Why do farts attract women ?
01 March 2006, 11:04 PM
#1
Why do farts attract women ?
Ever noticed that you can be alone for hours, yet the minute you let a really smelly guff out a lady will decide to come over, this is especially true at work.
For Example, today, just before lunch I was contemplating whether I could risk a trip to the butty shop before going for a 'sit down', let one go in my little corner of the office and this made a little space convincing me I could chance it, now this was a little above the average due to some serious eating of rubbish the day before, then I spy a female colleague hove into view on a direct course for my desk, not your common office bird, a more refined lady and based on the time and the eye contact I realised she was after one thing and one thing only, the one thing of mine that women just have to get in their hands at that special part of the day, its lunch time and she needed my can opener which I keep in my drawer having lost three of the bloody things (who the f*ck nicks can openers from work?) , sure enough she was carrying a can of something.
Anyway, I realise my dilema, me there sat all guilty, feeling the blood rush to my cheeks (on my face) I have to think quick as she is getting closer and the cloud I was sat in wasnt dissipating, it was geting stronger in fact I suspect it was actually visible by now, billowing clouds of carbohydrate abuse fueled **** evil, I was contemplating making a break for the door but I think that may have released a further (and possibly fatal) few cubic centimetres from the fabric and foam of the chair at the point of contact between it and my smoking rectum.
With a moment of clarity of thought, I decided to pre-empt her request by having the can opener ready, so I opened my drawer and rooted for it, she is very close by now and as I manage to find it amongst all the crap I spin round and hold it at arms length, almost smacking her in the face with it such was my urge to avoid her being enveloped and possesed by the demon I had released.
This is a common occurance, the can opener request, she normally either gets it herself or I pass it to her but it involves a trip to get it, then to the kitchen and a further trip to return it and being one for implementing new and more efficient working practises (it is local government you see) she decides that it may be a good time saver to open the soup at my desk, ARGHHHHHHHH, she takes the can opener and then walks into the epicentre, the very eye of the storm of the methane maelstrom itself.
A few seconds pass, a few slight whimpers from behind me, I couldnt be sure whether this was her fighting for her last dying breaths or just a woman making heavy weather of opening a can of soup. I couldn't turn round, Couldnt look her in the eye as my face would have given away the terrible secret as hers would so surely have given away what she had discovered, I sat there and all I could think to utter, to break the tension was 'Is this where I get a drawer full of cold soup'. By this point I was going redder and redder, my shoulders were shuddering and I thought that if she doesnt p1ss off soon I was going to become hysterical trying to stop myself from laughing.
With this, she was gone, flounced off with a brief thanks but causing further gas dispersal, the opener was safely put back into its drawer and I manage to compose myself and made a vow to go for a poo at my first opportunity to avoid further similar situations, just as I was thinking this I was aware of the guy who sits next to me speaking,
'F*ckin ell, what soup is that, it F*ckin stinks'
So I reply,
'Its either Heinz Cream of Turd or you can smell my fart'
Cue much wafting of folders and that making a big deal of it to alert everyone to the fact somebody has farted, over exagerated arm waving etc.
Slunk off for lunch........
For Example, today, just before lunch I was contemplating whether I could risk a trip to the butty shop before going for a 'sit down', let one go in my little corner of the office and this made a little space convincing me I could chance it, now this was a little above the average due to some serious eating of rubbish the day before, then I spy a female colleague hove into view on a direct course for my desk, not your common office bird, a more refined lady and based on the time and the eye contact I realised she was after one thing and one thing only, the one thing of mine that women just have to get in their hands at that special part of the day, its lunch time and she needed my can opener which I keep in my drawer having lost three of the bloody things (who the f*ck nicks can openers from work?) , sure enough she was carrying a can of something.
Anyway, I realise my dilema, me there sat all guilty, feeling the blood rush to my cheeks (on my face) I have to think quick as she is getting closer and the cloud I was sat in wasnt dissipating, it was geting stronger in fact I suspect it was actually visible by now, billowing clouds of carbohydrate abuse fueled **** evil, I was contemplating making a break for the door but I think that may have released a further (and possibly fatal) few cubic centimetres from the fabric and foam of the chair at the point of contact between it and my smoking rectum.
