r32

Nelson
How would Nelson have fared if he had been subject to modern health and safety regulations ?

"Order the signal to be sent, Hardy."

"Aye, aye sir."

"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"

"Sorry sir?"

"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"

"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

"That won't be possible, sir."

"What?"

"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

"What? This is mutiny."

"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

"Actually, sir, we're not."

"We're not?"

"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And now there's a ban on corporal punishment."

"What about sodomy?"

"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."

"In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."

PaulMc

Brilliant!

Vegescoob

Tut tut. You know nanny knows best.

darts_aint_sport

It makes me laugh when people complain about the 'nanny' state. It's our own fault. If we took care of ourselves properly and acted responsibly we wouldn't need nannying.

DBY

All to true i'm afraid, still thread should get locked now lol !!

Leslie

Very clever and funny R32.

Les

ALi-B

iTrader: (1)

The nanny state is everyone elses fault...not mine - I never asked for the H&S BS standards, red tape and benefits.

I never asked for it - so I have a right to complain

darts_aint_sport

True Okay then, SOME of it is our fault!

Abdabz

R32 That is class!!!
My country is becoming embarrasing - I dont remember seeing this kind of twaddle on New Labours pledge card. What else are they going to tell me I cant do in my own shop or factory? Perhaps the banning of farting? I hate our government.... grrrrrrr

Dracoro

Also, slavery is now banned, is that also a case of nanny-ing state? Bad things should be banned, good things not. Did you know, for instance, that murder, rape, burgarly, theft, dangerous driving, assault etc. are all banned too. It's not a Labour/Tory specific thing, more a case of developing nation. We get it right and we get it wrong and things change as necessary. Incidently, much H&S crap that people are moaning about came into force under Maggie of all people.

Don't mis-understand me, there's much H&S and stuff that's banned that I dis-agree with. But I believe that we as a developed nation have a duty to get the balance right and keep trying.

Apparently, Nelson had both eyes (he was blind in one of them) and never wore an eyepatch. Something like that I heard on QI last week.

ProperCharlie

The interesting thing about health & safety legislation is....








...that it works. Every time a principle piece of H&S legislation has been introduced, it has been followed by a reduction in the number of deaths and injuries in the workplace. I work in H&S and have to admit that I find much of it boring, tedious mundane claptrap - but I still know that it works. no-one wants to come home from work in a coffin, do they?

ChrisB

Class

astraboy

true, but to clamp down on everything to the nth degree is pretty pointless is it not?
Look at it this way.
Chuck Yeager,
Yuri Gagarin,
Neil Armstrong,
Andy Green (driver, Thrust SSC),
Amudsen (first to the pole),
Nobody can deny that they are responsible for some of the greatest acheivements ever. However, they acheived them by placing themselves in an environment of some considerable risk.
If they were forced to work in an evironment which is completely risk free or not at all, it would be fair to say they would not be in the history books for what they are today.
astraboy.

lightning101

ProperCharlie

afaik most of those people weren't *employed* to do what they did - they did it because they wanted to (I concede Niel Armstrong was probably employed by NASA, though). Some degree of risk will always remain - the aim of H&S legislation and procedures is to get rid of *unnecessary* risk. There is always going to be arguments as to how far we should go in our attempts to reduce risk. We can't just stay in bed all day, after all.

Vegescoob

On the other hand if there had been a really effective H&S policy way back, nobody would have dared leave their cave, all those dangerous animals. Then there would be none of us now. Better or not? Who knows.
Look, risk taking is an essential, integral part of the human species.
Balanced yes, but, start your own business, as a scientist challenge orthodoxy, as Martin Luther challenge the established church, all is risktaking, without it, our species will die. Perhaps that's what some want.

Oh and all these politicians controlling our risks still quite happy for men and women to take great risks in the forces (I know volunteers) to fight wars when the politicians screw up.

kob999

I think you are making the incorrect assumption that because they were involved in a dangerous activity that they did not attempt to operate as safely as possible. In fact I would imagine The NASA regime is fr stricter tahn anything UK health & Safety have come up with.


On a side issue I think you are being very generous to suggest Andy Green is responsible for one of the greatest achievements ever.

tonybooth

Superb - Just e-mailed it to a guy at a chemical factory who we do work for

TONY

Brendan Hughes

Can't wait to resurrect this thread next time I see a thread title "Damaged an alloy on a pothole - who do I sue?"