Drunken Bungle Whore

I know I'm not the only one that spends a lot of time in hotels - I'm just back from another jolly jaunt to Belfast, and, whilst lying awake at some godforsaken hour, the following thoughts occured to me:

- The person who stayed in the room prior to you obviously had the hide of a rhino as the shower is invariably set to 'scald'
- Though we can put a man on the moon, we can't design a shower that can maintain a constant temperature for 10 minutes
- The temperature adjustment on the shower is the most delicate measuring device known to man. 1 pico millimetre to the left and you'll freeze, on 1 pico millimetre to the right and you'll burn
- If you want an early night then you can guarantee that you'll be sharing your hotel with 40 people on a sales conference who will return to their rooms at 1am, 2am, 3am and 4am, talking at the tops of their voices, banging doors and 'shushing' very loudly
- If, on the other hand, you have the luxury of a lie in as your first meeting isn't until 10am, then you'll be placed in a room directly underneath the guy who needs to be up and away at 5:30am. And who seems to enjoy skipping as an early morning passtime.
- The most expensive journey in the world is the 5 minutes it takes a teenager, on minimum wage, to carry a tray of room service food to your room. For this they will add around £5 to your bill. And then they expect a tip!
- The hotel industry has largely managed to ignore the revolution in bedding that is known to the rest of us as 'the duvet'. Instead you will be treated to a bed that has been made by the winner of the 1998 SAS Tighest Sheet Tucker award. You MUST untuck this manually before getting into bed - you risk several dislocated toes trying to untuck it once you're in there.
- The TV channels on a hotel TV are NEVER in the right order. 1,2,3 and 4 will be randomly mixed up and often interspersed with 'local radio' channels giving traffic reports for roads 3 counties away. You'll get channel 5 somewhere in the mix if you're lucky. On rare occasions you'll get access to Sky - though this will invariably be Sky 1 on a 'Simpsons Special' evening and/ or Sky Sports showing wrestling. Hotels with free **** are the stuff of legend.

I know there's probably tons of stuff I missed - but I'm sure you'll all soon put me right!

davegtt

sounds about right....

paul-s

why oh why do they still use sheets and not nice comfy duvets ? w h y y y ?!!

STi wanna Subaru

iTrader: (1)

they can be washed at a guess.

gregh

Think Holiday Inns use duvets???

Steve vRS

The complimentary biscuits are always the ones that would be left behind in a Rover assortment box.

Steve

andrewdelvard

At the last hotel I stayed in (Ramada Birmingham) I rushed to the toilets after entering the room and was confronted by an almighty great turd aka 'floater' in the toilet bowl.
Flushed it.Twice.
Nice.

Patt@firstime

euughhhhhh

sti-04!!

DBW - I totally agree with everything you say especially the room service, they just look at you with those puppy eyes even better when its female & its poland your staying

Scoobychick

iTrader: (1)

Haven't hotels ever heard of fabric conditioner? The (bobbly) sheets and the towels are always rock hard and there is always a dead fly next to the skirting board under the window

On a slightly different note we stayed in a log cabin last weekend which was very nice, apart from the bottom sheet on my bed which was still creased where it had last been slept on with a very nice brown nuggety cling-on sort of stuck in the crease There were also a few dark and very long pubes spread around to add interest I removed it very carefully, yeeeuch.

Nimbus

Not so.. I've stayed at two hotels so far where the adault channels had somehow been activated for free (neither in the UK).

I went stright to reception on complained of course...





























Like f*ck did I..

simo

The shower curtain is fu**ing usless and no matter how well you arrange it inside the bath the floor becomes a padding pool when you get out.

boxst

Hello

I seem to spend my life in hotels -- the worst one was in Sweden where I was in a little room with no windows!

I didn't actually think it would bother me, but it just became claustrophobic andhad to walk outside every so often during the night. Bizarre.

Steve

Drunken Bungle Whore

Shower Curtains! "Please make sure the shower curtain is inside the bath before use" Why??? As soon as you do that the fecking thing clings to you like velcro!

