7. Rear spoiler

Take one piece of corrugated iron from your old school's bikeshed roof. Get four nails from B&Q. Carefully nail corrugation to back of Nova. Hey presto – a rear-wing that looks as good as the one on a 911 Turbo and will make the car go faster still. We quite like the one on the current Subaru Impreza, a car that will become chavtastically ubiquitous in about 10 years' time.

Subaru Impreza - A professional job



9. Vented bonnet

Every car should have one, probably. We like the one on the Impreza, though it is clearly too refined and not showy-offy enough. We gather it may even serve a practical purpose too, which is obviously totally unacceptable. The golden rules for all chav accessories is that they must all be utterly and irredeemably useless, and essentially worthless as soon as they are bought or stolen.