Drunken Bungle Whore

You get to read job applications like this!

To Whom It May Concern:
I would like to apply for the advertised vacancy for team manager; I am enclosing a copy of my CV, which contains all of my contact details.
I would also like to take this opportunity to draw attention to some of my more managerial qualities such as:

• Ruthless task master
• Whip carrier
• Very loud voice
• Ability to look busy

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration and look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours faithfully,
XXX
The following CV will reinforce any prejudices you might already have built up.
Personal profile
My vast experience of being a bitter old man in training has put me in an ideal position to pass on a vast amount of pointless knowledge. I see this as an opportunity to change the world for the better. In my leisure time I throw peanuts at old ladies and make customer services representatives cry. These activities provide me with an enormous sense of self-satisfaction.
Employment history

• Genetic engineer team leader, Transylvania

This role has mainly involved me trying to sound evil while laughing through a megaphone to motivate the team to engineer in a more evil way. I hold myself personally responsible for the peanut.

• General labourer, Scaramanga's Private Island

While in this position I learnt the true meaning of the phrase ñlifeÍs a bitchî. My duties and responsibilities included setting traps for unsuspecting tourists, moonlighting as a getaway driver, obtaining accessories for a golden gun, inscribing names on bullets and disguising cats as cockerels to fix **** fights. And light admin.
Educational history

• 2000-2003: Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, Hollywood

I gained my PhD here, by studying the effect of magnets on monkeysÍ brains.

• 1998-2000: Clown College, Las Vegas

I had high hopes of becoming a clown, however, I got fleeced by a pyramid scheme while in Vegas and was thrown off the course. I sometimes still wear the make-up and crash childrenÍs parties.

• 1993-1998 Parisian School of Mime, France

Graduated with full honours in the art of street mime. Used skills to spectacular effect, scaring young Parisian families.
Hobbies & interests
When I have spare time I enjoy Squadger spotting [eh??], ornithology (as long as **** fighting is involved), baiting rottweilers, poisoning pitt bulls, being chased by alsatians and solving the Times crossword.

Reality

Oi - that's was sent in confidence

Did I get the Job

Ray_li

Never understood the point of HR apart from ask the most stupid and pointless questions in an interview.

When you're not recruiting what do you do??????

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

They devise Personal Development Programmes, remember, keep it SMART

Stupid
Meaniningless
****
Retentive
Toss

amazinggrace

Yeah don't talk to me about HR, just been knocked back for promotion by two women who know nothing about the business, they only know HR.
Could have dazzled them with figures, profit margins and market shares but they were interested in "Explain a difficult situation you've been in?"
My answer should have been "How about in here with you two, who couldn't tell a placepot from Portman Park"

djuk

It's all very well having a pop at the HR types doing the interviews but the company I recruit for is one most people in that particular profession would give their right arm to work for hence we get all sorts apply for jobs which they're not necessarily skilled up for.

CVs can be tweaked, covering letters can sound impressive but until you get the candidate in an interview and ask some of these standard questions theres no real indication fo who you're getting. If I were to just sit every candidate in front of the management team/director without having vouched for them myself I wouldn't be particularly popular.

And to answer an earlier question about what we do when we're not recruiting its not a lot Only joking, theres a whole stack of HR stuff which will keep me busy ranging from bonus payments, payroll, disciplinary hearings, suicidal staff, maternity issues, exit interviews, to name a few - oh we don't get many suicidal ones either that was a one off

David

Ray_li

What was the most stupid question you've been asked by HR?

HR - What was the most pointless question you've asked?

Drunken Bungle Whore

Take a search through the SN archives and look for any threads along the lines of:

My Boss is an ****, what do I do?
Sick pay - what am I allowed?
There's a bloke at work who constantly takes the p1ss - what should I do
Someone at work punched me - what are my rights?
My car was vandalised in the office car park - what should I do?
My boss is bad mouthing me around the office - what do I do?
Redundancy pay - what am I entitled to? (Redundancy - HR's favourite thing - the Chief Exec decides to make the whole company redundant and HR get to do all the lovely interviews - before getting the boot themselves!)

I could go on - that pretty much gives you a clue as to what HR do all day. Very often perceived as a pain in the ***, they keep a vast number of incompetent line managers out of employment tribunals by advising what the law says should be done (please note - laws are NOT written by HR - we have lawyers and policiticans to thank for most of the crazy employment regulations kicking around.)

The number of times I've tried to train a bunch of line managers on the Dos and Don'ts of employment law - only to be held personally responsible for writing the damned things! Fine - **** up - get sacked and end up in an employment tribunal facing a huge claim which - in a surprising number of cases - you are personally liable to pay. See if I care!

