Originally Posted by Amen Corner

Ah, Joey Deacon


For the benefit of the under 30s

Cast your mind back (if you can) to 1981, the International Year of The Disabled. Blue Peter - ever worthy in its selection of good causes for which to have a few bring and buy sales and a tacky monetary thermometer - had used this as a launchpad to raise awareness throughout the nation's children of the plight of the disabled. In order to tug at the nation's collective heartstrings, they wheeled on a quite severely handicapped person - a spastic, as they were still called back then - by the name of Joey Deacon.

However, they utterly failed to take into account the fact that the vast majority of children are, deep down and not to put too fine a point on it, utter *****. Within twenty four hours playgrounds and classrooms the length and breadth of the country rang out to the cries of "Joey", invariably accompanied by the most remarkable impersonations of our eponymous hero's contorted face (tongue pushed into lower lip) and extra-terrestial hand movements.

Every cack-handedly caught cricket ball, every missed conversion, every incorrectly answered question in class or mal-coordinated attempt at gymnastics was instantaneously met with a universal cry of "eeeeeeemmmmmmmmmmhhhh" as if the entire class were straining for a synchronised dump.

As a direct consequence, one couldn't even say the word "spastic" at a vicar's tea party without breaking into a embarassed smile. The Spastic Society had to change its name to SCOPE, and the more technical term of cerebral palsy came into common useage.

Of course, in the days before Joey we used to pull our elbows inside out T-shirts, dangling our hands loosely outside, and cry "flid", in exaltation of those whose mothers has taken the thalidomide drug during their pregnancy.

How am I doing Mikey?

Originally Posted by Norman D. Landing

Driving to work this morning and came to a spot where at least once a week I have to wait whilst a farmer walks his herd of cows either to or from the milking shed along about 500 yards of road.

Predictably there they were, bunch of dopey looking fat ba$t4rds idling their way along with the farmer driving a small tractor behin them keeping them moving.

Then it happened, 2 or 3 cows had gone past my car when once moo-ing son of a heiffer stood looking at my bonnet directly in front of the car and decides to jump up !!!!

The stupid cud chewing freezer full of steaks-to-be put both front legs up and totally ferked my bonnet!!!

I was the only car waiting at the time and there was nothing behind me so fearing that the flea infested, 6 titted f*ckwit was going for all 4 legs I panicked, rammed it in reverse and shot backwards !

Well next thing, the dozey fat big dopey eyed **** sprayer falls flat on it's chest with it's legs sprawled out in front of it and didnt get up. I get out of the car to check my bonnet (predictably dented and scratched) when the farmer comes running along screaming at me about how I've intentionally injured his cow.

The cow is still on the floor looking like something .......well........stupid, and breathing quite heavily. Farmer Joe tells me he's going to report me, I tell him to **** off and think himself luckty that I didnt slam it in first and finish the job!!


He rants that the cow will have to be put down and I'm going to be billed for the price of the cow and the vet's time, I tell him that I'm reporting him to the police for blocking a public highway and NEVER cleaning up all the **** afterwards !

He goes mental and starts threatening me so I got back in the car. He walks along to the car and yet again I panic, I hit the horn and flashed the lights at the rest of the herd and they all go ballistic and this is where the stampede starts, luckily they all turn and leg it the other way, god knows what would have happened if the bunch of mangy, **** covered reekers had run in my direction. I reversed back to a junction, turned round and went a different way to work with Farmer Joe running after his brainless chums.

I haven't done anything about it yet apart from book the car in for a look at the damage and get a quote.

Does anybody know where I stand legally here ?? Is the farmer entitled to block the road every day ? Are they insured ?

Help ?

Originally Posted by unclebuck

Norman D. Landing

I need say no more...

Originally Posted by STi_go_fast

i think you'll find that the wild horses hunt- normal horses eat hay and stuff cause we feed the- on their own they will eat small animals as well as grass, etc that grows in their habbitat.

SGF

Originally Posted by Capacious Nadgers

Hi

Very long post, sorry!

