Shaolin

Without going into this to much, ive been seeing this woman, who is now divorced, and has 2 kids.
Everything seemed fine at the begining (ive been sort of seeing her for about 2 months ish), but she was just a friend for about a month and a bit before that.
Obviously being a single mum with 2 kids, her life is very busy, so seeing her sometimes is quite difficult, because she only really likes leaving the kids with her mum, and of course you cant expect that all the time.
The thing is that now it seems its me that has to do all the chasing, and asking her when can i see you next? or do you fancy going out friday for example.
Anyway, it got to the point where i mentioned this and we had a bit of an argument about it, i said some nasty things, and so did she.
So i said that i would back off for a while because she felt i was putting pressure on her (by asking when can i see you next!!).
But now i get text messages, virtually every morning and night, just saying night night, or morning, have a nice day at work, now this is fine in a small talk kind of way, but i take it from this, that it means that she is still interested in me, or that she just wants to keep me hanging on, or likes playing games, although she says she doesnt play games.
What do i do?......if i go round there, its putting pressure on her (she thinks), but obviously i want to see her and we did seem to get on really well.
This is long enough, and i havent mentioned even half of the things that make this complicated.
Any advice would be really appreciated.

Cheers.

sideshow

Are you mad pal, Knock the slag on the head. You don't want to be worrying about some other blokes kids!
Find yourself a nice young single girl with none of all that grief....

Shaolin

Thanks for the advice sideshow.

SB

Shoalin

I have been in a similar situation, I think you will find that she may not be able to trust someone easily IMHO.
I would be very laid back about the whole relationship, dont try to push too hard as I have found that this causes more grief.
You need to be patient, although mine was stretched to the point where I called it a day due to the problems she had that I couldnt help her with.
If you need any advice mail me

red_dog104

I was in her situation, single mum with a kid. My prob was that I found it hard to trust another bloke and also that I had the constant feer that I'd fall in love with him and I could end up ruining my sons life all over again when the new fella cleared off. I was sure that blokes don't want to bring up someone elses child. I was wrong! I'm so happy now it's unbelieveable. My little boy loves my partner and he feels the same. We have had a very complicated relationship but all the confusion etc was worth it. If you feel strongly about her and don't mind someone elses children then stick with it HOWEVER, don't let her treat you like a doormat. Play a bit hard to get. That's how my fella kept my interest! She'll come round

Shaolin

Any more, enough views, come on peeps.

Jen

Sounds from the info supplied that she's probably just a bit busy! You may just have caught her at teh wrong moment with the arguement, it can easily happen when you're tired/stressed/ or just being a woman I certianly get narky occasionally!

The text thing would be a good sign - it's something she can keep intouch with you with without taking up too much of her time. I think the above is good advice, take it easy and relax - suggest things you can do with the kids? Maybe you could take them out and give her a bit of relaxing time if she's very busy? Donno, just suggestions as every relationship is different....

Good luck!

Jen

ariel

Been there done that.
In the end her priorities were entirely to her children which is fair enough as she would not be the same person if she didn't.
Too difficult,painful and traumatic, for me anyway.

Shaolin

Thanks for the advice.

Just to add that last sunday we all went swimming, and i get on really well with the kids.
But this text thing could be good, but how long do i let it go on for?? part of me thinks that maybe she just like the attention, or just playing games like i said.
She is definately very confused, but not as confused as i am now!!!
Also like i said, she has been through alot (that i dont really want to mention on here).
And i do know that her kids come first which is to be expected, but it just feels that i am way down on that list.
And me backing off isnt the first time (because she feels im putting pressure on, so she doesnt call me etc), but when i back off, she starts all the texting again, and then i think she wants to see me, and it all happens again, one big circle.
Now i know this doesnt really make that much difference (to me anyway), but she is eight years older than me, 2 kids etc, and i think alot of blokes in my position would of done a runner by now.
So i hope she doesnt just think of me as a bit of an ego boost because she has got some amazing young stallion like myself thats interested in her

red_dog104

My fella is 5 years younger than me and I thought that he wasn't serious about me. How wrong I was!! You both need to talk and be 100% honest. It's so difficult to do but if you don't sort it out you will be going round and round in circles!!

astraboy

One of my mates who is from sweden gave me some invaluable advice about women that if you are brutally honest with yourself, you know is true.
"If women want you, they'll come to you. If not, **** em!" (that last bit was metaphorically speaking, obiviously)
C'mon admit it, he's right. Every women that you've got it together with has made most of the moves. Its how I live my life mate. If I go to a rave and a laydee likes what she sees, then she knows where to find me. If she dont, its her loss.
Trust me mate, life gets a whole lot easier and you feel a lot better about yourself when you give up "chasing".
astraboy.

EVOVI

I think you should get rid off her and get back together with me.You know we had something special going on and I think I can forgive you for seeing someone else.You know my number all you need do is call!!!!
XXXX

Shaolin

So do i go round there tonight and say i want to sort this out once and for all.........or do i just keep backing off and let her come to me?

Amanda-Jane

You might find that she likes you but worried about letting go due to her past and at this moment is in defensive mode, particularly so with the kids.

