STi VII

People who have experienced severe emotional distress for what ever reason at some point in their development, often find it hard to form adult relationships. They try and compensate for this deficiency in other areas of their personality and so can be classed by some as over bearing and over the top or even withdrawn and reclusive.
Some other common traits of these people are the inability to handle finances effectively due to wanting to perpetuate the belief that they are successful nice people. This can lead to the generosity that they display being taken advantage of. They also can believe that surrounding themselves with possessions will make their lives better. This leads to an increase in their outward persona being larger than life.
This all or nothing mentality that they have to all relationships be it friends or sexual can lead to them being on their own a great deal of the time as they turn people away. When it appears that someone else likes them irrespective of these traits they subconsciously push them away by telling them something they deem as 'bad' about themselves. This is done as they do not deem themselves to be worthy and they feel a sense of guilt and shame for something from the past which they had no control over and are not to blame for at all. They think that if people knew the real them, that they would dislike them. They tend to still hold the belief and value system of 'best friend' from childhood.
If two people of similar experiences form a relationship it can be catastrophic if they are still not both fully developed. Another common trait of people like this is the desire to constantly move house or to move large distances as the subconscious part of the brain falsely implies that the more times or more distance they move then the more likely it is that they have recovered from the trauma experienced. The trouble with this approach is that they still have not dealt with one aspect of the past, themselves.
These people sometimes like to 'belong', to be seen as essential to the well being of others. They desire to feel liked by all they meet and try to impress those they respect in positions of authority. In fact they all to often seek out positions of authority as the need to be put on a pedestal and have the adulation of others and be deemed to be someone of importance is great. They want to show that they do care about right and wrong and they often do this in an ideologistic way. These people can be shown to seek the approval of others and never be satisfied with what they are given as the ultimate adulation of approval, respect and love was shown to them in an inappropriate way as a child and they are unable without the help of professionals to overcome the affects of this learnt bad way of seeking the approval of others.
They often think wrongly that they are undeserving of compliments and are sometimes over critical of their own achievements and will try to play down areas they have succeeded in. It does not mean that they cannot function just that they will never reach their full potential socially, professionally and emotionally.

What would you class this type of person as,
a victim or a survivor?

RichWalk

Deluded, shy, insecure, or maybe fairly normal, but overall a distinct lack of fun pervades your description, anyone can be a victim of life, but the measure of that person is how they survive!

"you only get one chance" "and you cant take it back if it doesnt fit"

ringpuke

Describes me exactly.......
I'm off to aim the scoob at the nearest tree.
Wait, could anyone give there approval 1st please, pleeeeeease.

Spoon

Quite clearly a vicvivor.

Nicci

i would say victim.

As they are experiencing distress forever.

I bet everyone experiences some of those issues listed though.

TelBoy

Well, it's either you or the wife who doesn't want you still! You love all this heavy stuff don't you?!

SiPie

Ex girlfriend

STi VII

No on the surface it doesn't look like someone like this has much fun in their life. I think everyone has experienced some of the things I have mentioned to a certain extent, others would of experianced all of the issues. Some people go through their lives without addressing things that affect them from the past and just burry their heads in the sand, which is a shame.
Vicvivor sounds good and it could be applied to everyone as we are all victims and survivors to a certain extent.
You could say they was a victim if they did not seek out the help which they need, I think the trouble is that there is still an unspoken negative attitude directed to people that seek out help for underlying emotional psychological problems they carry from their pasts.
The way people handle adversity is a mark of their ability to cope and just because people are unable to handle adversity as effectively it does not mean they are of any less worth than someone that is able to accommodate and assimilate into their schemas their past experiences. People develop at different rates, it is because of this difference in developmental rates due to their socialisation that governs their ability to overcome adversity. If the tools to over come adversity are not present then you will not go past an adverse experience.
I do like to get into all this 'heavy stuff' as you put it. I am a bit of a thinker and after all a Student in Education and a lot of these issues are touched on in the subjects I am studying. I have no wish to be reunited with my Ex wife. we have had a lucky escape, clarity comes to us all over time...

