Saw your advert in the Daily mail today about how good your new trains are. Sorry, I dont agree. This new "Desiro" train (Nice play on "desirable", but its anything but) are a plague on my twice daily journey to work. Its not exactly fun and games at the best of times, but this train really does get on my nerves. Why? well since I'm in the mood for some sunday night vitriol, allow me to give you "The list"
1/ Windows. Care to explain why they are locked? All well and good having the aircon and heating, but when it fails, or its dripping water on the floor of the carriage, or when some bloke throws himself under your train at Twickenham and the power has to be switched off including the aircon, or when the guard forgets to turn it on (and yes, that happens) the heat, especially in the summer is unbearable. I've taken to carrying an allen key in my bag so I can open them when the aircon dies yet again and I fancy some fresh air. I werent in the scouts, but you can be heartened that you have instilled some of the "Be prepared" mentality in me. not that they do very much good when I do get them open, the 5 centimeteres they open inwards is not exactly the textbook definition of "ventilation" as I am aware of it.

2/ Hand grips. Who designed these? Stevie Wonder? Was he on acid at the time? Not only is it not a loop which you can actually grip (novel concept, I know), but its finished in a roughend fashion which makes it nigh on impossible to clean. Filthy dirty hand grips are not something I want to grip. Add to that the fact that they acrively stick out into the gangway. This means then when its standing room only (Virtually every day these days) you cannot lean on the seat side to take some of the weight off your feet cos it sticks in your back if you try. As well as that, where you walk down the carriage, the thoughtful designer has positioned them at exactly the right height so that it switches off your walkman when you walk past. Perhaps I have got it wrong and this is all intentional. Hand grip, personal space intrusion prevention device and social etiquette enforcer all in one. The guy who designed this one must have been in the zone that day.

3/ Seating arrangements. Aother device to ensure my journey is excrutiating as possible is the loathing of a window seat which I have cultivated. why? cos you need to be a contorsionist to sit in it. The blue bar which is positioned about mid way up your upper arm ensures you have to sit with it across your lap as opposed to by your side. its either that or you grin and bear it, but it does cut off the circulation after about 10 or so minutes so I usually give up. The airvents at your feet ensure that the leg nearest them is not resting on the ground, but pushed towards your other foot. I usually rest my shoe against the one lucky enough to be on the ground, but it is making a dint in the leather, I dont begrudge it though, cos cobblers have to make a living too. Maybe they and the designers were in cahoots and saw a nice little earner? It appears that you are way ahead of me on this one as well as the hand grips.

4/ Doors. It seems that these been massively underestimated until now. First they were manual, then they were automatic, but with an alarm that warned you when they were about to close. Now they warn you when they are about to close, but keep going AS THEY ARE CLOSING! Good idea. I for one underestimated the lethailty of these objects. Presumably I have been lucky and have missed the ones fitted with the poison gas, ninja death stars and the snake filled pits. Still you never can be too careful when dealing with doors like these, Look at Jim Morrison for further example of dangerous and unhinged "Doors" and you'll see what I mean.

5/ Klaxons. A new addition to this one. Presumably for blind people to find the doors when a train pulls into a station, but the design team for this must have been particularly sadistic as not only are the people they are trying to help blind, but you're trying to deafen them too! Not ones for much aquaintance to the term "Overkill", the 140DB klaxon you've installed when the doors open is not for the feinthearted, especially when you are still half asleep on a monday morning. Still, its here now and I suppose it does have its uses. Most notably waking everyone up who lives within 40 meters of the station when the first train arrives in the morning. Try reading "How to win friends and influence people" making particular reference to "Dont wake em up at 6.32am every morning when you dont need to."
To sum up, you have said on your advert that "We believe that our 1 billion invested will mean you arrive at your destination ready to start the day" Well sometimes thats true, but only when a slamdoor train hoves into view in the morning.