RRH

Just left school after failing to attend most of his GCSEs.

Got a job training to be a baker but kept falling asleep at work.

Developed a VERY bad attitude, major agression, and altogether horrible. Disappears on Fridays, don't usually see him 'til midnight sunday, or he'll turn up on the doorstep at 8 in the morning and crash out.

We obviously suspected that there was something else going on that had turned our lovely little lad into an abusive thug.

We've known for a while that he's been smoking dope~ which didn't cause me a major problem as I'm not too naive and am fairly open-minded.

However, we discovered last night that they've been buying e's off gangs of lads who come in to our village by train with the sole intention of dealing. He's also been taking ketamine, which would explain a lot of his behaviour. Unfortunately he has always been a 'follower', he'll copy his peers regardless of wether its right or wrong.

My plan is to try and talk to him- rather than 'at' him, and see if he'll admit that its a problem and see if we can find a way forward.

What I'd really like to do is find some sort of outward-bound course which may open his eyes a bit. Learn some respect, work hard, basically not even have time to think about the drugs, let alone take them.

Please only reply if you feel you can offer advice. This situation is breaking my heart, if I don't get it under control the consequences could be fatal.

thanks,
simon

Paulo P

iTrader: (42)

**** No advice to offer i'm afraid apart try to be his friend (not overly so) but gain his trust and try and find something in common. This must be your worst nightmare

Sorry I'm not much help
Paul

STi wanna Subaru

iTrader: (1)

I'm 26 just to give you some perspective on my views...

I think you've got it right in trying to talk TO him and not At him. If he feels he can talk to you about it then he is more likely to allow you to help him.......if he wants your help.

I have a friend who fell in with the wrong crowd. Great lad who having spilt up with a long term girlfriend started trying drugs. We pointed out to him that they were using him but he didn't want to hear.. It got to the stage where he was using heroin. All we could do was try and be his mate and give him an ear to talk to if he wanted to. He has now faced upto his problem and has sought help. He's been off heroin now for 3 months and is taking methadone. He was a good football player and last night he came down to training with us.....it's the first time he's done that in over 2 years. He's open about his problem and does talk about it. I think that helps.

Good luck....

SiPie

Simon

Sorry to hear that

You seem to have it pretty much sussed with your 'talking with him approach' rather than 'at him'..

I'm not sure if scare tactics would work although it may be worth pointing out all the potential/possible mental problems from the drugs issues.

There was a great programme on Channel 5 recently that maybe one of the peeps on here may have videod... it gave specific advice to parents etc in your situation and seemed a lot more informative than the normal guff May be worth getting in touch with channel 5 and seeing if they can give you specific info or a copy etc...

This is little help I know but the small consolation is that in so many teenage cases they just suddenly grow out of it....

Good luck
Si

whiteyisback

thats a really sad thread mate, i'm sure any scoobynetters on here with kids will feel the same. My kids are still really young but i've often worried about the inevitable teenage years that seem just round the corner.
If i was in your shoes, and i know this will sound drastic but i'd move house and relocate. In one hit you've changed all the things around him that may (and probably will) have contributed to his drug taking, as in: His friends, his school, taken him away from his dealer/s, his customer base if he's dealing. In a nutshell start over again. Put it this way you're never gonna be able to ground a teenager, they'll always find away out of the house and if he was anything like i was as a teenager wont take advice off an adult. Talk to your GP and/or your local council for advise on what else to do, i'm sure your not the 1st parent to find themselves in this situation. Like u say, best to nip this in the bud b4 it escalates into harder, even more socially withdrawing drugs.
Good luck mate. By virture of the fact you've posted this up it shows you want to do somwthing about it so i'm sure u'll get it sorted.

Katana

Tell him e's makes his dick shrink and that no girl would ever want to sleep with him if he only had a 6" *****. At that age, he'll be very very subconcious about his sexuality.

barrybudden

Do you know if there are any sort of support services services/groups in your area? They might be worth a try as I'm sure other perants are in the same boat. The local church or sitesins advice (I cant spell) should have a contact for them.

Best of luck, drugs in an increasing problem in our society, when I was at school the worst people got up to was smokeing.

Scooby96

An anonymous tip off to crimestoppers about the dealers wouldnt hurt either, remove the supply albeit temporarily but that might help!?

Freak

lol


On a serious note, as with most teenagers, if you tell them to do something they will do the opposite. Having a similar problem with my brother (17) at the mo whos turned a little bad and he wont listen to my parents concerns, and replies with abuse and carries on regardless.
He listened to me tho- because i spoke to him rather than down to him. I also threatened to cut off his ***** if he didnt sit the f*ck down and talk to me in the first place...but thats beside the point...

