messiah

James Bond walks into a bar and sees a stunning blonde sat by herself at the bar. 007 swaggers up and sits next to her, introduces himself and says "What are you doing here alone?"
"How do you know I'm alone?" she asks?
Bond replies "It's this new watch from Q - it's telepathic, it can tell me what you've been thinking about"
"Really" says the blonde, "what else does it say?"
"Well, that you're 29, single, work in the city and you have a cat called spot"
"Thats very impressive" says the girl "Anything else"
Bond looks at the watch again "It says you've got no knickers on"
"Ha!" says the girl "it's wrong - I AM wearing knickers"
"Bo11ocks!" says 007, looking at the watch again "the bloody thing is 2 hours fast!"

[Edited by messiah - 11/7/2003 11:47:43 AM]

newbie_scoobie

[TK mode on]Regardless of who told the joke, I don't think the term you've used to describe the individual concerned is entirely PC. Maybe a re-think?[/tk mode off]

Col

[Edited to interject some humour]

[Edited by newbie_scoobie - 11/7/2003 12:48:35 PM]

Brit_in_Japan

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story
hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only."

Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explain to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up in the lift floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside. But be warned, once you get to the fifth floor, you cannot return to any of the lower floors, you must stay or leave"

So they get in the lift and push the button for floor 1. When the doors open they see a sign that reads:
"All the men on this floor are short and plain."

The friends laugh, and without hesitation push the button for the next floor. The lift opens on floor 2 and the sign reads:
"All the men here are short and handsome."

Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor, the doors open again and there's a sign that reads:
"All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they keep going. They reach the fourth floor and when the doors open they are greeted with the sign:
"All the men here are tall and handsome."

The women get excited and are about to step out of the lift when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they push the button for the fifth floor. They are at fever pitch and wait in some anticipation for the doors to open. But when they do they find a sign that reads:
"There are no men here."

Confused they get back in the lift which takes them to the ground floor. They go back to the bouncer and ask why there were no men on the fifth floor.

"That easy", he says, "they only built that floor to prove that there is no way to please a woman."


[Edited by Brit_in_Japan - 11/7/2003 1:50:28 PM]

messiah

Osama Bin Laden has been arrested for ******** sheep. When questioned by police he said they were Islams...

Mick Hucknalls been arrested for ******** rabbits. Police say he was "holding back the ears". Hucknall said "the bunnies too tight to mention"

oldies but goldies...

[Edited by messiah - 11/7/2003 2:16:12 PM]

messiah

A white bloke is standing in the delivery room, waiting for the midwife to bring him his newborn baby.
The midwife strolls in with a black baby "Is this yours?"
"Probably" he replies "she ******* burns everything..."

[Edited by messiah - 11/7/2003 3:15:54 PM]

messiah

Irish man in a pub lifts his beer and shouts "Here's to spending the rest of my life betweeen the legs of my wife". Everyone in the pub declares it the best toast of the night and he gets free beer.

When he gets home he says to his wife "Tonight I won free beer for the whole night for giving the best toast. I said 'Here's to spending the rest of my life in church wife my wife'"

The next day, the man's wife sees one of his husbands drinking buddies.
"That was a good toast your husband gave there last night"
"I'm surprised he said that" she said, "He's only ever been down there twice, once he fell asleep and the other I had pull him by the ear to make him come..."

[Edited by messiah - 11/7/2003 3:44:15 PM]

Shark

Opps

[Edited by Shark - 11/7/2003 4:47:18 PM]

POC

LMFAO!!!

________________________________________

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't **** out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.

Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his *** out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

Hanley

ProperCharlie

Blonde Joke:

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

SirFozzalot

mj

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent.

Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well.
At the end of Jill’s shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.

Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner.

Jill thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be she can then shake some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he’s from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne.
“So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?”
“Glen Iris” he replies
“That’s amazing...” she says, “...so am I - what Street?”
“Cameo Street” he replies
“This is unbelievable...” she says, “... what number?”
He says “Number 20” and she is totally astonished.
“You are not going to believe this but I’m from Number 22 and my parents still live there!”





“I know...” he says, “...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you”
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN - THINKS AUSTRALIAN!

Andy Porter

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches,
with
>a cast from his feet to his hips.
>
>Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come
out
>here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'
>
>'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we
>had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright
but
>I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was
eventually
>cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't
>save my legs.'
>
>'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?' asks
>Matthew.
>
>'No Matthew. while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my
uncle
>had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances
in
>medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. The operation
was
>successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to
be
>walking fully again by the end of the year.
>
>A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
>
>'That's an unbelievable story. So, who are you going to be?'
>
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>scroll down...
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>keep going ...
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>'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'

Gridlock Mikey

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Coffee meets Monitor moment HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Mikey

Gridlock Mikey

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "How duya drive this then?"

Mikey

POC

PMSL @ this whole thread. Keep em coming!

lpski1

What do you call a fanny on top of a fanny on top of a fanny on top of a fanny ?



























A Block of Flaps

messiah

Five men in a rape line-up. The victim walks in and Paddy shouts "thats her!"

IPALMER

iTrader: (5)

A 92-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I
have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I
have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead.
What do you think of that?"

The 92-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

messiah

A woman is standing naked, looking at herself in the bedroom mirror.
"God I'm fat and ugly" she sighs, turns to her husband and says "pay me a compliment"
"Well" he replies "Your eysights ******* spot on!"

messiah

Q. What's orange and sleeps 5?
A. A council road repair van.

lpski1

whats red and yellow and looks good on a hippie ?

Fire

ProperCharlie

'nother blonde joke:

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday

Charlie WRXSTI

ROFLMAO

This has really cheered up a very boring day.

messiah

My uncles been struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients. It's a shame cos he was a good vet.

ProperCharlie

Cars in heaven joke:

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."

messiah

** POSSIBLE BAD TASTE **

Spastic goes to an Ice cream van "Can I have an Ice Cream please"
"Certainly" replies the vendor "What flavour"
"Doesn't matter - I'm just gonna drop it..."

POC

messiah - LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Quality!

messiah

before any complaints are posted - it was a spastic that told me it!