aonoscoob

Without wanting to sound like a complete heartless **** - I'm asking advice for a third party - not for myself.

Situation:

Male - 21, lives at home, small income (just above NMW), starting on potentially good career.

Female - 20, lives at home, similar income.

They have been dating for best part of 2-3 years on and off (due to her being unfaithful). The relationship was not stable before pregnancy.

Since the pregnancy, the relationship has broken down & they have parted. It is very unlikely they will solve differences.

Since conceiving, he has said he's not ready for children, the relationship is not stable enough to support kids & they are unable to afford kids.

She intends to keep the child, and is about 8 weeks pregnant.

He is sure he's the father.

What advice in the way of damage limitation can be given to the father?

What is the estimated cost of childcare these days?


Cheers guys

Aono

Brun

Why anonymous if it ain't you

aonoscoob

Because it relates to a close family member who I wish to protect the identity of.

Brun

Just checking

Lum

+

fatherpierre

Well if she's determined to keep it and it's definitely his, he is, for want of a better word, fooked.

Maybe he'll come round to the idea??

LG John

He's stuffed!! Dad has no rights so the best things is to start saving cause the CSA will be coming a knocking

Drunken Bungle Whore

Well, not sure if I can top the useful advice you've had so far...

Having never been in a situation like this it's hard to say anything really useful, but.... If she's only 8 weeks gone then there's always a possibility that it might not happen - many womens pregnancys fail in the first 12 weeks.

If she intends to keep it, but he doesn't want her to, I'd suggest you maybe need some legal advice. I'm guessing the laws view will be that it takes 2 to make a baby so he'll need to pick up some responsibilities for the next 18 years or so (and if that's not an effective contraceptive then I don't know what is!).

Maybe the CAB could start pointing you in the right direction - either over the internet or phone if it's too awkward to see them face to face. I'd guess a DNA test may be required.

If I were you I'd start trawling the net for any similar cases (and I know there have been some) to see what the legal decisions were - maybe something like the Fathers for Justice site might have some uselful links (no real idea, just thinking 'outloud' as it were).

Sorry I can't be more help, but felt I'd have a stab at being a little more useful than the coathangers post.....

Johnny E

You're fooked..... oh sorry your close family member is fooked

It is going to cost them a lot of money for the next 18 yrs.
Try not to get CSA involved there bas@@@ds

Lum

To the person who complained about the coathangers post. Others have made the point more clearly now but yes, basically the guy is knackered as long as the girl has the baby.

Unless he can get her to sign something waiving responsibility or something. I dunno.

Drunken Bungle Whore

I didn't complain about it - just suggested it wasn't terribly helpful. (And if you scroll down when you're posting an answer you can see previous posts - and names).

scoobyangel

unfortunatly alot of what "may" happen in the future really rests in the mother to be hands, IF she does have the baby, and they are at logger heads then unfortunatly she can make his life pretty **** for the next 18 years at least!

i do however know people who dont pay ANY CSA payments at all, due to the fact they cannot be "found" by the csa even tho their address has been given to them, as there is no legal record of them living at their address, i.e not on electrol register, no rent agreement in their name etc!!!

the CSA automatically get involved if the mother claims any benefits, but if she plays nice she can get out of it, tho it isnt easy... it really depends if the "father" is going to accept any responsibility for a child that he has helped create, wether wanted or not!


if you really dont want to be resposible for a kid you really dont want and never want kids then either dont dip it in, or get the snip!!!

Jap2Scrap

No chance of getting out of it unless the mother says the father will become violent towards her or the kid if the CSA go after him. What is almost always true however is that it's cheaper to make up the shortfall in income support they will suffer if they don't supply details than it is to make payments forced upon them by the CSA (from which the baby sees little or no benefit).

sarasquares

iTrader: (1)

the csa have folded cow HTH

Lum

**** someone else, then poke a few subtle slices in the condom, keep it safe as evidence and claim that she did it then dumped him as some form of revenge.