The moving away thing is good- but very drastic.
The most important thing is to make him admit/recognise there is something wrong....and that what he is doing is wrong.And then work from there.
Any sight of a "you will do this etc" and he will more than likely become all defensive and not budge

Tough situation tho- and not one any parent would like to be faced with.
Good luck

p.s
ketamine is NASTY stuff-get him off that pretty sharpish

[Edited by Freak - 10/07/2003 13:09:18]

SiPie

The suggestions to move house and to tip the drug squad off to remove his supply will NOT work anymore

The simple fact being that this culture is SO widespread (town/city/rural or wherever) that this will find him everywhere and now he has an interest he will fit into the same group at this new school or whatever that are doing the same.

You need to get advice yourself then speak with him as suggested earlier in the thread by others

Cheers and best of luck Simon

MJW

If you're already clued-up about drug culture, then you should be at an advantage. Tell him you don't particularly mind him smoking cannabis, but point out the dangers of ketamine. 'Special K' is an anaesthetic used by vets and can be very nasty. Anyone who has been in a 'k-hole' will know. If you use the 'give and take' approach you may find it easier to talk to him, as he won't assume you're taking the 'all drugs are bad' approach and shut you out.
Try not to be confrontational as this may promote resentment, but try to be as matter-of-fact as you can.

Good luck

pbee

you have a tricky situation.

on one hand he is a 15 year old lad, and experimenting with drugs is now par for the course and it "normally stops" when they get interested in other things, cars, girls ect. (it did for me).

Or it could get worse and move onto harder things / crime, a reality check is what is needed showing him his whole life is still ahead of him and the choices he makes now will affect said life. When I think back I regret some of the stuff I did to my body and parents and realise how stupid it was for a few years enjoyment what damage it could of done too the rest of my life.

A very tricky situation to be in my son is only 7 months old now and im not looking forward to dealing with this in a few years time.

Could the Army be an option ??. or will that make it worse. Do you know anybody in the building trade that could subject him to some hard graft to make him realise how hard life is / can be.

LG John

Try and bond with him I say: do something at the weekend that you'll both enjoy - fishing, karting, cycling, scooby'ing, whatever This will allow you to get closer and maybe inside his head a little and it was also get him away from his so-called 'friends' for a while.

NACRO

You will never straighten him out, what you can do is tell him you know the score. Also tell him that dealing is a mug's game and that while you don't condone it, you can understand why he feels the need to experiment.

Also make sure he is aware of the penalties/consequences of dealing, it is an entirely different ball game to using drugs in terms of penalties. He could seriously ruin his future chances in life if caught dealing as I'm sure you know. Above all don't preach to him and don't try to ban him from his usual activities. If he knows you care and are onto him he might decide to chill out a bit.

A softly, softly approach may pay dividends, going to the Police will only embitter him and ruin his life.

RRH

I don't think he's dealing. Although various things have gone 'missing' from the house its nothing of massive value.

I am going to try and talk with him tonight.

The wife has just spoken to the local drugs councilling service and they're initially going to send an outreach worked to speak to us.

Any thoughts re the outward bounds idea?

thanks for all your advice ~ it really is appreciated enormously.

Poor Guy

i is 17. restrict money. thats the way my old man controls me. and it works! then he cant buy his brain friers.

hmmmmmmmm
ill think about this one.

super_si

I cant believe you let him walk all over you

it was in for 9:30 when i was 15, id be more strict tbh.

Si

image doctor

The only thing that shocks me is he is out all weekend!

I always had to tell my parents where I was, always.

While I lived at home, I had to live by there rules.

He needs an interest, carting, motocross etc.

I feel for you.

super_si

i still get it now leave a note when you go out lol.

total lack of discipline imho

Si

NACRO

If you can get him doing something he enjoys doing, when I was a lad that would have meant track days, a motorbike or anything that didn't seem too conformist or something my Dad would have been doing, it will get him out of the environment in which drugs prevail.
You may have to spend a bit of cash doing it but it will be worth it in the long run if you succeed in widening his horizons- is he too old for a foreign exchange scheme?

I'm glad to hear he's not selling to his mates- the police take a dim view of any dealing.

If you come down hard on him/threaten him with an outward bound course(unless of course he likes that sort of thing) you will just alienate him and drive him to do more drugs.

My advice is this, try to find out exactly what drugs he takes and how often. Then the harm reduction can begin. You may have to employ cunning when asking these questions. Try to let him know you're not out to punish him, just understand him. I'm sure the professional will tell you all this anyway. Good luck.

RRH

Difficult to control the staying out.

