weapon69

Heres the situation-

I recently contacted my Father who I have never lived with, spent any longer than 3 days with, never speak to on the phone and currently haven't seen for 2 and a half years. After tracking him down ( I didn't have any contact details for him) I finally spoke to him on the phone.

To cut a long story short, he asked me not to contact him again and especially not at work- as he didn't want them to know i exist.

This has happened on numerous occasions starting from when i was quite young.

Do I continue to try and keep contacting him and hope he will change or get on with my life as though he were dead?

Opinions from serious scoobynetters please

(You lot are unbiased unlike the bf)

NotoriousREV

I know it will be hard, but cut the worthless ******* out of your life forever. Remember, it will be his loss not yours.

wannabeScooby

This happened to a friend of mine. Father didnt want to him. The only advice I can give is write him a letter and tell him what you think. If you don't think he will read it, then call him and just make sure he knows that this is the last time you are going to try. Leave your contact details and then, its up to him. You can't make someone talk to you, and I know its your dad, but still, if he doesnt want to know you, then you shouldnt be ruining your life over it. Just make sure you say bye, and let him know how to contact you if he wants to.

Good Luck
Mustafa

beemerboy

Write to him, expressing the thoughts you feel.

Dont laugh, but i saw this type of topic on Kilroy....

People can read letters in their own time, and hopefully your words can trigger a good reaction.
Dont rush anything.
I'm sure he will come around to giving you some time in due course.
Peoples lives do move on, but "Blood is thicker than water", and i hope he realises that his presence or kind words can make a difference.

Good luck

BB

weapon69

Since I phoned him, hes kept his mobile phone switched off and has ignored all text messages. I thought the hurt would get easier as i got older

Still breaking my heart over it though

Badger Stuffer

****.....He sounds very harsh.

I know that this must be very hard for you but if this is his attitude then just leave it alone and forget about him. He obviously has some major hang ups and doesn't deserve anyone like you that cares for him.

At the end of the day it will be his loss and he will die a very bitter and lonely old man.

Concentrate your energy on those that do love and care for you and make them the ones you want to be with.,

I hope this helps. Nobody but you can make the decision and you will need allot of support from your friends and family whatever your decision.

Good luck.

Jason.

sexy wrx69

if i were you...id write a letter to him and explain your feelings and how his actions have made you feel.

at the bottom of the letter i would put that you understand that he doesnt want anything to do with you and how hurt that makes you feel. but that this is your last attempt to reconcile or have a relationship with him, and if he does not respond, then you will leave him alone and pretend that you do not have a father.

that way its all on him. you have done all you can, and if he doesnt want a relationship with you, then on his shoulders it rests.

its tough, but you cant spend your life trying to change a person. People generally dont change and you'll be the only one who gets hurt.

sexy wrx69

DOH!

double post....dont you hate it when that happens???

[Edited by sexy wrx69 - 7/14/2003 11:31:13 AM]

TelBoy

weapon69 - what caused this situation, if you don't mind me asking?
Were you an unplanned baby?

weapon69

Telboy- Yes i was a mistake as i have been told many times over by both Mother and Father.

Nice people.

unclebuck

There's two sides to every story. Wonder what his side is.

UB

weapon69

UB he blames my mum for absolutely everything!! They were married for a very short time but i used to see them beat the **** out of each other with other people trying to pull them apart (my grandparents). It didn't help that i lived with my mum and her boyfriend(s).

Also doesn't help that im the friggin image of him. genetics-grrrr.

red_dog104

Write a letter with how you feel and say at the end of it that if he hasn't contacted you by a certain date then you will leave him alone and not try again. Then you will have to try and get on with life and forget about him (easier said than done)if he doesn't contact you. I know it sounds negative but if he's done this kind of thing all his life then he will probably keep doing it.

Good luck and let us know how it goes. You can mail me off line if you want. Not been through it but a good listener if you need to get anything off your chest!

Lisa xx

red_dog104

Double Post

[Edited by red_dog104 - 14/07/2003 13:09:16]

Brendan Hughes

1. If you write a letter, make sure the first 2-3 lines are what grabs his attention. Don't put important stuff at the bottom, he might not read that far.

2. Counselling? I know Relate are supposed to help married couples, not sure who helps estranged parents/children.

3. Odd that he doesn't want work to know you exist. Stigma? He's not a vicar, is he?

Good luck
Brendan

unclebuck

Unfortunate that

Sounds like a part of his past he doesn't want resurrected. Not sure how to approach it other than by not pressuring him. That is likely to have the opposite effect to what you want.

UB

weapon69

Need to speak to people in a similar situation really....

