J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

Old but worth a post, particularly like the one about United Utilities !



'If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with,'

Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young proclaimed proudly once upon a time. Well

I can't be with my girlfriend at the moment, because I'm in Risley

Remand Centre awaiting trial for driving offences. And worse, the man in

the cell with me is six foot four, called Skull, has Satan tattooed on

his forehead and is

serving a 7 year stretch for attempted murder.

S Hymen, Risley Remand Centre



The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have

good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a

penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's not

good luck in my book.

Milos el Standish, Barcelona



I HAVE recently started to ********** whilst fantasising about Jeanette

Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am gay, straight

or a paedophile. What do your readers think?

D Barclay



COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris

patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric

Abu Hamsa.

Les Barnsley, Barnsley



'ONE pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania',

says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month

for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing *******s.

>Tracey Cusick, Cumbria



HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million

selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's

football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law

for the rich and another for the poor.

>Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do

they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.

Tim



I couldn't sleep the other night so my wife suggested that I try

counting sheep jumping over a 5-bar gate. I drove around all night

looking for a flock able to perform this feat, but I hadn't found one by

the time the sun came up. Needless to say I got even less sleep that

night than usual. What a farce.

A. Morris, Frampton



They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last

edition of High School **** that I bought featured a young lady stuffing

a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be

an excellent indication of the contents.

Mark Roberts



According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me stronger'.

I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive

strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable

for the past 12 years.

A Thorne, Sandbach



IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the

heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way

to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of

my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room

carpet this morning.

Christopher Hampshire, Bristol



I AM becoming sick and tired with the media's politically correct

obsession with gay sex. It's getting so that I can't turn on the Fantasy

Channel without seeing two naked homosexual women indulging in these

sordid practices. I'm thinking of cancelling my subscription.

T Cutt, Surrey



I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David

Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but

isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?

Dave Owen, Edinburgh



This Value Added Tax is a rip-off. I was expecting a great deal on a car

the other day, and I ended up having to pay an extra 17.5% for it. There

is no way that's added value. If anything, I'm about three grand out of

pocket.

Jon Cooke, Leicester



The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting

questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official

tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final

score place our national champ in the world league table?

Magnus, Sheffield



After suffering a head-on car crash in Northumbria recently, who should

I see rubber-necking slowly past the wreckage but haughty TV chef

Clarissa Dickson-Wright in her Volvo. Did she stop to offer assistance?

Did she bollocks. When she inevitably croaks from heart disease, I fully

intend to dance on her grave.

G Bryant, Sheffield



I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's

prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God,

has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be

given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens

can only dream of.

Mrs Close, Headingley



The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in

Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just

me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the

poor sods?

John Campbell, e-mail



I drank three litres of white cider, a bottle of red wine and then a

couple of cans on Friday night. Despite this, I had the ****test

Saturday of my life. Can any of your readers explain why, because I am

at a loss.

Patrick Bateman, e-mail



Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What

about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about

galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Mike Woods, e-mail



Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You have

not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I

find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I

withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.

Gary Beergut, e-mail



With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers

try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of

Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the **** quickly enough the last

time he played hide and seek with them.

Shuggie, Email



It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but

why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?

Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast



I have just spent three hours making custard using Delia's recipe and

it's a triumph, in that it tastes just like Bird's Instant.

A.W. Thompson, Email



I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with

Jenny. She is a great ****. Thanks again.

Baz, Bondi



Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with

the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I

hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid

sense of humour.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond



Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's

Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing

into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some

faster cars.





T Barnham, London

How come my gran survived the horrors of the Blitz, but has been so

badly traumatised by the clocks going back that she can't stop banging

on about it? The stupid whispy-chinned bitch.

Anon, E-mail

richiewong

Letterbox remains one of my all time favourites of the Viz.
Especially remember the one about 'Can't judge a book by it's cover letter'

Abdabz

Class!