Milamber

iTrader: (2)

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to think of another wish."

The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', and know how to make them truly happy."

The genie paused for a while and said "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

Looie

Excellent.......

Arkwright

iTrader: (3)

That`s a cracker so it is,............................................... ............But oh so true.

Arkwright

iTrader: (3)

Hmmmmm controversial jokes you want eh! wonder where I heard some of those lately

Is is evil to wish a diabetic....................................sweet dreams


Drove over the downs last week.............................................. ...Knew I should`nt of took a short cut through that special needs school.

Milamber

iTrader: (2)

How to make a woman happy:

All you have to do is to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father figure

6. a teacher

7. an educator

8. a cook

9. a gardener

10. a carpenter

11. a driver

12. an engineer

13. a mechanic

14. an interior decorator

15. a stylist

16. a sex therapist

17. a gynaecologist/obstetrician

18. a psychologist

19. a psychiatrist

20. a therapist

21. a good father

22. a gentleman

23. well organized

24. tidy

25. very clean

26. athletic

27. affectionate

28. affable

29. attentive

30. ambitious

31. amenable

32. articulate

33. bold

34. brave

35. creative

36. courageous

37. complimentary

38. capable

39. decisive

40. intelligent

41. imaginative

42. interesting

43. prudent

44. patient

45. polite

46. passionate

47. respectful

48. sweet

49. strong

50. skilful

51. supportive

52. sympathetic

53. tolerant

54. understanding

55. someone who loves shopping

56. someone who doesn't make problems

57. someone who never looks at other women

58. very rich


AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU:


59. are neither jealous nor disinterested

60. get on well with her family, but don't spend more time with them than
with her

61. give her her space, but show interest and concern in where she goes


ABOVE ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO:


62. Not forget the dates of:

* anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first date...)

* graduation

* birthday

* menstruation

However, even if you observe the above instructions perfectly, you are not
100% guaranteed that she will be happy, as she could one day feel overcome
with the suffocating perfection of her life with you and run off with the
first wild *******-bohemian-drunk- bon viveur she meets...



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY


1. Let him play with your ****

mrs_b4

Very good but I'm sure that women require more than 1 thing to keep a bloke happy

Arkwright

iTrader: (3)

Oh yes the ability to cook is another

Milamber

iTrader: (2)

Why wouldn't the Statue of Liberty work in France? Because she has only one arm raised.

Milamber

iTrader: (2)

Q.What is the first thing the French teach their kids in school?
A.How to say "We Surrender" in German!

Captain Carbon

and not to whinge when we spend time on our cars...maybe even offer to clean it once in a while too...in a bikini...with her sister...

Milamber

iTrader: (2)

Question: What English word has no equivalent in the French language?
Answer: Gratitude

Quasi Modo

I think you'll find that that one thing is actually two.

An oldie, What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted. I have half a mind to, er, i've forgotten what i was gonna say now.

Arkwright

iTrader: (3)

Milamber

iTrader: (2)

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

mrs_b4

are you ok today Chris very random quotation's for you,perhap's your good lady isn't playing by your rule book

Milamber

iTrader: (2)

Looie

More importantly - why is she out of the kitchen...

Milamber

iTrader: (2)

funny place names

Quasi Modo

True, but you can always find your own gas.

Quasi Modo

Isn't there a place over there called Mianus? Not sure about the spelling but i remember a programme where they visited this place and kept going on about the many things in the town such as a fire engine in Myanus.
He asked this old man, "So, does anything much go on in Myanus? So stupid.

I've been passed a place called Trotters Bottom before, always makes me think of Only Fools and Horses.

Looie

There is a place called Allnuts at the back of Epping... even got it's own Post Office!

mrs_b4

sure we've been through a village called ****tering

mrs_b4

poxy scabbynet it's called sh1tt3r1ng

Milamber

iTrader: (2)

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy lost £500 on a single hand, clutched his chest, and dropped dead at the table. To show respect for their fallen brother, the other five continued playing standing up. After the hand, Michael O'Conner looked around and asked, "Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They drew cards for the task. Paul Gallagher picked the two of clubs and became the one to tell Mrs. Murphy the bad news. The others told him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. Gallagher responded: "Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher went to Murphy's house and knocked on the door. Mrs. Murphy answered, and asked what he wanted.

Gallagher declared, "Your husband just lost £500, and is afraid to come home".

"Tell him to drop dead!", said Mrs. Murphy.

"I'll go tell him." said Gallagher.

Looie

I heard on the news that David Beckham is going to miss the World Cup.

Can't he Sky+ it?

Looie

Cops in Alabama found a black man who'd been whipped, castrated, scalped, shot in the back 6 times, clubbed, set on fire, had his tongue cut out, drowned, disemboweled and hung from a tree.

Sheriff Klu Klux Keller said: " This is the worst case of suicide I've ever seen a ****** commit."

Looie

Was in my local museum the other day and wanted to look at the William Shakespeare exhibit.

So I asked a janitor who was sweeping the floor nearby.

"Excuse me mate where about is the Shakespeare exhibit?"

He pointed at the elevator and said, "It's on floor 2B......or not 2B"

Looie

Sometimes... When you cry... No one sees your tears...

Sometimes... When you're worried... No one sees your pain...

Sometimes… When you are happy... No one sees your smile...

But fart just one time...

Looie

Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absolute mystery as to why though?

The plot thickens...

Looie

A guy goes into a bar, and instead of the usual rows of taps and bottles there's just row upon row of baskets filled with red and green apples. "What's all this, then? I thought this was a bar, not a farmer's market!" he says to the barman. The barman replies that these are specially bred apples designed to taste like any drink you want - nice and healthy, but fermented to get you drunk.

So the guy decides to test this one out, and asks for a gin and tonic apple. The barman reaches over to a basket, and hands him an apple. The guy takes a bite into the red side of it, and says "This is a bloody useless apple, I can only taste gin!". The barman says "Turn it around...". The guy does this, bites into the green side and suddenly he can taste the tonic. It's a really good gin and tonic, the best he's ever had.

Feeling impressed, he orders a JD and Coke apple. Barman hands it over, he takes a bite into the red side of it and says "Hah, I can only taste JD!". The barman replies "Turn it around...". The guy does this, bites into the green half, and now he can taste the coke. Again, it's better than any JD and coke he's ever drunk.

After a couple more of these apples, the fermenting's kicking in and the guy decides to really test the barman. So he goes up to the bar, and says "I bet you can't give me an apple that tastes like a *****". The barman starts looking around in all his baskets, searching his cupboards, looks absolutely everywhere before he finally finds one. He hands it over to the guy, who takes one bite and shouts "Yuk, this apple tastes of ****!" The barman replies "Turn it around..."