't
put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on
and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I
wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No,
this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of
terrapins.It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having
me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing
Queen on it.
I thought… that's Aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't
swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well
I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about
Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow


I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange
asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in,
and that was the end of that.
Those less suspecting might not be so lucky
(did see this one earlier....)

riiidaa

iTrader: (2)

This is more my idea of a few of good ones!



RIIIDAA
jack-brown-appeal

Karl 227

True story.

A German woman came up to me this morning and said "why was 6 afraid of 7"?

"Don't know" I replied anticipating the hilarious onslaught of German humour that was about to follow

"Because 7 8 9" she replied, laughing herself stupid, I could of bloody hit her I really could

riiidaa

iTrader: (2)

If you dowanna get done got assault, you should keep movin, 'before Ze German's get there'

Sorry that line from ****** popped into my head...

RIIIDAA
jack-brown-appeal