LG John

I've been with a lass since the summer and we are getting on very well. I had actually known her for a number of years but only this year did we take the time to get to know each other better and have gone on to develop a relationship from there. We get on like a house on fire, love each other loads, trust each other, have lots of fun and despite being 130 miles appart see each other most weekends.

However, I find it really difficult to get her to tell me what she wants. Comically it's almost like the scene in Coming to America, 'bark like a dog' She always seems concerned that if she tells me what she wants to do/where she wants to go/what video she wants to rent/when she wants to have sex that I'll just go along with it to please her. I've tried to explain that I wouldn't blindly do whatever she asks but that sometimes I would do something I didn't want to do because I know its something she wants. I've explained that I see truely loving relationships as being based on trust and compromise. By that I mean that I expect her to compromise sometimes for me but at the same time I trust that she'd never do something she really didn't want to do and vice versa.

Despite this it remains very difficult to get her to tell me what she wants in any given situation. She is afraid that I'll just do it or agree to it even if I didn't want to. The problem is that I actually would because I love her and she does so much for me but I honestly would say to her if it was something I really didn't want to do. Consequently, I find myself now trying to think for the two of us and trying to figure out what she really wants at any one time but won't tell me and I find this quite mentally tiring!

How can I encourage her to have the confidence to say, "I fancy the pasta for tea tonight" or "Do you want to go to bed and 'play'" or "I don't want to go see your mates tonight, can we just stay in" Suggestions welcome! Its driving me nuts You'd think being able to get whatever I want would be great but it really flys in the face of my personality as I derive pleasure and satisfaction from compromising and putting myself out for her every now and again.

boxst

Hello

Not that helpful: Some people are just like that. Although not usually for the reasons you mention. Some people just like the other person to make the decision, and then there is no comeback if things do not work out / isn't what was expected.

Does she dislike your choices? Does she complain about your choices?

If "no" to both of those, then you will perhaps ruin things if you push her in to making decisions.

Steve.

Dark Blue Mark

Not sure, but in the meantime enjoy it and tell her you want some of her mates to join in

MB (apologies I couldn't resist)

LG John

No, she seems to like things I suggest we do, etc.

However, I'm very often neutral to things. For example: We might be sitting watching a dvd and I'm quite happy watching it but she is getting horny and wants sex. I'm not horny but I more than happily become so if I knew she was but rather than say or do anything she'd sit there and say/do nothing. It just seems silly to me when few words whispered in my ear would lead to the dvd being paused

Tiggs

it will drive you nuts...nothing worse than someone that doesnt say what they want. dump her......she'll either be motivated into telling you she doesnt want it or she'll be to affraid to say what she wants...thus dumping herself so to speak!

T

LG John

Tried that, she's not THAT much of a pushover

Gav

My girlfriend sounds simillar to yours mate. When we first started seeing eachother i felt like i had to make all the desicions and it ticked me off after a while! I just sat her down and we talked about it. It's taking a while (been with her nearly a year now) but she is now telling me more what she wants to do and our relationship is a much stronger/ healthier one for it.

All i can suggest is talk to her, tell her what you'd like and take it one step at a time..

Gav..

STi wanna Subaru

iTrader: (1)

You need the advice of Markus on this one mate.

LG John

This is encouraging I have talked to her about it and perhaps I'm just looking for that magical quick fix when, as you suggest, it takes time for her confidence to build. I certainly have no problem in putting in the time as long as we do get some results at the end of it.

Jap2Scrap

Think yourself lucky. Try being in a relationship where both parties are like that mate. Nothing ever gets done

Ray

OllyK

Sounds like she is just naturally submissive, providing she is happy being that way, why do you feel the need to change her?

thundertiger

saxo, take the bull by the horns mate...

if you think she needs some action, dont be afraid to make the move.

some birds are just shy, because they dont want to appear like a sex maniac or slagbag.

once she knows that "anything" goes, i bet she could show you a few moves!!!

dont be afraid to "experiment" with implements too!!!

and take some pics....

i was doing my bird in a weird position only last night, and she said, in her french accent, "oooh!! we should take a picture...."

fecking hell, i couldn't get the batteries in the camera quick enough!!!!!

the quiet ones are the most enjoyable
so, enjoy!!!

BB

edited to say, yes i will post some pics....(not of me though!!!)

LG John

Well this is the other great debate I'm having with myself! If it is the case and she can't change then I'm not sure I can be with a submissive person. I really believe that submissive people build resentment overtime and its the sort of thing that comes spewing out when you are 40 and married with 3 kids.

I don't think I can be with a submissive person and I find it difficult to accept that such a small issue could potentially be so serious to the viability of our relationship. It just seems crazy to me How hard is it to just say what you want especially when I'd NEVER hold it against her (and she knows that!)

Gav

Nothing will happen overnight mate, Will take a while but it will be much better for it

Gav..

LG John

ROTFLMAO Post the picture

And with that I feel this thread may be turning a corner

thundertiger

saxo, on my life, i kid you not!!!!

ill get her to take some pics tonight (i'll leave it open) ie: just say i need a wallpaper or something, and see what she sends me.
i have no quarms about posteing them whatsoever!!!!

i'll mail her now. lol.

BB

Jay m A

iTrader: (2)

LOL

You say you've known her quite a while? Has she always been like that? If so then I doubt she'll change. Or some people just sit back and do nothing when content - if thats so then they become boring very quickly IMO.

