andrewdelvard

I'm sat here feeling so so sad but at the same time I'm trying not to be too self indulgent, after all I'm not the one whose got cancer that is so advanced that at best they've got a 50 50 chance of having another year. They aren't going to operate-no point. 1 year of life yet. **** he was so well last time a saw him a month ago how could he have become so ill? Mum is such a mess it's making her unwell too.
He's 79, fought in the war, was in a prisoner of war camp for the last two years. He came home weighing 7 stone and had a nervous breakdown. Turned to drink. Was always a bit of a drinker right up until two years ago when miraculously he stopped drinking. Just like that. The real person started to come out. The person he really is. Kind, sweet, generous like he never really was when I was a kid.
I understand now. Why he was the way he was. It was the war. He had to kill people, do things he didn't want too. Like I say I understand now but it affected our relationship and I hated him as a child. At one stage not talking to him for three years when I was at school.
I'm 36 now and know better but I just don't know how, after all this time how to tell him I love him. I can't remember having told him I do. But I have too/want too before it's too late.
He's got pneumonia at the moment and it's not looking good. His breathing is terrible. The Cancer has entered his bones something to do with that.
I'm going back home on Thursday to see him for a few days and I'd love, really love, to tell him. But I don't know how too. I don't know how I would form the words. He doesn't know how bad things are for him so I don't want to give anything away in how I speak to him. I just feeling a bit desperate, just typing this out has helped so I guess I'll go ahead and post it.
Suggestions please?

TurboKitty

Sorry to hear that. Sounds like grief counselling might be helpful.

It might be worth speaking to your doctor, or the doctor or unit treating your dad. They should be able to advise you.

If you have stuff to say, just say it. Tell it to him like you just told it to us. Something along the lines of, 'I know things have been a bit rough lately, and I have been thinking about how we haven't always seen eye to eye. I'd just like you to know that I love you'. To be honest, it doesn't matter so much how you say it. I'm sure he's worried and it will probably help. Even if it doesn't, you won't be left wishing you'd said it when you could.

Just my thoughts.

RB5320

Andrew - just come right out and tell him. It's not an easy thing to do (I was in the same situation several years ago) but it sounds like you will regret it if you dont. Us blokes tend to be brought up to believe that public demonstrations of emotion are a bad thing.
If you raise the subject you will probably find he has been thinking exactly the same thing.
I know from experience what a hard time this is. But dont give up - doctors are not always right and it sounds like your dad is pretty tough. Most importantly - make the most of whatever time you have - and that starts by telling your dad exactly how you feel.

All the best.

Steve

David Lock

Sorry to hear that Andrew. What about writing him a letter as a starting point? That way he gets to read it and re-read it and he might be able to appreciate your true feelings for him. Then you can visit etc. Sorry not trying to sound like an agony aunt but have been in similar situation myself. Good luck. David

XT

If you tell him what you just told us, that will definately do.....believe me.

Neil Smalley

Good advice above.
I can only imagine how you must been be feeling right now.
The important things is to tell your dad anything and everything you can, no matter how silly it might seem.

IF it happens, then it's natural to think 'if only' so please don't beat yourself up about what you think you should have and should not have done. It's easy to say and very hard to do. But now you have the time to go and say what needs to be said and make things more comfortble for him, and hopefully more comforting for you and your family.

A bloke from Starbucks

Andy, just come out and say it. It won't feel natural if you've not been used to saying it, but he'll appreciate it, and he'll know why you're saying it. I wish i'd been old enough to say something meaningful to my Mum before she passed away; it often haunts me. Don't let that happen to you chap.

Little Miss WRX

Yep, a good way to help you start to talk to your dad would be to write down everything you want to say.
It doesn't have to make sense at first, you can refine things after the initial outpour onto paper.

Get that done, then sit down and tell him what you wrote.

Speak to a doctor about some help if need be aswell.

Good luck.

Blackscooby

Both myself and my ex girlfriend watched her father die of cancer in 2001. Tell him exactly how you feel. Whatever you don't do what my ex did by not telling him how much she loved him. It ate her up for months and months afterwards wishing that she had resolved a few differences and put bygones in the past.

She was 22 at the time and nearly 2 years later, even though we've broken up and she's back home in New York she phones up in tears wishing that thing been said.

Mice_Elf

You've got the chance that so many of us would love to have had... An opportunity to say exactly how you feel, before it's too late and you're always left with the feeling of "if only".

If it's hard to say now and your dad sounds like a man with a strong character, write it down. Give it to him when he can read it and absorb the contents in private. He may not want you to see him breakdown.