Paulo P

iTrader: (42)

Weapon

I know what it's like too I last saw my dad about 24 years ago when I was only 4 and my Sister was 2 and he hasn't made any contact with me or my sister since It used to really hurt me that he doesn't care if we are even still alive. I used to get really upset and still think about it but now I know that someone like that just isn't worth knowing or worrying about, I have a step dad and he can be an **** too because my Sister and myself aren't his and both he and my Mum keep throwing horrible comments in my face about him I am not sure what the best advice is but now I find myself getting on with my Fiancees parents better than my own. Chin up and I hope you get on with your Mum and she isn't as nasty as mine can be

Paul

weapon69

Sorry to hear that Paul

LOL at the Mum comment-mine kicked me out the house when I was 15. I win! ( just kiddin)

Some people don't know how lucky they are with their families

Peanuts

iTrader: (15)

On a lighter and more positive side...
I made contact with my father after 15 years, relationship broke down after parents split up.
Told him about my life, and he came to my wedding just three weeks ago and I was able to see my new brother and two sisters. yay.
Meetings are planned and visits are penned in.
But, although I hadnt seen him in so long, he never said the hurtfull things your father has said to you, he was always positive and even sent a card at christmas, so
I guess the advice would be to write a letter whereby you dont give a time limit, dont threaten anything at all, keep it to one paragraph if possible.
just say that this will be the last correspondance from you because you cannot take the heartache anylonger, you are disappointed that he does not want to know you but you are sure there are reasons. If he ever wants to then he knows where to get in touch, but it will be his doing alone because you will no longer make any effort to keep this relationship alive.
dont use terms like dad, love, or anything endearing, try to keep it quite clinical because its the way he will know you are serious.

sorry, this is my opinion alone and I am not a counsellor, but you are more than welcome to mail me offline.
The other important thing mentioned by the other posters is that you are wasting good loving on this man when you could be doubling up your rations on those who love you.

Peanuts...

Peanuts

iTrader: (15)

also, sorry to point out the obvious, but saying he doesnt want work to know you exist is bollox IMHO.
What job cares whether a man has a child...

weapon69

It doesn't matter at all if work know or not!

He doesn't send b'day/xmas cards and knows nothing about me basically. Im inclined to agree with the comment that i remind him of my mum. Pathetic really as they divorced 20 years ago!!

Peanuts

iTrader: (15)

maybe seek professional help, because while we all want to help you, without the correct training all we are doing is offering opinion that might have more deep seated issues than we know of (by we I mean ScoobyNetters of course).

[Edited by Peanuts - 14/07/2003 13:37:30]

Apparition

Weapon,
I really feel for you.
It must be a really bad situation to be in, I can't comprehend what that must be like.
The letter idea seems about the best approach. I have a friend who lived with her mother for about 20 years after her parents divorce. It wasn't until she asked her father for his side of the story that the actual truth came out and now her mother won't have anything to do with her at all. She has written and sent birthday cards etc. but had them flung back at her thru the post.
Bottom line is: you can only tell this "father" of yours what exactly you think and feel and what you want from him ie. Some sort of explanantion ? Then its up to him.
Frankly, you'd be best moving on with your life, hopefully eventually marrying and finding your own family via in-laws (yes they can be nice ) and children of your own.
Don't waste your life chasing someone who frankly doesn't sound worth your love, time and attention.
You deserve better, much better ! The very best of luck mate X (Don't worry I'm female !)

Nick_TypeUK

Weapon

you the same Weapon69 form mir?

Mice_Elf

To be brutally honest, he doesn't want to know you. If he did he could have contacted you before now.

I've been in your situation second-hand, so I guess it's not the same, but I saw someone strive to make their parent talk to them, acknowledge them, appreciate them and all to the detriment of themselves.

Cut him out. Why should you make all the effort? His loss.

CarpetCleaner

ok I aint the most sensitive bloke but as far as I am concerned fatherhood is more about being there and acting like a father

Sounds like he doesn't want to know so why bother? yes he may have provided the sperm for the egg but it sounds like this is all he's contributed

I'd go tell him to **** himself personally. Men like him are a total waste of space

harsh but true

dazc2

I am in a similar situation albeit I have not seen my mother since I was about 3 months old! She lives in Kent and I was brought up in Lancashire by my Dad and Grandparents. I am now 24.

She has never tried to contact me or my Dad since running off to Kent and to be honest, I have no interest for a woman who has no itnerest in me or my Dad. She is not my family and I certainly will not acknowledge her as family if she ever contacts me and I have no interest in contacting her either.

My employer has also not seen his Dad for years. Since his Dad heard he was doing quite well for himself he decided to try and contact my employer.....he would not even acknowledge his Dad existed....old him in no uncertain terms to "F**k off!"

I also think that your father is not a man. He is a cold heartless *******. What is such a big deal about talking to his offspring? It doesn't hurt to talk for 5 minutes does it!

south-star

I'd keep trying till the day you die.Parents are not like cars,you cant exchange them if the'yre faulty.You're stuck with them mate.On that basis i'd never give up.