What was her previous boyfriends like? Maybe she's used to the bloke taking the lead. Ideal for some blokes

LG John

Never known her 'that' well for that long. She's has always seemed a little quiet I suppose. I knew her for the two years she was with her last boyfriend and he seemed like a total *****! That said she said, "I'm just not used to getting what I want" last night which suggests maybe he did call the shots.

thundertiger

bullls take horns by...... rearrange!!!
oh, and post the outcome....

[disclaimer: BB will not be held responsible, for any black eyes, slaps, or reporting to authorities, arising from implementation or bull-horn-taking however deployed, by scoobynetters in any way]

PS: you WILL find it both challenging and rewarding, ... maybe!!!
good luck.

BB

Jen

Just to see things from the different persepective - I'm like this, and I know it can annoy my (lovely ) boyfriend at the moment.

Problem is, during previous relationships and throughout when I was growing up, it was easier to agree or not state your preference as it would cause (sometimes very nasty ) problems and situations. It could well of been the same for your other half...

Dan (my boyfriend) has been very patient about it, mainly becuase I've explained to him why I find it so hard (as it appears your g/f has done or tried to do) - when I do make a decision, for example, even as simple as what to eat for dinner, I then spend the whole of dinner worrying that it won't be good enough or he won't like it - and have to try very hard not to keep saying 'are you sure this is ok?'!

However, I am getting better and am even going to attempt to get him to help paint my house tonight! (He hates painting, but I know he won't mind, but the same sort of niggling thoughts still happen!) ...then all he has to do is put up with me saying 'thank you' for several hours afterwards

Just explain and give her a bit of time and confidence will be regained. Funny, it takes seconds to remove all your confidence and months (if not years) to build it up again.

Sure you'll both be fine - then she'll turn into a bossy woman and you'll be praying for the old days

Jen (in sensible mode)

MJW

It sounds to me like its just the distance thing causing this behaviour. If she were living with you then be under no illusions she would be telling you exactly when you can and cannot go out with your mates, when she wants a new kitchen, why she *doesn't* want the legover, etc. etc. Make the most of it !

Buzzer

Yes, this confirms that she is an un-married female. Get engaged, you'll find that she has a little more to say for herself.

Once married she will revert back to your quote above but there will be a lot more mallice attached as you try to "tip toe" on rice paper to please her

Honestly, get married she'll change overnight.

thundertiger

Jen, thats fair enough, but i can empathise with Saxo on this one.
my bird is forever saying "i dont know what to do", "what should i have for lunch?"
its like, hello? if i wasn't there whould she stay in and starve. ... me thinks not...

however, i, like many people on here have to make many decisions, for most of the day, the last thing you need in the evening, when you finally make it into a well-earned drinking establishment is...."what should i have??? white wine or beer????

ffs, you been on the tube for 20mins, knowing full well you are going to a pub, squash your way to the bar, push in front of some insignificantly small people waving £5 notes about, now we are finally getting served, and the dizzy cow doesn't know what to drink.....

annoys the hell out of me....

pah!!!
i'm annoyed now.

lol

BB

Jen

lol! Nah - I empathise as well, although I'm not that bad!! It's more decisions that will effect us both, for example, going away for a weekend, do you fancy staying in or going out etc. You immediatly feel like if you give the wrong answer you'll ruin the whole evening!! Irrational yes, but then I am a woman

Getting better with time though, and before you know it I'm sure I'll be as bad as you all describe

...oh, and I'll have a pint please

Jen

thundertiger

jen, a pint of what??
hmmmm. thats got ya?? stella, fosters, london pride, guiness, cider, kronenburg...the debate goes on.
jug, straight glass?
guiness eh? .. cold, extra cold. decisions, decisions.

lol.

yeah it takes all sorts and i guess i just dont have the patience sometimes, which is a problem of mine.

as long as people are happy,thats the main thing.
PS: it will be on the bar waiting for you!!!

BB

Spoon

You call it a small relationship problem but I'd call it incompatability.

Does she orgasm into a pillow?

Does she orgasm at all?

As nice as she might be, that type of personality bores the bum covers off me, not to mention the in-built rage it would produce.

Wallflowers belong on the wall!!

Jen

...YYY, that's just not funny! ...I've never been able to make that decision even before I started being neurotic

I'll just do what I usually do, start from the left and work my way towards the right

Jen

Who's to say she's boring though? I'm certainly not We make a good team. for example, off roading challenges, we both swap driving and co-driving and do pretty well at it, no time there to think about decisions and it's an area I'm confident in so no problems

Saxo's problem seems more based around basic decisions, I'm sure she's not boring and has her own interests or he wouldn't be bothering!

Spoon

Jen- I might think you are an extremely tedious person though, who knows?

Struggling with simple decisions = major flaw, waste of genes.

Saxo also wouldn't be posting on here about it if he hadn't thought about where the relationship was going either.

Remember, my view, now go out and play at muddy cars

thundertiger

jen , ignore him, come out and have a pint with me.... i got plenty of time for you to decide your tipple

Saxo...
here was my email:
> Baby,
> hope you are feeling much better.
>
> can you do me a favour and take some nice pics of yourself....
>
> they are for my personal use, whenever i might feel lonely.
>
> i only have one picture of you, and i've worn it out now...!!!!
>
> love you to bits
>
> Dazza

and here was the reply...

Hellooo,

Humm, maybe you can take some nice pics of me, I don't imagine me photographing myself !!!

We can do that next time if you want .... what do you think ?

Hope you are fine, love you..... Me

ps: what is "worn it out now" ? (!!)


LMFAO: i'll update accordingly!!!

BB