He just buugers off, often doesn't ring, and disappears.

We've tried on several occassions to find out where he goes but are still none the wiser.

We took his house keys off him a while ago to control the stealing while we were out.

as far as being walked over is concerned, we also have two very young daughters to think about. they get incredibly upset when he gets aggressive.

i'm not prepared to have them grow up in that type of environment.

RRH

Tried to get him to a track day a while ago and he didn't want to know. Tried to take him karting but he didn't come home so we missed it.

He won't do anything with me or his mother, all he wants to know about is his mates. We still keep trying though.

Mice_Elf

Where does he get the money from to purchase these drugs?

If it's from you, cease.

He'll more than likely turn to crime, be arrested - night in jail - short sharp shock treatment.

Richard Askew

Simon
Sorry to hear that the boy is going off the rails abit, I cant really comprehend why youngsters do that even though Im only 25 myself. You have a duty as a husband and father to safeguard your family especially as you have mentioned you have younger children too. If he's so "big and clever" that he finds hanging out with pill head scum all weekend fun or exciting, then let him get on with it. Give him an ultimatum - he does the family thing for a couple of weekends or he's out (not that you mean it permanently) If he decides he wants to leave then let him - he's only young so he'll be scared and fed up of pot noodles after a week - he'll return home sobbing and apologetic for his mums home-cooking. I dont mean to preach or patronise but somewhere along the line its gone pete tong with the discipline, and although its frowned upon nowadays, when I was younger ie 10 yrs of age I KNEW never to cross my father or I'd be bounced across 2 counties. When I was about 15 I thought it was big and clever to push my father around cos I suddenly had grown taller and stronger than him...big mistake - I had 7 shades knocked out of me and was thrown out of the house - after a cold night of crying in the woods I came home and said I was sorry - we then were best of friends up until I lost him when I was 20
I think your lad needs a bit of a shake up - but maybe a session at a councillors amy help you all to realise why he has changed - it may be something as simple as him being bullied thats made him this way. Whatever it is you need to get him sorted and soon - if he keeps in this track he'll be in serious **** with the law at 18. Best of luck Simon - hope you get it sorted.
Cheers
R

Alpine99

i think RRH is clued in to the fact that something has gone wrong.. The question is how to turn it around..

I have a 15 month old daughter and to be honest I'm dreading her coming to the drugs age.. Been there and done that.. I was lucky though.. Going to feel like a hypocrite saying don't do it..

If I was in your shoes.. I'd try and control his money closely and involve him in something he'd like to do.. Perhaps you need to ask him what this is rather than imposing your ideas on him. Give him some responsiblities to the family.. make him understand that his actions are affecting his sisters..

MOst of all Good Luck for you all

LG John

That's pretty sad I think this kid is far worse than you a) realise! or b) have made out. It doesn't sound like a troubled teenage to me, it sounds like someone who's life is about to be seriously flushed down the pan! Perhaps you are beyond trying to talk him round, be nice, take him places. Perhaps now is the time to be a little more drastic and to stamp down some serious authority!

Hope you sort it mate

whiteyisback

If you're at the stage where he wont entertain the idea of getting into more constructive pusuits such as cars, fishing, etc then i can't see any other way out other than a big change of scenary...the moving to another/better area route.
I'm not proud of my past at all and as a dad myself dont often discuss it but in my mid teens all the way thru to my mid 20's I had a drug problem. Started smoking dope with mates as a teenager and by the time I hit 20 was taking coke, e, speed, ket, acid...anything i could get my hands on really. I'd always worked in the city in banks, finally culminating in landing the job of a money broker at 20. I can whole heartedly say that it was my immediate environment around me that vastly encouraged my drug intake, as in my work colleagues, social friends, area i lived in, etc. It was only by leaving my job (and totally changing my career), moving to a new area, cutting off contact with my old social circle of friends, etc that finally got me away from the evil drugs. In fact it was meeting my women that helped me do all this but hopefully you see what i mean when i say a whole life change is the easiest answer. Yes theres obviously a risk of him still going back to his old ways but at least if u did move you've cut out that easy route for him to score drugs, and you can monitor him from fresh, u'd be aware what to look for rather than have this horrible, nightmare creep up on you, as it seems it has.

super_si

get some older kids to be Pursuaive(sp)

Katana

Simon in all honesty, nothing beats (mind the pun) slapping or hitting your son if you catch him doing it. I lived through a time when my brother fell into the wrong crowd. It started with weed and ended with heroin. Ended when I found out and proceeded to beat him up and gave him the cold turkey treatment. As for the drug dealer, either shop him or hit him to the point where he cant stand. He's not gonna make it easy for you to take away his customer.