I have kept my son and SB apart until this weekend (for an hour or so) and I am gradually introducing them as I don't want to hurt Steven as he is my main priority and SB fully accepts this (I hope)

It's all very well that you can just walk away when you feel like but remember about the kids too, you mentioned you had all been swimming. I personally think it is best not to do that sort of stuff at the beginning and gradually introduce yourself to them.

i'm speaking from experience here as Steven saw quite a lot of somebody I was seeing and it confused him when he disappeared and I promised myself I would never do that again to Steven as he will always come first.

I really am on a major rant mode today

I do have loads more to say on the subject but to be honest, only you can make the decision and know what is going on in your head not the BBS!

All the best,

AJ

Markus

I know what it's like to be seeing a single mum with 2 kids, have been there myself.

Her life is busy and always will be. The one thing you have to accept, like it or not, is that the kids will always come before you. If you can't accept that, then it's not going to work. Harsh, but true. Does not mean she don't love you or does not want to see you.

I IS hard to accept this, but you have to. It took me a while, and I think I did kinda accept it after a while. If you get on with the kids, even better! You can be a big kid and I loved this aspect, as I could play on swings and slides (I'm a bit of a big kid ) and it was great.

The texts, to me, indicate she IS interested and does want a relationship with you. OK, some girls might mess with your head, but I don't think that a girl with two kids would have the time or inclanation to mess about with someone like this, I think she would have more than enough to be dealing with than this.

I think what you need to do is to get her mum to have the kids, and then go and see her, take her out to dinner, and talk to her about all of this, ask her what she really wants. Does she want to see you, etc...

image doctor

Ignore the bitch. Do not reply to texts or answer calls.

You'll get a response, it might not be the one you want though.

Amanda-Jane

and why is she a b1tch? This attitude really annoys me [img]images/smilies/mad.gif[/img]

AJ

MarkO

This may sound particularly stupid, but rather than try and resolve this by posting on a BBS full of muppets, have you considered actually sitting her down, telling her how you feel, and asking what's going on and where she wants things to go from here?

TopBanana

You're going to have to face up to the fact that the kids are a huge part of her life, and if you want to be a part of hers - you need to get to know them. If you're not ready for that, you should probably move on

image doctor

She is female, I hope this answers your question.


now why would you do that when you can air your dirty linen in public

Shaolin

Thanks again for the advice people, i saw her last night, and things seem ok..ish, just have to be patient and take things slowly.

Cheers.

Luke

Text,text,email.text,email,email.... Bloody hell dont people talk any more???

DRUNKNORGY

You definately should not chase her, As already stated she is already busy with her kids, If you don't want a relationship where kids are involved, Find someone else ! They are out there. This situation will not change until her kids have grown up and if she's any kind of a Mother she will always put their welfare before a Boyfriend. You are on the outside looking in and unless the relationship develops to a point where you both want commitment, it will remain that way. If you want it to continue, you must make her understand that you have a life as well and it won't always revolve around her schedule. She will give you more respect and you will feel better as a person for it.

BTW Kids are for life not just for Christmas
I have 2 of my own and I wouldn't want to take anyone elses on,
Lifes hard enough already.

babber

It's Interesting reading the womens comments on this thread mate.

And I would agree with what most people had written, she is going to put her children before you and always will, as that quite natural. When I was married to my Ex wife, it was something that did get on my **** from time to time. I was NEVER considered first, I was fifth in her priorities. The long and the short of it is, you just have to accept that.

Text messages are a terrible thing, as they can be read in so many different ways. I would say take the time to talk to her and see what she wants. She might not be ignoring you, she probably just very very busy. I have (or should I say had) four children and while they are awake, you haven't got any spare time to do anything mate. Go and see her after the children are asleep and tell her how you feel. See what she says and take it from there.

I would give you one good bit of advise IMHO. Don't talk heavy, kiss, cuddle, etc while the children are around.....Just act like her friend. It's early days and the children don't need anymore confusion in thier lives. Try to think from their point of view.

And if it doesn't work out the way you want, then go and find another women.....There are plenty of nice women out there mate. Ok lots of savage ones, but I don't even bother trying to talk to them (savage ones) anymore....Oh and wear a smile

Cheers Phill C

Shaolin

Babber and Luke.....exactly, i fookin hate mobiles at the best of times, esp texting, like you say, just looking at words you never know how they are being said, in a way its just to easy to get hold of people these days.

Dark Blue Mark

Get a hooker? It seems like the way forward as you end up paying for it either way at least on method is guaranteed I know quite a few people who have just had to pay divorce settlements, and they all agree... you end up paying for it

MB

MarkO

Babber/Luke - I don't understand. If we didn't use email and SMS, then I'd actually have to converse with people. Being a geek who's worked in IT for over 10 years, the idea of doing that scares the hell out of me.

DRUNKNORGY

Agree about getting a Hooker, at least you know what you both want from the deal. Far cheaper as well .

Cue indignant response >

Markus

Mark, I agree, I'm scared of phoning people! You have to 'talk' to em, whch can be a problem when you handle phone support
much prefer email and text and msn.

babber

Mark0,

Here you go, lol.... don't get me wrong I've had loads of action through sending text message to women, but in all fairness there are usually two or three ways of reading a text message ??

I am going through a divorce at the moment and am seriously paying for 13 years of no sex and arguements, and four lovely daughters.

I'm not sure that getting a hooker is the way forward. Why pay for sex when it's freely available ? In my experience if you're honest and up front with them, and tell them what you want / need, you be suprised to find that they're maybe after the same thing (i.e. Sex with no strings attached and no relationship)

Cheers Phill C

PS Just MHO