And as for the bathroom goodies - I reckon there's another spotty teenager downstairs decanting fairy liquid and turtlewax into tiny little bottles!

And who else has enjoyed the room next to the Health Spa Generator???

Oh - and Travelodge have duvets! How can the cheap hotels manage it when noone else can????

SiPie

Classic

P1Fanatic

pmsl @ that comment.

When we stayed in a small hotel in paris they had free hardcore **** on all night

Simon.

P1Fanatic

Lol I got flashbacks to National Lampoons European Vacation.

The Griswalds sitting at breakfast.....

Rusty (the son looking at some honeymooners on another table): "Dad, I
think hes going to pork her at the table"

Clark (the father): "Rusty hes not going to pork her"

Clark looks over to check the couple out who are getting a bit frisky:

Clark: "Ok rusty your right, he is gonna pork her now get on with your breakfast"

Simon.

jasey

Go to a hotel where you get extras in your room service from the receptionists.

It's how I met my lovely wife 15 years ago .

sti-04!!

Alas

I'm a hotel manager in 3 & 4 star hotels and was going to explain some of the queries and moans but like the room service staff,


















I can't be arsed

hades

Best Western Manor hotel in Gravesend, Kent. Hardly legendary in any other way, but it's where our corporate hotel booking people insist on putting me when I occassionally work down that way. Life can be so hard sometimes.

And if that last sentence wasn't an invitation for a poor joke, I don't know what is.

Type R

Im a hotel manager as well, 4 star corporate company (we use duvets btw , charge £1.50 tray charge, have Sky Sports 1&2, and the showers are very good in my hotel, how ever shower curtains arent .

Ive just bought into a small hotel company, and take over a couple of small hotels in July, I totally agree with what your saying, and it is my mission to raise the game. It is essential you get a Clean light air conditioned room, comfy bed, decent multimedia, a good shower, a quality hot!! breakfast, and a warm relaxed welcome.

All Torque

You cant beat a good old goblin housemaid.

StickyMicky

your wife was a hooker ?

John Catlin

Type R let us know where it is, you never know your luck and me may disend on you for a couple of nights !!!!

Chip

And the breakfasts. Why are the baked beans always just about warm but never hot.

Use hotels most weeks and find a lot of the time that a pubs with rooms have a much better standard of rooms and cleanliness compared to some 3 and 4* hotels.

Chip

King RA

Thats what I thought please enlighten us??

sti-04!!

Those nice country pubs usually raise the game

Do a lot of travelling all over the uk & sometimes europe & beyond & have to say some of the smaller ones are top notch compared to the fabricated hotels we come across

mart360

Did a weeks stay in st petersburg on business, the tv system was strange..

no movies of any sort, so I asked reception for them to be turned on (just movies mind)!!

so nothing happened ...... about 3 hours later i went down to recption and complained...

the TV repairman came round with his one for all remote, and pressed a load of buttons..... instant movies...

so he took great delight in running through ALL of the channels... inc the ****, to which he just said "you know" and walked out........


well i stuck on the first freebie and waited for the enter room number thing to pop up...... it didnt.......ever!!!!!!!


and no i didnt get charged for any films.......




FREE ****!!!!!!!


stayed at another in germany ....tiny room....... but f*king HUGE bathroom witha jaccuzi!!!!!

got the same room on another visit, but the chinese resteraunt on the ground floor was open..... not the best smell after a nigh on the p8SS!!

and why twinbeds...... as a double..... you endup chucking pillows all over the place!!!


or the f*ker from work who rings you oncharge moble at 3 in the morning with a wrong number..........


or voda who do the same. to say you have voicemail!!!


business trips...........love em!!!!


M

4X4BOB

Lots of decent hotels now have duvets, last hotel I was in( Glasgow Hilton) had them, Le Meridien Vienna had simply the best beds/duvets/ pillows known to man, and they will even sell the pillows from reception, new ones of course! In fact, that hotel was ace, 42" Plasma tv, no stupid fooking shower curtain 'cos it was a walk in shower within the "wet-room" bathroom, FREE mini-bar, curtains & blinds that keep out ALL the light and no noise from the other rooms.

Bob