Essex girl joke
10 October 2000, 12:16 AM
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I feel a loss of bandwidth with this thread, but here goes....
Sharon is shopping at Lakeside when she deicdes to buy some perfume.
The shop girl sprays her with the latest Gucci available and Sharon sniffs the scent.
"Cor, that's smashing wos it called?"
"Venez a Moi" says the shopgirl
"Eh, Wos dat den?" says Sharon
"Come to me" explains the shopgirl
"Don't smell nuffin like come to me" blurts Sharon
Yex
Sharon is shopping at Lakeside when she deicdes to buy some perfume.
The shop girl sprays her with the latest Gucci available and Sharon sniffs the scent.
"Cor, that's smashing wos it called?"
"Venez a Moi" says the shopgirl
"Eh, Wos dat den?" says Sharon
"Come to me" explains the shopgirl
"Don't smell nuffin like come to me" blurts Sharon
Yex
10 October 2000, 09:37 AM
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An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i. As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright.
"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.
"Everyphink is justa blur, I can't see a phing" she says, tearfully.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"
"Oh my God NAAA!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the waist down an all!!!
robski
"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.
"Everyphink is justa blur, I can't see a phing" she says, tearfully.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"
"Oh my God NAAA!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the waist down an all!!!
robski
11 October 2000, 12:30 AM
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Well, if we're off the topic of Essex girl jokes, I got this last week and found it pretty amusing. If you like the Darwin Awards you should like this:
Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious crimes including Murder/Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its "Top 12 Homicides of the Year".
------------------------------------
1- Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20" long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of "fun" she snapped, pushing all 20" of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.
2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.
3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.
4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to "have his way with her". His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barrelled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.
5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realised just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.
6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled "Boo!". The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting target. "She just looked like a very real looking target," one of the troopers stated in his report.
7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.
8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms is killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctors surgery or hospital for a check up.
9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his "two timing wife" by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar toC4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.
10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at a empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a "cup of coffee and a chat" about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
11- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, "Die Hard, With a Vengeance" as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read "Death to all Ni***rs!" on one side, and "God loves the KKK." on the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.
12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, "Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me. Brian". Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process...
11 October 2000, 10:35 AM
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Not an essex girl joke but still a damn funny one 
In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular
looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several
minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel,
and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the
tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
(1) The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me
and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn
must have slapped his face".
(2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on
the blonde and she smacked him".
(3) The Frenchman thought - "That ****ing Englishman put his hand on
that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
(4) The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I
can smack that French **** again".
In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular
looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several
minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel,
and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the
tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
(1) The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me
and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn
must have slapped his face".
(2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on
the blonde and she smacked him".
(3) The Frenchman thought - "That ****ing Englishman put his hand on
that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
(4) The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I
can smack that French **** again".
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20 July 2010, 09:10 AM
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Q: What do you call an Essex girl with half a brain ?
A: Gifted!
Q: How do Essex girl braincells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you brainwash an Essex girl ?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: How does an Essex girl part her hair ?
A: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
Q: Why do Essex girls wash their hair in the kitchen sink ?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: Why didn't the Essex girl want a window seat on the plane ?
A: She'd just dyed her hair.
Q: Why didn't the Essex girl want a window seat on the plane ?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why do Essex girls wear their hair up ?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: Why is it good to have an Essex girl passenger ?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why is an Essex girl like a turtle ?
A: They both get ****ed up when they're on their back.
Q: How do you make an Essex girl's eyes light up ?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why should Essex girls not be given coffee breaks ?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: How can you tell if an Essex girl's been using the computer ?
A: There's Tipp-Ex on the screen.
Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and a computer ?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What do an Essex girl and your computer have in common ?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
Q: What did the Essex girl think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get East Enders....
Q: Why do Essex girls wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you kill an Essex girl?
A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
Q: How do Essex girls pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: Why don't Essex girls eat Jelly?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: What do you call an Essex girl with a fiver on the top her head?
A: All you can eat, under a fiver.
Q: Why don't Essex girls eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Q: Why do Essex girls wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: What does an Essex girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do Essex girls wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
Q: How can you tell if an Essex girl has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Q: Why don't Essex girls use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
Q: Why do Essex girls wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
Q: What do Essex girls do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
Q: What's the mating call of the Essex girl?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly Essex girl?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: What's the mating call of the London girl?
A: "All the Essex girls have gone home!"
Q: What's the mating call of the Geordie girl?
A: "Next!"
Q: Why do Essex girls like VAT?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: What is 83 to an Essex girl?
A: 69 plus VAT.
Q: Why do Essex girls have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why do Essex girls have TGIF on their shirts?
A: **** go in front.
.
Q: What do you call a London girl with an Essex girl on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you say to an Essex girl that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do Essex girls do with their arseholes in the morning ?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
Q: What's the first thing an Essex girl does in the morning?
A1: Introduces herself.
A2: Walks home.
Q: How does an Essex girl like her eggs in the morning?
A: Unfertilized.
Q: Why did God give Esex girls legs?
A: Have you seen the mess slugs make?
Q: What's the first thing an Essex girl does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
Q: How do Essex girls turn the light on after sex ?
A: She opens the car door.
Q: Why do Essex girls like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: Why do Essex girls drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
Q: What is the worst thing about sex with an Essex girl?
A: Bucket seats.
Q: What do Essex girls say after sex?
A1: Thanks boys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you all play for the same team?
Q: What important question does an Essex girl ask her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Q: Why do Essex girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*
Q: Why do Essex girls have orgasms ?
A: So they know when to stop having sex !
Q: How do you tell when an Essex girl reaches orgasm ????
