betrayed and gutted

I am a long time SN user form the north, but have put this anonymously for reasons that will become apparent.

My girlfriend of 9 years last night told me that she has been having some feelings for a college acquaintance of hers and she is feeling mixed up..

she admitted to being attracted to several fellas at college, and although not doing anything about it, she had thought about it..

"fair enough" I say.
"new people, new oppurtunities.."

Then she admitted she has had similar feelings very recently!


My intial reaction was to explode..
Instead I bit my tongue and we talked about it a bit. As adults.
(I'm 30 she's 32)

I explained that as far as I am concerned- having feelings if one thing; doing Something about it is another thing entirely! <img>

She did say that she has done nothing about any of it.

I cannot describe the pain I felt as she was telling me this..
sick, dizzy, angry, worried and wanting to interrogate her!

(my first experience of this- I suppose all the divorcee's are reading this and laughing at my stupidity.. )

In the 9 years we have been together there has never been any issue like this, I've been 100% loyal (really), despite extreme circumstances in other ways including near fatal illness (and naturally accompanying support etc from me for over three years while she got well..) w ehave always stuck by each other and supported one another throughout several nightmare periods in our lives..

Even though she swears blind that nothing has happened other than in her head, I feel .. well cant really put it into words..

The worst thing is, that I KNEW something was up.. I just discounted it as me being paranoid.. <img>

She has a weekly meeting with this guy she knows from college, who is a friend of a good friend of hers, who is in the same field as her and they are working on a thesis over the summer..
I wasn't thrilled, but didnt want to appear the over zealous/jealous boyfriend.

Then lately, there has been the odd silent phone call when I have answered.
In my heart I was suspicious, but thought I was jumping the gun..

She gets a lift from the guy on a tuesday to work on this thesis etc.. ( I have to sort my kid out and my 'sport is broken at the moment so no car) but he has never come to the house.
Plus everything I say/do lately is not good enough. She goes to bed before me also and doesnt wait up

On asking her about the 'co-incidences' she cried and swore blind nowt happened, I stonewalled in sheer shock.
I feel bloody terrible..

part of me wants to search the house/ her bags etc for 'evidence'
part of me wants to find the guy and cut his feckin hands and feet off..
part of me wants to find a hole climb into it and never come out again.

I'm destroyed.



Even if she IS telling the truth, how the hell can we get through this intact?

I'm not looking for sympathy- just some advice from fellas who have been in the same boat.

dpb

upgade to a turbo........you know you want to

powerman1

One things for sure if she is carrying on then theres nothing you can do about it and giving the other guy a a good caneing isnt going to make things any better..hes not the problem its your partners feelings that are the problem and unfortunatly thats out of your control. My advice is look at after yourself and tell her how you feel and ask her straight if she still wants to be with you and if the answer is not good then I am afraid its going to be painful.Dont start to become intrusive by checking up on her and looking at her personal things because things you may find could be quite innocent and you will end up being more paranoid and this in turn will cause further problems and if she finds out then she will go ballistic and become more secretive.If theres anything to find out it will come to you eventually by just keeping eyes and ears open.
i am in no way an expert in these things but I hope my advice helps to give you a broader veiw on the situation a...good luck
powerman

LG John

ROTLFMAO Joking appart: when I was 22 I was with a lass that was my entire world and she went away for a weekend and sh@gged some other bloke. I was totally gutted and took that oppertunity to upgrade from a Saxo VTS to an Impreza Turbo and never looked back

I'd say the best thing to do just now is try and give it a little time and then sit down with her and talk it though to see if the relationship can be saved. If it can then move forward slowly and positively together to sort out the issues that have led to this. If it cannot then you have to start the long hard healing process (note I'm not sugar coating, it is long and hard). The thing is you'll get there, people always do (generally)

paulwrxboro

If this was me id put my footdown and i mean hard tell her not to see this ****** again to choose me or him
a mate of mine was in this situ and he let it go he now lives with his dad and has hit rockbottom
call me what you like but a man needs to be a man in this situ if shes gonna leave you she will anyway and she has at least been thinkin of it
if you are the type get hold of this fella and give him a good shake tell him to stay away
its time to lose your rag abit or leave things the way they are at the moment not lookin good to be honest


(disclamer) i may be talking crap (disclamer)

flame suit on for all the girls that are going to come on and say she just needs more love

LG John

Women want to feel wanted/loved more than anything. Any problem you have in a relationship will nearly always come back to her feeling she's not wanted/loved enough. Relationships can be simplified thus:

Keep a guy happy: ********, allow him to have nice car, ********
Keep a lass happy: cuddles n' compliments, allow her to have nice clothes, cuddles n' compliments

sti-04!!

