Gillette Mach 5
20 February 2006, 07:19 PM
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Gillette Mach 5
F@ck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades
By James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company
Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the f@cking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the b@stards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our ***** in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, f@ck it. We're going to five blades.
Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!
You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a ****. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? F@ck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.
What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best f@cking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.
Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my *** with it. They don't tell me what to invent—I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!
You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make razor history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that five blades can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then f@ck you. And if you're on the board, then f@ck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A.
People said we couldn't go to three. It'll cost a fortune to manufacture, they said. Well, we did it. Now some egghead in a lab is screaming "Five's crazy?" Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable in the labs at Norelco, working on f@cking electrics. Rotary blades, my white ***!
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Bic's wake and make pens. Ha! Not on your f@cking life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like Bic is the day I leave the razor game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!
The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, "Hey, shaving with anything less than five blades is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet." Or "You'll be so smooth, I could snort lines off of your chin." Try "Your neck is going to be so friggin' soft, someone's gonna walk up and tie a goddamn Cub Scout kerchief under it."
I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the f@ck up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which Gillette is, always has been, and forever shall be, Amen, five blades, sweet Jesus in heaven.
Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama's about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put another aloe strip on that f@cker, too. That's right. Five blades, two strips, and make the second one lather. You heard me—the second strip lathers. It's a whole new way to think about shaving. Don't question it. Don't say a word. Just key the music, and call the chorus girls, because we're on the edge—the razor's edge—and I feel like dancing.
By James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company
Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the f@cking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the b@stards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our ***** in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, f@ck it. We're going to five blades.
Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!
You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a ****. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? F@ck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.
What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best f@cking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.
Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my *** with it. They don't tell me what to invent—I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!
You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make razor history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that five blades can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then f@ck you. And if you're on the board, then f@ck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A.
People said we couldn't go to three. It'll cost a fortune to manufacture, they said. Well, we did it. Now some egghead in a lab is screaming "Five's crazy?" Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable in the labs at Norelco, working on f@cking electrics. Rotary blades, my white ***!
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Bic's wake and make pens. Ha! Not on your f@cking life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like Bic is the day I leave the razor game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!
The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, "Hey, shaving with anything less than five blades is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet." Or "You'll be so smooth, I could snort lines off of your chin." Try "Your neck is going to be so friggin' soft, someone's gonna walk up and tie a goddamn Cub Scout kerchief under it."
I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the f@ck up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which Gillette is, always has been, and forever shall be, Amen, five blades, sweet Jesus in heaven.
Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama's about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put another aloe strip on that f@cker, too. That's right. Five blades, two strips, and make the second one lather. You heard me—the second strip lathers. It's a whole new way to think about shaving. Don't question it. Don't say a word. Just key the music, and call the chorus girls, because we're on the edge—the razor's edge—and I feel like dancing.
20 February 2006, 07:33 PM
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Vibrating blades and battery power is where it's at next, oh and micro-magnetically enhanced shaving gel particles that stick to the balde throughout the shave while delivering an unsurpassed level of lubrication and protection. Oops, seems I've missed the boat again 
20 February 2006, 08:48 PM
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www.theonion.com about 2 years ago...
Edit: OK, 2 years and 2 days ago:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930
Edit: OK, 2 years and 2 days ago:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930
20 February 2006, 09:51 PM
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My company (that i work for otherwise I'd be very rich) bought Gillette a couple of months back - no sign of any cheap razors in the company shop YET but when they are . Unfortunatley there's a lot of life size David Beckam cut outs all over the building now 
. Unfortunatley there's a lot of life size David Beckam cut outs all over the building now
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21 February 2006, 03:07 PM
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Originally Posted by alcazar
You sure one of 'em ain't real, and just gone to sleep?
Alcazar
Alcazar
?
21 February 2006, 09:12 PM
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Argh! Those bloody Fusion ads! Tis true about six blades, five in the normal place, one on the reverse of the head as a "trimmer" for those difficult places.
21 February 2006, 09:15 PM
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Originally Posted by dtriggs
Have Gillette released the 6 blades Fusion yet in the UK ? In the US last week it was advertised every bleeding 20 seconds !!
yep and count me as one of the guys who got sucked in by the Ad's
Went and bought one and really like it, not to keen on the vibrating part though
it does feel like it shaves closer than my MACH3.
Rags
21 February 2006, 09:18 PM
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