2000TLondon

I'm to be a groom in 6 weeks, and have done the lions share of my speech, and think the humour content is good, but wondered if anyone had heard any jokes, one-liners or funny anecdotes at a wedding that went down very well, that I could use, please.

The only weddings I've been to, the speeches were also heard by most of my guests! And the books and websites I've read are very cheesy!

Cheers

Jerome

Courtesy of Four Weddings and a Funeral:

"The groom has gone out with quite a few slags in his time, and it's so nice to see most of them here today".

Would require an audience with a sense of humour though.

Mark Miwurdz

"When I sat down with my wife-to-be to sort out the seating plan, we decided to place those who had given us the best presents closest to the top table. So <insert names here>, if you can hear me at the back, many thanks for the oven glove."

Alas

From the best mans speech at a wedding I was at last year.
"With the groom having a few relationships in the last few years I was worried that a few of them might show up at the wedding today, but luckily the Foot and Mouth epidemic seems to have stopped that"

Dunk

iTrader: (1)

"I'd like to spank the bridesmaids" is always a favorite. (Just make sure they're over 16 or you'll look like a perv.)

D

Cold Turkey

my best mate (the groom) was pretty nervous and used notes for his short speech which was before mine ... when I did my bit I said "He's been nervous all day. Thats not the first time he's got up from a warm seat with sheets of paper in his hand"

from an internet site ... but went down really well

wwp8

it would be great if someone looked at your lottery ticket
and announced those numbers.

whilst you check the numbers and announce you won, your wife-to-be screams in excitement saying we're rich,
it would be funny if you said "we?? i've been ******** your sis. bye!"

princessyin

these sound more like best man speeches rather than groom speeches lol

Jay m A

iTrader: (2)

Ooops

6 weeks 'till mine and I haven't sorted the music, let alone the speech

Went to a wedding on Saturday, a good friend of mine, of which quite a few of the guests will be at mine. So no pinching his lines then.

The best one was

"When I proposed, I got down on one knee - then the other, and asked <brides father> 'Please pay for the wedding' He said yes and the rest is history"

richardg

my father in law said in his speech, "when richard said a couple of years ago that he had something to ask me, my wife and i were quite excited. he walked in and said 'alan, i've bought a new sports car and was wondering if i could keep it in your garage'." raised quite a few laughs

my brother said in his best man's speech, "i wasn't sure where to look for stuff for a best man's speech so i looked on the internet. after a couple of hours i'd found some really good stuff, but then i remembered what i was supposed to be looking for". think he nicked it off the web somewhere but it certainly got a reaction from the guests to the extent that when he'd stopped laughing he said "but you don't want to hear about my problems" [everyone laughed even more] "or maybe you do?" [even more laughter and he had to stop and recompose himself]!

richardg

and one of malcolm hardee's old favourites (up the creek, greenwich), if someone's walking round the room during your speech - "excuse me, [name would be handy!] - i don't walk around your room when you're performing..."

BlackadderII

I remember saying at my speech something like.

"I remember the first time the discussion of marriage cropped up between us, my prospective missus kept asking, when are we going to get married to which my reply was, who'd want to marry us"

Oh and if its your first marriage then always refer to your missus as "the first wife" just to keep her on her toes

Good luck

wwp8

say something like, i actually fancied ________ but you'll do, better than nothing ay?

i hope this'll be quick going to TOTB soon

messiah

2 weeks until our do,

still have my speech to do so this thread is a lifesaver!

still no music or first dance picked though...

richardg

buddy holly - true love ways

messiah - if you look back through NSR, you should find a similar thread from about 2/3 months ago with loads of advice, comments etc

messiah

Think it's gonna be the Corrs actually - I've given up with suggestions and don't care anymore, she can have what she wants.

...as long as its short!

comic cuts

[QUOTE=messiah]- I've given up with suggestions and don't care anymore, she can have what she wants.

....and you're not even married yet!

Neanderthal

iTrader: (6)

Got mine in just under 4 weeks!
I thought I'd just wing it...

Jer

We are going on one of these new KFC Honeymoons.......


All breast and finger licking

messiah

[QUOTE=comic cuts]The nearer the wedding gets, the more I can't wait for it to be over and done with so I can f**k off to Crete for a week and get away from the in-laws...

pete1977

Im best man on saturday at my mates wedding up in catterick.I dont mind admitting im ****ting myself!Ive got a few things penned down,but i,ll wait until ive done them and let you know how they went down mate.Ive got a good crowd aswell,most of the guests are paratroopers!