You forgot something SB

Keep a guy happy: everything above & make sure the fridge is full of drink

LG John

That's fairly mutual these days with all the heavy drinking birds.

mattvortex

i think thers so many people out there who live togeter just for the sake of it-like they think thats what they should do but deep down there really unhappy with it-this was the case with me when i bought a house with a girl years back. we were living together only 16 months and it was the worst time of my life. made my self ill before i finally accepted that i just hated living with her and needed my own space. i could never live with anyone again as i just need my own space and to be honest i think it keeps a relationship in better shape as your not putting up with each others "quirks" all the time and also you also look forward to seeing each other instead of taking each other for granted. iam sure thers a lot of people out there who would prefer this set-up but there too set in societys way of "you must live together"as soon as i moved out i was like a different person and actually started to feel great again and ive had a fantastic time over the last 5 years. have spoken to people about this over the years and many have had a similar situation and a few women ive met have also said they wouldnt want to live with someone again after ther experiences. feel sorry for all the unhappy people out there who continue to live in a relationship they know deep down they dont want.

jods

I was going to post a flippant reply but decided against it.

Go out to the pub - get trolleyed and pull the pub slapper.
Bring her home and get up to your nuts in guts. Soon feel better.
Your bird'll soon come back to her senses.

If not hoy her out onto the street.

Stringpants

Talk......................................

Its the ONLY way you will sort it...however it ends up.

Good Luck.

Russ.

DJFish

Go and get hammered.

If you go looking for evidence of her cheating, you'll find it, whether its really there or not, it'll just make you more confused than ever.

Piling on the pressure will just make it worse and push her further away, and make you look like a needy looser, stand up, be a man (its a cliche I know) and just say "This is who I am, if you stay that's great, if you go, don't bother coming back. In short don't be a pushover.
If it's meant to work out it will, if not, in a years time you'll be driving along in your turbo, with two swedish nympho sisters in tow and you'll look back on this and laugh.

Hope it all works out for you, in the meantime, go and get hammered and have one for me.

powerman1

Did she stay or leave?

JTaylor

Absolutely hilarious mate. Reading the guys story I was on the verge of tears, like the sob stories they used to do on Radio One (DLT?) with the sad music in the back ground then........ "upgrade to a turbo". fcukin class. LOLOLOLOL

scoobyjohn2000

pmsl.......nosey ****

shaunywrx

There's been no reply, my guess is she left....

































Taking the pc with her.

paulwrxboro

i told him to put his foot down

JTaylor

My missus thinks it's sweet that he's able to share his feelings.

I think I might finish with my missus.

Jerome

I spent the majority of my twenties with one woman. We were engaged and had a mortgage together. We were going through a bit of a rough patch when I started suspecting her of seeing another guy (and I am the least jealous person I know). The evidence was overwhelming but, even when confronted, she denied she'd been unfaithful.

To cut a long story short, we split up shortly afterwards. The trust - which is vital to a successful relationship - was gone. She started seeing the guy in question (within days) after we broke up, reinforcing my opinion that I did the right thing by leaving her.

If you believe her - and more importantly still trust her - and you still love her, it would seem worth trying to put this episode behind you. If you have lost the trust, time to go separate ways - as painful as that may be.

I am now with a wonderful woman who I trust totally and utterly. I cannot imagine being without her. However hopeless your situation may seem right now, I assure you it can get better.

All the best.

MJW

She's basically telling you in a roundabout way that she is or plans to start going out with this other guy. She is trying to supress her own guilty feelings by giving you a seemingly honourable way out ie. *you* end the relationship and then she won't feel so bad afterwards.
A less cynical view would be that she is using the ultimate sexual ultimatum in order to change some aspect of your behaviour. Is there anything you are doing that particularly pisses her off, makes her tut and huff ? Stay on the PC too long ? Out with the mates all the time ? Not taken her out in a while ? Occasionally splash urine on the toilet seat ?

The dodgy phone calls and stuff would send alarm bells ringing (pardon the pun) - why is this caller scared to speak to you ? It might be time to face facts, pull the plug and move on, I'm afraid

Turbohot

so sorry to know this
I hate when things like this happen

EXSCOOBY

kick the bitch to the kerb
9 years or not there is always another bint
id take none of her nonsense!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leslie

I should throw it all in the air now. No trust left any more.

Les

Patt@firstime

I agree with Les, there can't be much trust left between you after all this so I'd move on

scoobyvirgin

http://www.faceparty.com

//Slydai\\

Kick her out. Go buy an STI. Get a younger and better girl than her as yr g/friend and then flaunt both right under her nose

Apparition

(my first experience of this- I suppose all the divorcee's are reading this and laughing at my stupidity.. )

Why ??? Divorce is a messy, sad business. Whether you are the one who is being divorced or the one doing the divorcing.
Just because you two didn't sign a piece of paper , doesn't make this any less distressing. You are NOT being stupid.

Talk, as advised above. And, if it does go pear -shaped; at least us divorced ones have the benfit of hindsight and most of us will tell you that there IS a silver lining in there and you WILL live beyond all this and be happy again.
Yve

Soulgirl

It's no use trying to swim upstream. Let her go and move on. Trying to reverse the unreversable is a waste of your valuable time on this earth - spend it being happy instead of chasing rainbows.

People change and ideals change. Unfortunately relationships are not always forever and it's not necessarily anything you have done or not done.

Good luck mr FreeGuy

EBRWRX

Dear Samaritans, Please can you tell me where the Scoobynet site has gone ?

Soulgirl

It's where it has always been in the other forums not namely 'non scooby related'.