Badger Stuffer

A Man's Perfect Breakfast:

You're sitting at the breakfast table...
Your son's picture is on the cover of Time.
Your daughter is on the cover of Fortune.
Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.
Your wife is on the back of the milk carton

--------------------------------------------

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.
They had thoughtfully made a sign saying,
"The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"
and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them,
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said "Bridge Out""
---------------------------------

A woman driver is pulled over by a policeman:

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
stunned.

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Bet you the lying creep told you I was speeding, too.

--------------------------------------------

Old Lady Jokes

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you
to the beach?"

---------------------------------------------------


Subject: Islamic Suicides Explained


Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick
to commit suicide. Let's see, now . ...

No beer. No booze. No bars. No television. No cheerleaders. No
baseball. No football. No basketball. No hockey. No golf. No
tailgate parties. No hooters. No toilets. No pork BBQ, No hot
dogs, No burgers, No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen fish
sticks. No chocolate chip cookies, No Christmas. No medicine.
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next door because he's sick and
there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
You can't shave. Your wife can't shave. You can't shower to wash
off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. The women
have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your
donkey. But your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
-------------------------------------------------------------------


Subject: Fw: Listen to Daddy


Blond in a Blizzard

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snowplough to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snowplough went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snowplough, she was feeling very smug as they
continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplough stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signalled for her to roll down her window. The snowplough driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplough when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue, if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going
over to Canadian Tire next.