I met the guy who invented window-sills the other day,

He's a right ledge!

 

I gave a friend over 10k for facial reconstructive surgery a few weeks ago

I haven't seen him since

 

Count your lucky stars! He sounds a bit two-faced to me.

 

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

 

I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

 

If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

 

April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.

 

I`m totally deaf........I never thought i`d hear myself say that!

 

I want to sell a strong lager and call it 'responsibly'

Then I will get free advertising from every other beer advert when they say 'please drink responsibly'

 

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady," why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

 

I thought it was my lucky day when clearing out my Granddads old attic.
I found a Picasso and a Stradivarius.


Unfortunately, Picasso was rubbish at making violins & Stradivarius can't paint for sh%t!!!

 

My girlfriend always wanted to do a bungee jump. So to stop her nagging I took her along to a decent well supervised bungee place where she had to complete a form with weight etc for rope adjustment.


She had a horrible death as she hit the ground at nearly full speed.


Her fault really as she always lied about her weight.........


david

 

A shark is involved in an accident in which he loses the large protrusion on his back and finds he's subsequently no longer able to pass water.

He sees a solicitor to try to get compensation...







The solicitor agrees to take on his case on a 'No Fin No Wee' basis.

 

What do you call 2 scottish gays?
Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

 

always wanted a race horse called "my face", just so I could hear the ladies shouting and encouraging its name on the home straight #oldiebutgoodie

 

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster...

 

The only problem with this is the gentlemen would be shouting it as well

 

Not a joke as such...

 

If I had a quid for every time someone called me racist, I’d have so much money that I’d probably get mugged by a black person....

 

I bought an ejaculating tortoise. He's certainly coming out of his shell...

 

Farting in a lift - wrong on so many levels!

 

Went to see the doctor earlier.

Me: Doctor, I can't stop singing 'Delilah'.
Doctor: Ah, you appear to have Tom Jones syndrome.
Me: Is it common?
Doctor: (singing) It's not unusual...

 

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a moth...
Doctor: I think it's the psychiatrist you need.

Patient: I know, but your light was on.

 

Knock knock,

Who's there,

Big ish,

Big ish who,

Not today thanks mate.

(Big issue)

 

A woman took her husband Rex to a psychiatrist because he believed he was a dog. The psychiatrist agreed to treat him and asked Rex to lie on the couch, but the wife said Rex wasn't allowed on the chairs.

 

Bloke walks into the doctors,
Patient. Doctor,doctor, I think I am a pair of curtains,
Doctor. Pull yourself together ,man

 

I was in the chemist last week but couldn't find the deodorant.
I asked the women for some
She asked "do you want the ball type"
I replied "no just the one for under your arms" ..........

 

I think the response from the chemist was

(said in a thick Dutch accent)

"Arsol or roll on ball"

to which the reply is "no Armpits"


otherwise not bad!!

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?