Before i start, please dont let this turn into a debarcle of ridicule. I'm feeling a little fragile at the moment

A few weeks ago i started to get a bit of an itchy ring. "Nothing wrong in that" i hear you say "Itchy bum, money to come" i think is the saying Anyway, i, like you probably would, didn't give it a second thought until a week or so ago when i went to take a dump and found it to be a "painfull" experience. Once again, "thats okay" i here you say, " you've probably got constipation, it'll be alright". Again i thought, okay try a little All Bran, eat sensibly and it'll clear up

No fookin chance the pain i was getting from my rusty bullet was enormous and by the end of that same day i felt a huge grape bulging from my ring I got home and thought WTF is this, is it half my insides coming out! I took a mirror and tried to see the damage and there before my very eyes was a huge red grape dangling from my rectum I'm not talkin about a little red seedless grape neither. This ****** is the size of a full blooded champagne grape, grown by Monsieur Le Grape, owner of the largest grape farm in europe

So the next morning i decided to purchase the well recommended product that is "Germoloids", on reading the directions it tells me to insert a 3" conical shaped tube up my down pipe and squirt some white cream into the turd chamber (at this point i'd like to make it clear that i appreciate that some ladies on here deny this "right of passage" to their partners and i can sympathise with you implicitly ) Anyway now back to the cream. I inserted the creamy substance but this didn't seem to do much so then i gently caressed the affected area with said cream and i must admit that it did ease the pain a little.

However much i used it though, the grape stayed there pulsating away sending shooting pains up my riggot. So last week i went to the Doctors and explained the problem to the female Doctor and of course with that all knowing look she nodded and said take these 3 times a day. Result i thought just get this course of whatever and my ring will once gain look like a sheriffs badge instead of a side profile of elephant mans head

I scurried home after being given the medication by my chemist (20 year old blonde chick) and fumbled eagerly at the directions. **** I've got to put these torpedo things WHERE! My heart sank at thought of violating my down pipe once more I sulked off to the bathroom to see if i could "take" one these monsters and surprisingly the wax "Kato" snuggly slipped in then out then in again. Finally it seated itself and to be honest since then i've become quite adept at it

So now three days in and has it changed, has it **** I have constantly inflicted pain onto myself, for what, absolutley nothing.

Which now brings me to SN a disguised username and a very humbled person who has visions of a few days ahead when he has to go and hear the words from this Doctor "Just slip your trousers down, bend over and present your mangled up @rsehole in front of my face please" type request.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE does anyone have any advice. I've been made to suffer by this rogue vineyard that is my **** enough, i just cant be de-viled and made to feel a complete dick in front of this Doctor. I'm sure someone must have gone through this and got an answer any help would be appreciated

Originally Posted by Makalu

Mole update... (Animal activists stop here!)

There are now about nearly a dozen mole volcanos on the lawn and in the flower beds (does this mean 10 moles or one hyperactive mole?) and not a single one of them has twitched whilst I have been watching. Over the bankholiday weekend, I decide to confront them once and for all. I set my video camera up on a tripod in the upstairs bedroom to watch the holes on the lawn overnight to see what happens. I leave the outside halogen security lights on to provide some 'studio lighting' and hope it wont scare them away. Camera left on slow motion recording to get about 8 hours on the tape.

I have numbered each hole using parts from my little lads garden golf set so I can easily see which hole is most active and I now carry on the golf theme by referring to each little volcano as 'the first', the ninth etc.... (By now the wife thinks I am completely barmy and just watches the plot unfold from the kitchen window with a wry grin firmly attached.)

9pm - Start video camera and settle in for the evening to watch my new dvd called 'Signs' with Mel Gibson (great film!)

Sunday morning 7am, I retreive tape and start to watch it using fast forward button on VCR. Nothing happens... Spend most of Sunday morning watching a totally inert picture of my mini-golf course on the telly until the tape reaches about 3:12am on Sunday morning. Movement on the fifth! I make a note of the time on the video and continue watching... 3:26am on the 6th (which I think is connected to the 5th as they are quite close) there is more movement - you can just make out what looks like a small head coming out of the hole. Continue watching - but thats it - nothing else. The tape runs out.

Spend Sunday lunchtime at the local garden centre buying traps, repellents, sonic devices - anything that looks vaguely poisonous, sharp or dangerous to small animals. £70 lighter, I go home to prepare for the evenings battle.

My armoury consist of:
1 x expensive sonic probe thingy (looks like a long metal tube with a ball on the end, you stick it in the ground and its supposed to scare the pesky critters away with some kind of high pitched noise)

2 x evil looking metal traps that squidge the mole between a set of sharp metal teeth if it passes through a hole in the middle.