With a moment of clarity of thought, I decided to pre-empt her request by having the can opener ready, so I opened my drawer and rooted for it, she is very close by now and as I manage to find it amongst all the crap I spin round and hold it at arms length, almost smacking her in the face with it such was my urge to avoid her being enveloped and possesed by the demon I had released.
This is a common occurance, the can opener request, she normally either gets it herself or I pass it to her but it involves a trip to get it, then to the kitchen and a further trip to return it and being one for implementing new and more efficient working practises (it is local government you see) she decides that it may be a good time saver to open the soup at my desk, ARGHHHHHHHH, she takes the can opener and then walks into the epicentre, the very eye of the storm of the methane maelstrom itself.
A few seconds pass, a few slight whimpers from behind me, I couldnt be sure whether this was her fighting for her last dying breaths or just a woman making heavy weather of opening a can of soup. I couldn't turn round, Couldnt look her in the eye as my face would have given away the terrible secret as hers would so surely have given away what she had discovered, I sat there and all I could think to utter, to break the tension was 'Is this where I get a drawer full of cold soup'. By this point I was going redder and redder, my shoulders were shuddering and I thought that if she doesnt p1ss off soon I was going to become hysterical trying to stop myself from laughing.
With this, she was gone, flounced off with a brief thanks but causing further gas dispersal, the opener was safely put back into its drawer and I manage to compose myself and made a vow to go for a poo at my first opportunity to avoid further similar situations, just as I was thinking this I was aware of the guy who sits next to me speaking,
'F*ckin ell, what soup is that, it F*ckin stinks'
So I reply,
'Its either Heinz Cream of Turd or you can smell my fart'
Cue much wafting of folders and that making a big deal of it to alert everyone to the fact somebody has farted, over exagerated arm waving etc.
Slunk off for lunch........
your version of events has had me in fits of laughter
01 March 2006, 11:20 PM
#6
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FPMSL! 
Top write up.
I always do them and keep trying to convince myself it's not a smelly one and then 5 minutes later I move on my chair and release a further delayed stench. Not very clever when your the only lad in the office lol!
Top write up.
I always do them and keep trying to convince myself it's not a smelly one and then 5 minutes later I move on my chair and release a further delayed stench. Not very clever when your the only lad in the office lol!
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02 March 2006, 12:24 AM
#12
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Tis true, the moment you let one seep out, the fittest woman in the office, who never EVER comes into your office suddenly needs you for something, and you can actually see the skin peeling off her face as you try to act as though nothings wrong....
Class write up fella, had me in stiches
P.S. Why is there a sponsored link at the bottom which simply reads "Fart"
ROFLMFAO
Class write up fella, had me in stiches
P.S. Why is there a sponsored link at the bottom which simply reads "Fart"
ROFLMFAO
02 March 2006, 08:33 AM
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I simply cannot stop laughing - this has to be the best thread i have EVER read.
Thank you - it will get me through the rest of what I fear will be an extremely dull day.
Thank you - it will get me through the rest of what I fear will be an extremely dull day.
02 March 2006, 01:02 PM
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02 March 2006, 01:19 PM
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You need to read the "Survival Guide: Pooping at work" - as seen here recently.
Some 'crop-dusting' would probably have been a good idea
Some 'crop-dusting' would probably have been a good idea
"HOW TO POOP AT WORK"
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As
much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the
WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping
at work, following is the "Survival Guide" for taking
a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a
whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful
when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there
are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you
constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an Escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties
feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the
poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you
avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk
can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet
Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under his or her arm. Always! look around the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in
the building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall is called a
Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,
or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is
very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a
stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire,leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A Watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash
when hitting the toilet water. This is also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming
on!, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often acompanied by an
Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger
around forever. This person could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax
while on the crapper, as you should always wait to
poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as other bathroom attendees.
Hope the "Survival Guide" helps, as the WORKPOOP is an
inevitable part of life.
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As
much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the
WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping
at work, following is the "Survival Guide" for taking
a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a
whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful
when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there
are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you
constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an Escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties
feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the
poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you
avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk
can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet
Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under his or her arm. Always! look around the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in
the building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall is called a
Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,
or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is
very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a
stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire,leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A Watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash
when hitting the toilet water. This is also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming
on!, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often acompanied by an
Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger
around forever. This person could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax
while on the crapper, as you should always wait to
poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as other bathroom attendees.
Hope the "Survival Guide" helps, as the WORKPOOP is an
inevitable part of life.