LG John

PMSL @ sipie

LG John

You know STI a lot of that makes a lot of sense It is human nature to sort of frown on people that need to seek any form of help when we'd probably benefit from such help ourselves.

A shrink could probably write a book on me

Charlie WRXSTI

Suddenly it all becomes clear

Don't you think though that if you analysis things too much it tends to make them worse, I am not saying you should just bury your head in the sand and pretend everything is fine, but over analysing can often have the opposite effect.

We all have our own share of troubles and how we deal with them is an individual thing. I used to go out with a bloke that was " a great thinker" it often led to many rows as he would blow a silly little situation completely out of proportion.

I admit I have my faults but in general am quite happy with my lot at the moment, there are things that i could change but why bother

Markus

I'd agree with the mix of survivor and victim. Reading the post did, in places, make me think about myself, which could explain a lot about me really lol, however, I'm a happy chappy and well, I'm having fun, so damn the rest of it

Agree with Kenny's comments about others frowining if you seek help, if you go to a shrink then people tend to think you're odd. I don't use shrinks, I just talk to my friends, who ususally tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear, and that is the important thing.

RichWalk

STi- some good points however I do not side with about people with dark/ unhealthy pasts being the of the same merit to all/ being able over time to come to terms with their issues. I through much experience in this type of thing believe many & I stress many (not all) of said individuals actually get worse by trying to adjust and make themselves appear 'normal' within their lives and especially in relashionships. I am fortunate to have no real emotional baggage other than the odd introspective moments where I would rather be somewhere else, and I have due to this inate strength attracted the type of people you describe (I am talking 30+ year olds here, not kids) at first they are fine and appear well ajusted, then they slowly start to regress (due largely to the comfort zone they are in) to type and start pushing harder as the true personna becomes evident, if like me you adopt a 'wholific' approach to whats really important in life, you compound their problems by throwing rational replies at them...... the result an explosion of angst/ whatever and they flee...

So the message is be very carefull what you think you can take on board & dont trust in your own abilities/ strengths to remedy the other person. In short if you do you risk becoming a victim yourself and may develop emotional issues of your own!

Bloody hell - not suppossed to be thinking this deeply just before a board meeting!

STi VII

Rich if I get this right you are of the opinion that these people should keep this aspect of them a secret from others, as it will only present new issues? If you take this approach surely though the reasons for their present state would never be addressed in society and the victims will continue to be created. Maybe if you are a health professional this would be a good thing as it means another paycheque
I think the point I make about equality of status of character is that we are all victims of our environment and of our socialisation to a certain extent. If the socialisation that we have experienced is not contributory to improving us but has presented problems that we do not have the tools to fix then it is an environmental factor that has caused our lack of equality to others and not a measurable external representation of who we are (character). I think I am saying that we are shaped more by experience and it is only over time that we gain the necessary tools to over come adversities that have been presented. If our socialisation deems that you only experience stimuli that forms our emotional state at roughly pre set ages and something comes along and instigates a pre emptive strike before the mass socialisation has taken effect then these people can not be to blame for not managing to cope with what ever has happened in their formulitive years and so their characters 'worth' is just the same as anyone else's.
From the point of view of Society developing surely we need to address the issues of the individual or would you say that addressing the issues of society is more important and would ultimately lead onto this type of person not being created anymore?
CharlieWRXSTI you seem very familiar.
I myself am guilty of over analysing at times. Sometimes we are best served to just go with the flow and see where it takes us.
Markus I think you hit the nail on the head about if you are happy yourself then don't worry. It is when people are unhappy that they should find the help that is available for addressing issues that are having a negative impact on their lives. These people should actively seek help even if it means trying several different 'shrinks' until they find someone that they trust and feel safe with. Having a support network is just as important as well.

Charlie WRXSTI

Has been mentioned before

Go with the flow is always the best option, read too much into things and you are asking for trouble. IMO of course

richiewong

From the ICD 10