He must know how bad it is and may be looking for an opening to settle his peace with you too.

Tell him - it's only hard in your mind.

All the best.
Mice.

Claudius

Sorry to hear the above. I agree with what's been said Dont know if this helps or sounds unconstructive, but a lot of people die at around 80, and many (most, in fact) die before. Just tell your dad you love him it's a normal thing to do and it doesnt make you a *****, like people said above

Badger Stuffer

Andrew,

So sorry to hear about your dad. I understand that you will find it tough to say how you feel when you go and see him but try to remember that allot of people don't get the chance to tell their loved ones how they feel before they lose them so make sure that you do, no matter how hard it is.

If you do this now it will greatly help you in the future to know that you said the things that were so important.

This is just my opinion and I hope that in some small way it helps.

You have allot of friend here on Scoobynet and I am sure that they will all be here to support you.

Keep your chin up mate and good luck.

Jason.

andrewdelvard

LOL you should see me now I'm sat here crying my eyes out after reading each of those replies! Rachel (my girlfriend) lost her Dad at the end of August last year and she's been saying how she wishes she'd been able to tell him all the things she had to say if only she'd had the chance.
I'd like to tell him how I much I looked forward to playing cricket with him in the park on Sundays, what brilliant sandcastles he'd make for me on the beach in Blackpool. How I loved the sledge he made me one year for Christmas. Things like that.
Thanks everyone. I'm trying to be positive and hope to be the son he deserves in the time we have left.

FERRARINUTTER

Sorry to hear the news, My grandad passed away (88) just before Xmas with this.

He was always fit then took a tumble healthwise, fortunately, his misery was short.

However, we as a family found that Switzerland had the best medical success rate for prostrate cancer

Tim-Grove

My dad died of cancer nearly 22 years ago now (im only 24) don’t remember him at all, don’t know if that might be a good thing???

Tim.

small beamer

sorry to hear about that

Leslie

Andrew

I feel so sorry for you, it is a real shock when something like that comes up in your life.

My father was in the 2nd World War and was taken a prisoner at Tobruk. He spent four of his best years in prison camps and that had a deep effect on him. He was a very difficult person to get on with when he came back. He really had it in for me most of the time.

Later in life when I had started my own career, he changed and we became the best of friends. We both respected each other and when he died I was very upset for a long time.

As everyone has said, you must tell your Dad exactly how you feel about him. It will be of very great importance to him, and you will feel happy that you have done it. Just tell him in your own words, like you have done here. He will know that you are being completely genuine and it will do a lot for him too.

I hope that things might yet change for the better though.

Les

PiNkEyE69

I'm very sorry to hear your news. A year and a half ago I was in the same siutuation. I feel what you are going through, I becamse estranged from my father at an early age due to his drinking problem he developed after leaving the army (he was 70). the whole family had distanced themselves from him due to his 'lack of understanding' when it came to raising a family. At the age of 6 he and my mother divorced as his drinking and domestic violence had become too much even for her.
Then 2 years ago my estranged father was diagnosed with prostate cancer, and at the time it was 50-50 as to whether they had got it in time. Unfortunatly they hadn't. If anything this did bring the family back together.
They tried all manner of medicine and pills and the doctors verdict was nothing was working.
I took him to Wales to visit his family in October but it felt like he was saying a last goodbye to them.
Eventually he moved back home so at least he was with family till the end. Just after Xmas 2001 he hadbad chest pains and was taken to hospital. They gave him several blood transfusions over the following weeks, but we all knew the result. the Cancer had infected the bones and the bloodstream.
They moved him to a hospice as he needed 24 medical hour attention which with a full working schedule me and my mother were unable to provide.
I rmember seeing him the morning before he went into the hospice and how he said it was just a short term visit. That was the last time I saw my father alive.
He died the following day, 6th Feb, at about 7pm.
The hard part was not the death or the funeral, but having to see him deteriorate into what he ended up as. I told my friends and family that if that ever happened to be then please allow me to go out with dignity before I get that far.
It's hard even now, with the 'anniversary' just passed, to think that in 6 or so short months he went from driving around and ballroom dancing (he had medals for this), to being bed-bound and need waited on.
These words cannot even begin to prepare you for what will come, but I hope you take solice in tha fact that there are people like us here that will help you through it.
Spend time with him, I regret that I never did as much as I could. I also regret that my oldest brother does not know about his fathers passing, as I have no way of getting in tough with him, I'd dreading his response when he does find out.

Trevor (Scoobynet alias: Pinkeye69)

[Edited by PiNkEyE69 - 3/10/2003 1:42:07 PM]