2 x 'Humane' mole trap - a tube that you lay in the tunnel that allows creatures in but not out.

1 x packet of 4 greenhouse smoke making thingys

1 x can of petrol (Std unleaded - not wasting Optimax on these little bu66ers!)

1 x length of hosepipe about 8 feet long (to pour petrol down holes)

1 x air rifle with pointed pellets (just in case they retaliate)

1 x swiss army knife - (you never know when that pair of scissors will come in handy)

THE PLAN...

It looks like the 5th and the 6th are the most active holes so I leave those alone for the moment.

I place the expensive sonic device thingy in one of the other holes (the third) about 12 feet away from the 5th and carefully put the hosepipe down the tunnel leading from the 2nd towards the general direction of the 5th and 6th - about 5 or 6 feet of tube goes down the tunnel. I fix a funnel to the end to make it easy to pour in the gas.

Next I carefully insert the two evil traps into holes 4 and 7 (the next closest holes to the 5th and 6th were lasts nights action took place) and then place the 2 humane traps into the 5th and 6th wearing gloves to mask my scent. In the remaining holes (the 1st, 8th, 9th, and 10th) I place the smoke pellets.

THE ATTACK...
Deciding that it might make sense to activate the traps etc around the same time of night as they appeared on the video, I stay up until 3am on Monday morning before I start the offensive. Also means that the smoke from the pellets wont alarm the neighbours too much!

Creaping out in the dark I first pour the petrol down the funnel into the tunnel - after about a quarter of a gallon, the smell start to get a little too pungent and I stop pouring. I light up the smoke pellets and put a cover over each one so the smoke cannot escape and stays in the tunnels. Not very effective... Smoke everywhere.

Next up is the sonic thingy - I connect the battery to switch it on and shove it down the third. (By this time Im very tired
but having fun so the idea of killing these things starts to bring on the 'fog of war'....)

With everything in place its time to light the petrol.....

Using a long fireplace taper I try to light the petrol sodden rag that protrudes out of the 2nd hole. Eventually (after another dowsing with gas) it catches.

Not sure what happened next.

There was a brief runmbling underground and I guess about 4 or 5 seconds later, three of the four burning smoke pellets flew
up into the air out of their holes like cannonballs, trailing smoke behind them like the red arrows. Two of them lodged in nearby trees - the other flew over next door.

Blue flames shot out of the 2nd, 5th and 6th making them look like real volcanoes and the two plastic 'humane' traps caught fire and promptly started buring the surrounding grass. It was a bit like a scene from apocalypse now - all the smoke and fire.

I grabbed the shovel I had ready (for clouting the moles when they tried to escape) and started beating out the flames. Unfortunately, whilst doing this, I also smacked the expensive sonic thingy and killed it (it even let out a dieing squeak!)

I swiftly put out the grass that was on fire before the neighbours noticed and decided at that point to call it a night.

Tired, dirty and smelling of smoke and petrol, I crept in to bed. The wife asked if I had 'got them' - I said "No, it was round
one to the moles".

Next morning the garden looked terrible. The grass where the tunnels were was all singed and around each of the 2nd, 5th and
6th volcanoes was a large circle of black grass. The humane traps had melted and the expensive sonic thingy's top was broken off.
Of the original 8 or so feet of hose pipe, only 2 - 3 feet remained - dont know what happened to the rest of it.

The smoke pellets in the trees still smoked a little and I had succesfully fumigated next doors fish pond with the third.

Cleaning up the mess, I collected the lads golf game numbers from each hole - 1 thru to 10 - trouble is there was now 11 holes. I guess the little 5ods had made another volcano last night!

I drowned my sorrows down the pub and ended up talking to a farmer who, on hearing my tale, told me that the only way to get rid of moles is to dig them out.

I have cleaned my spade ready for next weekend.

Mak.

(Edited for pselling)



[Edited by Makalu - 5/8/2003 10:27:11 AM]

Originally Posted by TonyG

Another vote for the mole thread
First time I read it, I was crying with laughter

Originally Posted by STi go fast

there is a bend but i normally get so much height of the bridge that i can see round the corner (over a small brick wall) and so, if nothings coming, i can take a racing line throught the corner.

Originally Posted by speedking

One of my favourite threads.

After a warning about the dangers of bends after hump backed bridges:

Originally posted on 27 February 2002
LMAO.