A1: She drops her nail-file!!!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says 'Next'
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
A8: She drops her chips
Q: What does an Essex girl say when you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What's the difference between the Blackpool tower and an Essex girl?
A: Not everybody's been up the Blackpool tower.
59.
Q: How many Essex girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Bacardi, and one to yell, "Daaady!"
Q: What's an Essex girl's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Eee-bee-zah!"
Q: What does a peroxide Essex girl and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.
Q: What is the difference between an Essex girl and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747
Q: What does a dumb Essex girl say when she gives birth?
A: Duh, are you sure it's mine?
Q: What did the Essex girl say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: What do you call 10 Essex girls standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 Essex girls in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb Essex girl, and a smart
Essex girl are walking down the street when they spot a 10 pound note. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb Essex girl! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart Essex girl.
Q: Why did the Essex girl scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: What do you do when an Essex girl throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: Why do Essex girls take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: Why did the Essex girl stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: Why did the Essex girl have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also from Essex!
Q: If an Essex girl and a brick are thrown off a building, which hits the ground first?
A: The brick. The Essex girl has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when an Essex girl gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: Whats the difference between an Essex girl and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: What is the difference between butter and an Essex girl?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
Q: What is the difference between an Essex girl and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You can't fit the Essex girl in the bowling ball.
Q: What do a bowling ball and an Essex girl have in common?
A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
Q: What is the difference between an Essex girl and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
Q: What is the difference between a smart Essex girl and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
A: Gifted!
Q: How do Essex girl braincells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you brainwash an Essex girl ?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: How does an Essex girl part her hair ?
A: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
Q: Why do Essex girls wash their hair in the kitchen sink ?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: Why didn't the Essex girl want a window seat on the plane ?
A: She'd just dyed her hair.
Q: Why didn't the Essex girl want a window seat on the plane ?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why do Essex girls wear their hair up ?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: Why is it good to have an Essex girl passenger ?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why is an Essex girl like a turtle ?
A: They both get ****ed up when they're on their back.
Q: How do you make an Essex girl's eyes light up ?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why should Essex girls not be given coffee breaks ?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: How can you tell if an Essex girl's been using the computer ?
A: There's Tipp-Ex on the screen.
Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and a computer ?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What do an Essex girl and your computer have in common ?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
Q: What did the Essex girl think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get East Enders....
Q: Why do Essex girls wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you kill an Essex girl?
A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
Q: How do Essex girls pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: Why don't Essex girls eat Jelly?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: What do you call an Essex girl with a fiver on the top her head?
A: All you can eat, under a fiver.
Q: Why don't Essex girls eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Q: Why do Essex girls wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: What does an Essex girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do Essex girls wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
Q: How can you tell if an Essex girl has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Q: Why don't Essex girls use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
Q: Why do Essex girls wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
Q: What do Essex girls do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
Q: What's the mating call of the Essex girl?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly Essex girl?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: What's the mating call of the London girl?
A: "All the Essex girls have gone home!"
Q: What's the mating call of the Geordie girl?
A: "Next!"
Q: Why do Essex girls like VAT?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: What is 83 to an Essex girl?
A: 69 plus VAT.
Q: Why do Essex girls have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why do Essex girls have TGIF on their shirts?
A: **** go in front.
.
Q: What do you call a London girl with an Essex girl on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you say to an Essex girl that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do Essex girls do with their arseholes in the morning ?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
Q: What's the first thing an Essex girl does in the morning?
A1: Introduces herself.
A2: Walks home.
Q: How does an Essex girl like her eggs in the morning?
A: Unfertilized.
Q: Why did God give Esex girls legs?
A: Have you seen the mess slugs make?
Q: What's the first thing an Essex girl does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
Q: How do Essex girls turn the light on after sex ?
A: She opens the car door.
Q: Why do Essex girls like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: Why do Essex girls drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
Q: What is the worst thing about sex with an Essex girl?
A: Bucket seats.
Q: What do Essex girls say after sex?
A1: Thanks boys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you all play for the same team?
Q: What important question does an Essex girl ask her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Q: Why do Essex girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*
Q: Why do Essex girls have orgasms ?
A: So they know when to stop having sex !
Q: How do you tell when an Essex girl reaches orgasm ????
A1: She drops her nail-file!!!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says 'Next'
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
A8: She drops her chips
Q: What does an Essex girl say when you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What's the difference between the Blackpool tower and an Essex girl?
A: Not everybody's been up the Blackpool tower.
59.
Q: How many Essex girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Bacardi, and one to yell, "Daaady!"
Q: What's an Essex girl's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Eee-bee-zah!"
Q: What does a peroxide Essex girl and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.
Q: What is the difference between an Essex girl and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747
Q: What does a dumb Essex girl say when she gives birth?
A: Duh, are you sure it's mine?
Q: What did the Essex girl say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: What do you call 10 Essex girls standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 Essex girls in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb Essex girl, and a smart
Essex girl are walking down the street when they spot a 10 pound note. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb Essex girl! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart Essex girl.
Q: Why did the Essex girl scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: What do you do when an Essex girl throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: Why do Essex girls take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: Why did the Essex girl stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: Why did the Essex girl have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also from Essex!
Q: If an Essex girl and a brick are thrown off a building, which hits the ground first?
A: The brick. The Essex girl has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when an Essex girl gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: Whats the difference between an Essex girl and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: What is the difference between butter and an Essex girl?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
Q: What is the difference between an Essex girl and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You can't fit the Essex girl in the bowling ball.
Q: What do a bowling ball and an Essex girl have in common?
A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
Q: What is the difference between an Essex girl and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
Q: What is the difference between a smart Essex girl and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
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