hail-hail

I work in IT like most people these days! I quite like pottering about with cars, but truth be told, I don't really have a clue what I am doing.
Does anyone know of a an online college course for Car Mechanics, basically to do in my spare time at my own pace?

midget1500

buy a cheap old car and a workshop manual for it. strip it down and rebuild it, bit by bit. i.e. engine etc. the best way to learn i reckon (since you want to go at your own pace)

IN THE STICKS

Good advice from Mr midget , hands on is a very good way of learning

hail-hail

Wouldn't mind giving it a go, but would like to learn the basics first. I don't currently have the room to strip down a car and rebuild, but I do have a Go-ped which may get the brunt of my socket set
Oh..and by workshop manual do you mean something like Haynes or something more detailed, and where to get them?

IN THE STICKS

Bit tricky if you haven't got the space , but yes a Haynes workshop manual is easy to use , you can get them from boot fairs and the like for peanuts ,or Halfords for a new one .Try an persuade a mate to take his pride and joy to bits ,.....in the summer though

midget1500

there is a very good guide on the internet that translates haynes instructions into english, i.e. "undo nut with spanner" = "use spanner, get bigger spanner, try socket set, swear loads, hit it with a hammer, heat it with a blow torch..." etc. after using my haynes guide this is so true!

rr_ww

Makes me laugh that everyone assumes they can work on cars.

"I've had a car for years, I know its got pistons and brakes and springs. So I MUST know how to rebuild it"



So many people buy a cheapie fiesta / escort / astra. Take it to bits, then can never get it to run again. So they admit defeat and scrap it.

You could try a night school course,but they tend to only cover the basics for maintenance. Spend no more than £50 on the car and another £5 for a second hand Haynes. Should have a good tool kit before you start mind. Can be a laugh if you get some mates round to "help"

douglasb

Like this.....

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage, whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

For Added Haynes Fun: Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement???!!? Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in "mine will never look like that..."

wideboyuk

lol @ douglasb - true true