Bravo2zero_sps

The last 10 things any woman would ever say:
1. Could our relationship be more physical?....I'm tired of being just friends.
2. Go ahead and leave the seat up...it's easier for me to clean that way.
3. I think hairy ***** are really sexy.
4. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
5. Please don’t throw that old T-shirt away, the holes under the armpits are just too cute.
6. This diamond is way too big.
7. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
8. Wow! It really is 14 inches.
9. Does this make my bum look small?
10. I'm wrong....you must be right again.

Barely 20 minutes after teeing off, a woman came into the clubhouse, grimacing in pain. "What happened?"
the club pro asked. "I got stung by a bee," she replied. "Where?" "Between the first and second holes."
"Hmmm." the pro murmured. "Sounds like your stance was a little too wide."

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the petrol pumps,
and one of them said to it, "Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien,
annoyed by what he perceived to be the petrol pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently,
"Earthling, how dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustn't anger him!" but before he finished his warning, the
first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 metres into the desert, where they
landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said,
"What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how did you know he was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during all my travels through the galaxy, it's that
if a guy has a ***** he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't **** with him!"

The Queen visits a mental hospital and goes to the first ward. The first patient she sees is sitting up and with
his left hand he seems to be grabbing something from the air. She asks, "What are you doing?" The patient replies,
"I'm taking the stars from the sky!"
She then proceeds over to the second patient and he seems to be inserting something into the air. She asks,
"What are you doing love?"
The second patient replies, "I'm putting the stars back in the sky!"
Finally she reaches the third patient and he's sitting up pretending he's a rally driver and is making high speed noises.
She asks him, "What the hell are you up to?"
The patient replies, "I'm trying to get away from these two nutters, they're ****in' mental!"

Little ten-year-old Freddie goes for a long weekend with his uncle, a wealthy Hampshire farm owner.
One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted
by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out, "Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is ****ing the cow!"
Uncle John is highly embarrassed by his nephew's language and, taking young Freddie aside, explains
that a certain amount of decorum is required. "You should have said, 'The bull is surprising the cow'
- not some filth that you've picked up in the playground," he says.
A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his aunt and uncle are entertaining. "Uncle John! The bull
is surprising the cows!" The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you, Freddie, but surely
you meant to say the cow, not cows. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time, you know…"
"Yes, he can!" replies his obstinate nephew. "He's ****ing the horse!"

Bravo2zero_sps

A Russian, an American and an Irishman are sitting in a bar arguing who has the greatest nation. "Russia is
the greatest nation" proclaims the Russian, "We were the first into Orbit" "No way, the USA is the greatest,
we were the first on the moon" replies the American proudly. The Irishman then stands up and says "Ireland are
the greatest nation of all, we are going to be the first on the sun" "But you'll be fried you idiot" reply the
other two To which the Irishman retorts..."What do you think we are, stupid ?...We're going at night !"

Moses, Jesus and some old guy are playing golf together. They come to a par three with a beautiful lake
guarding the green.
Moses tees up and smacks one right into the middle of the lake. He raises his arms, parts the lake, finds
his ball and hits it onto the green.
Jesus tees off next and hits his drive right into the lake also. He walks across the water, his ball floats
up to the surface of the lake and he hits it onto the green.
Next up is the old geezer. He smacks his ball right towards the lake, but as it is going in, a fish jumps up
and snags the ball just as a pelican swoops down and grabs the fish. As the pelican is flying over the green
it is struck by a bolt of lightning, which causes it to drop the fish on the green where the ball rolls out of
it's mouth and into the hole.
Jesus looks over at the old man and says
"Bloody hell, Dad, can't you play golf like everybody else?!"

A man approaches a lady in a bar and whispers in her ear, "I'd love to fill your fanny with Guiness and then drink it all."
The woman runs off to her husband in disgust and tells him what has just happened.
"Aren't you going to sort him out then?" she asks, to which her husband replies, "Nah, any man who can drink 25
pints is alright in my book".

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband
to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must
warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job
in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you
these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also
involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby
has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie,
I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to
give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank **** for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little ******* was going to bark!"

Bravo2zero_sps

One day an executive businessman was driving through country lanes when his car broke down. He got out the car
and walked towards a distant light. When he came to the source of light he realised it was a farmhouse. He knocked
on the door and the farmer answered. "May I use your phone? My car has broken down about a mile down the road.",
the businessman asks politely. "I'm afraid we don’t have one, but I could give you a tow to town in the morning
and you can stay here the night!", the farmer kindly offers.
When it comes to bedtime the farmer admits to the fact that they only have one bed, so he'd have to share with him
and his wife. The businessman agrees and they go to bed with the businessman lying in the middle. After a while the
businessman gets a huge erection at the thought of lying next to the farmers wife. The wife, unable to sleep realises
this and turns to the businessman and says: "Listen, if you want to sleep with me, pull a hair out of my husbands
**** and see if he moves, if he doesn’t then he is asleep.
So the businessman carefully pulls a hair from the **** of the farmer and the farmer doesn’t move. So they ****.
Half
an hour later, the businessman gets another erection and pleased with her last **** she tells the businessman to
pull
another hair out. Discovering that the farmer is still asleep, they ****.
Then half an hour later the businessman gets another hard on. When he pulls a hair out of the farmers **** the farmer
turns to him and says: "Look, I don’t mind you ******** my wife but do you have to use my **** as a scoreboard".