Chip Sengravy

got the Tshirt mate, things will work out

Jap2Scrap

Doesn't seem to be closed sara... Not sure what the cow has to do with it btw

Latest SKY news story was in January saying closure was threatened. Well I've had dealings with them since then and the website is still up & running.

sarasquares

iTrader: (1)

what cow
i thought it had finished, my sister told me
maybe it is in certain areas.............ok then i am wrong

are they still taking on new cases though

Mrs WRX

If the girl is on benefits then the CSA will come after you. But they take into account wages, rent and other outgoings. You can appeal any time if the amount is too high. Always appeal to get it lowered. As for the abortion issue, you have NO legal rights and cannot make her have an abortion.

scoobyangel

when my partner and i split up briefly, the CSA were here within a week to get his details etc.... tho the chap did say that it would take months if not years to get him if he was of no fixed address!!! he also said that the CSA was "changing" but didnt say it was being scrapped altogether!

G_Sleigh_STi

if its not the right sitaution, they wont love the kid and they are not able to support the child without running into hardship.

Then adopt the baby to a family who can love and care and provide for it (maybe a family who can not concieve them selves) or abortion.

Ive been there with an ex, she addopted. (not my baby though she was 1 month pregers before i started dating her)

Midlife......

iTrader: (2)

AFAIK the CSA target is 15% of take home pay deducted from "absent" fathers for each child. Could be miles out though !!

Alas

Get him to do a Reggie Perrin.

aonoscoob

been on the CSA site and did their "how much do you have to pay" calculator - given his net wages are just over 1k PM he has to fork out £135 per month (based on a 5 week month) - not too bad. . . . . .

She's not religious, but her family are catholic. . . hence the "i don't agree with abortion" line.

for some bloosy stupid reason she's under the impression it won't change her life much and I quote "It's not a life changing thing, I'll just have to make some small adjustments is all"

She doesn't want to go down the adoption route as she doesn't feel like she'lL be able to give up the child.

I can only assume (again being callus), she knows his family is fairly wealthy & knows he'll be on a good income in a few years time so she knows that is steadily increasing income is coming her way. . . . . but there are ways and means around that. . .

Bubba po

"Not a life-changing thing"

Faaaackin' 'ell, what a rude awakening she has coming to her.

I had mine at 36 and my feet didn't touch the bloody floor.

Leslie

I find the most disturbing part is that so many say "if she has the baby".

My personal feelings are that abortion should not be used as a form of birth control for convenience sake.

That unborn baby deserves his chance in life and both parents should shoulder that responsibility having started it.

Les

Freak

Run

scoobyangel

ok.. so she has the baby.... is she going to go back to work? cos thats the only way she would see any of the money that the father will have to pay to the csa!!!

as for damage limitation, there is not a great deal he can really do, except try to stay on at least civil terms with the mother, just as if they are not even on speaking terms or are constantly fighting it can make life very hard for him, and her!

always a messy situation, rarely a brilliant outcome, is the father wanting to see the child etc after it is born, or does he want absolutly no ties whatsoever in its life?

aonoscoob

I do agree with the above but, they were using birth controll (apparently), and unfortunately she did get pregnant. It's a bit of a moot point really.

As for the pro-life stuff, that your opinion and you are welcome to it.

/edit

the father is still on speaking terms with mother.

He's unsure how he feels regards to his future with the child. I'm hopeing he keeps contact.

scoobyangel

as for the "cost of childcare"... it varies, yes it is expensive, and they need things all the time, like nappies, milk, food clothes etc.... but you can do this on a budget, (i have, and we skinter than a skint thing on drugs!!) my boy goes without nothing, ok so we cant afford the flashy stuff or the designer clothes for him, but at the end of the day he is a child, and children dont care what "label" clothes they wear for a fair few years!!!!

if you were meaning cost of nurserie fee's etc... they range from about £23 per whole day, tho funding is recieved when child is three i think!