kend

Probably SIAL but made me laugh:

Pilots & Ground Mechanics
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to mechanics the problems encountered with an aircraft during
flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read the sheet, correct the problems, and then respond in
writing on the lower half of the form as to what remedial action was
taken. The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humour.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance
engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never
had an accident!

(P = The problem logged by the pilot; S = The solution and action taken
by the maintenance engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

TelBoy

No "probably" about it. Although it might be its 2004 SN debut.

ajm

This has been doing the rounds on email for years.... high SIAL probability but still amusing nonetheless!

kend

I only joined SN in 2004, so that's my defence sorted.

ProperCharlie

and you joined the internet in which year?

Tiggs

and when did you sign up for common sense?

urban myth internet pants

kend

Fair point, but still made me laugh

TelBoy

They're easily pleased in Birmingham.

Tiggs

give em a keyboard, screen and a load of crap made up by 10 year olds and they're havin' a ball!

messiah

heard this one years ago - still funny though

Does anyone have that lobster story they can post? not read that in ages!

TelBoy

What, the one about the woman who goes to the doctors?

Jay m A

iTrader: (2)

I've got an old joke thats due an SIAL, its about a man that goes into a doctors - will that do?

messiah

I was meaning the lobster story about the girl using a lobster as a ***** which crap all it's eggs into her...

Isn't it an urban myth anyway?

TelBoy

Yeah, that's the one i meant. Will try and dig it out (lol) if nobody beats me (lol) to it.

Dapster

This is it....

If you read one disgusting story this year . . . LET IT BE THIS ONE !
Susy DeLucci and the Miracle of Life. One morning around 5am 22 year old Susan DaLucci of Kittery Maine, woke up with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had diarrhea, but when she stood up out of bed, she realized that it was urinary pain. It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhea, just out the wrong hole.

She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard. In paralyzing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to push and squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled. She was screaming wildly, and the neighbors called the police.

When medics arrived they found Ms. DeNucci unconscious lying on the floor of her bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe. Running down her leg, was a stream of brown and green syrup. The medic had to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which was bent crossing her other leg, to straighten her out. She was lying there all twisted up. When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he exposed her vagina at which point a creature, no larger than the tip of a finger wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet popping sound. Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny mud shrimp and it sat there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back and forth. The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea setting in. When he put his face down into the toilet to puke what he saw was so horrific that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without convulsing.

The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and splashing at a furious pace. If you think that is bad - wait until you hear how it happened:

Ms. DeLucci official death was the result of a combination of shock and severe head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw what she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor. It is believed by medical police that on two nights before the accident she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market. While lying in a tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail into her vagina to derive pleasure. At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's face causing it to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion.

The medics found a lesbian XXX video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in front of the tub. The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag. Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobster tail joints. The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in lighters. The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to be full of mud shrimp egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they are common in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeLucci's **** when she was torturing it. Maine mud shrimp only take two days to gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four days away from getting her period, doctors believe that at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect PH balance to grow these mud shrimp which are a much larger version of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the US. Over night the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size every ten minutes. You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that morning and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet.


All absolute rubbish though

http://www.snopes.com/risque/juvenile/lobster.htm

messiah

bingo!

now find the one about the fat lass who used to w@nk with a fire extinguisher...