RoShamBo

iTrader: (1)

This wind-up article appeared recently in an American (US) magazine. By all
> accounts it was taken seriously by a lot of people.
>
> MONEY
> The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
> "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub
> but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once
> called a "shilling" the equivalent of seventeen cents American.
>
> MAKING FRIENDS
> If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a great "tosser" - he
> will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people,
> and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and
> tossers when you walk down the street.
>
> CUSTOMS
> Since their Labour government whole-heartedly embraced full union with Europe
> the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as
> the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call a
> "w@nk" As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon
> for people to over sleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the
> magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologise and
> explain that you were having a w@nk - everyone will understand and forgive you.
>
> RELAXING
> One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is
> gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you
> propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the boats
> (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some
> places that rent them to the publicby the hour. Just tell a professor or
> policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to
> know
> where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to
> protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Mazola and
> have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will
> know you are an experienced cottager.
>
> FOOD AND WINE
> British cuisine has a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic
> pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar,the American
> traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that
> a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon **** for). Few foreigners
> are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of
> meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British
> Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter
> you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your
> request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth
> while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realises you
> are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the
> restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he does not, you should order
> one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of
> Yorkshire and East Anglia - try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat
> indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay
> whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case
> you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should
> run a tab for you.
>
> TRANSPORTATION
> Public taxis are subsidised by Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London
> costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to over>
> charge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!" then grab the nearest
> policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined. It is rarely necessary to
> take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons'
> requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy
> gold-coloured coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the
> driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently
> try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested
> destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little
> does he know you're not so ignorant!). For those travelling on a shoestring
> budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially
> if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still
> travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the
> base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the
> state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware!
> Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the
> tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by
> French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement
> "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards
> the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they
> are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of
> transportation.
>
> AIRPORTS
> One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport,
> announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an International Jewish peace
> organisation - the shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this
> little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way
> through customs.
>
> Safe travels and Bon Voyage!


[This message has been edited by RoShamBo (edited 23 February 2001).]

AWD

That makes me laugh every time I see it.