Reality

The only time I've been made redundant I had to make three other redundant before going myself. HR were there to "Advise" me on how I should conduct the exit interviews to protect the company etc.

Told them to **** off - useless ***** - told the guys exactly what was going on

I'm sure not everyone in HR is a clueless fcukwit - just all the ones I've met

pwhittle

Interviewed by 2 women? Hardly Equal oportunities is it?! Not allowed in local government. Mind you neither is promotion.

mike1210

First job when I left uni was working for local council, when I left HR sent my bank details to someone else. Luckily it was my mate who worked there but still it could have been worse. Place I am now, I had an enquiry about my starting pay......a year later....still wasnt dealt with.

Not saying all HR are bad but ive nothing but bad dealings with them in the past, council also lost my mates birth certificate.

_Meridian_

iTrader: (1)

To quote Catbert: "You can't say: "Who Cares?" without saying HR."


M

Jerome

What most people don't realise about HR, is that they are there to look after the interests of the management, not the employees.

Once you realise that, things become much clearer.

phil_wrx

iTrader: (2)

amen to that, i work for a multi billon pound company and hr are nothing but a weight around my neck. most managers worth anything should be able to answer most of the questions employees ask. hr just stick there nose in

Drunken Bungle Whore

I absolutely agree with you. But in my experience most managers avoid issues, give wrong answers and very often make decisions that leave the company wide open to tribunals/ prosecution - whilst all the time remaining utterly convinced that they're doing the right/ sensible thing.

If you can point me in the direction of this utopian company where every manager knows exactly what they should be doing I'd be most grateful - cos I'd like to head hunt the lot of them!

milo

wouldnt that put u out of a job?

Ray_li

I guess someone need to lick the envelope to seal my payslip If HR's not gonna do it I can't think of anybody else that has the free time.

SiPie

HR

Utterly false people

Pointless

End of

Drunken Bungle Whore

Would be happy to be spared the whinging know-alls who think the job's easy and they could do it themselves.

_Meridian_

iTrader: (1)

Any competition to find out which is more clueless, management or HR, is going to take a long time and go to a judge's decision.


M

King RA

There are some hotties in most HR departments though

paulr

But aren't manager employees too. If a middle manager is working for an *****ole of a senior manager and needs advice from HR then surely thats a good thing. Secondly where i work anyone can ring up HR for advice. Personally if it wasn't for HR i might still be working for a total k*ob of a supervisor but thankfully on Monday this week i finally got a shift change ...........HURAAH !!!!!!........pressure and advice from HR contributed to that.

phil_wrx

iTrader: (2)

i dont mind ringing HR for advice but sometimes they are so annoying and can be more of a problem than the problem u are trying to solve

Turbohot

Human Remains is the worst ever department of most big companies.They have no idea of what goes on section-to-section and,when it comes to policies and procedures,they tend to impose some unrealistic ****e!The department that brings a company down to the level of remaining bones, is Human Remains unless,the HR cvnts keep themselves abreast with what really is happening and,don't really live in a dreamworld.

Reality

Any group of people that view humans as resources are not to be trusted .

As for the hotties in the HR dept - that backs up my previous clueless fcukwits comment .

Most female HR people I've met appear to have been molested as children. Most Male HR people are kiddy fiddlers. All IMHO

Luan Pra bang

In theory HR can provide valuable input to a company keeping employees and management up to date with changes in employment law and help organize entitlements, benefits etc. They can also help to stop companies getting sued by employees by reminding managers etc of their duty with regards to employees.

In reality they sit around all day talk **** and take 5 hours to achiveve what a normal person could get done in 10 minutes.

HTH

Reality

10 Seconds

Turbohot

Reality

A story from years ago when I was a lad.

Working for Hertz leasing as a junior buyer a job came up for a proper buyer. I applied for the job and it was also advertised externally.

They offered me £6.5k PA (it was a long time ago). I got my pal to ring up to see if he could get the job. He had no buying experience and was told the starting salary was £7.5k PA.

Somewhat bemused I asked to see the personnel manager (they were called that in the old days) to see why they had offered this. She gave me some flannel about me not being experienced and I told her to stop talking out of her ****. Taken aback she told me that I wasn't allowed to talk to her like that. I told her that I would stoptalking to her like that when she stopped being a complete ****.

She got the Ops Director to sort me out. I told him that he had 24 hours to sort my pay or I would be ******* off (they were already 1 buyer down ). Following day they offered me the £7.5k - told them to stick it up their ***** and left.

W@nkers 25 years ago - and they've got worse now they're HR.

Jerome

You're quite right. Managers are employees too. I should have qualified my previous post by saying senior management, who are not employees, but shareholder/board yes men who consider employees as a necessary evil.