wozzaa

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = rRomance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC


Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH


A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY


Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE


A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

ScuuBdoo

HAHA brilliant

wozzaa

Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree met on a coach journey, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, "Polo - I'm the one with the hole", she said.
"I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in a hotel and went straight to bed. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the Contrast of her Double Decker.
Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. But Ms Rowntree wasn't keen as she already had a few Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard.
He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted more but he decided to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. So he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbert. At the same time she gave him a Gob Stopper.
Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught something. It turns out Ms Rowntree had Assorted Creams in her box.
She had been with All Sorts !!

wozzaa

A German guy approaches a prostitute. "I vish to buy sex vit you".
"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 20 an hour".
"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do little kinky".
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs".
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans und knees" She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
"You vill please blow Zis vistle as I make love to you."
She finds this odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying
The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say:
"That was totally amazing, what do you call that?"
"Ah", says the German,
















"Four-sprung duck technique".

EmEm

I'm loving the sweet joke!!!! My office PTSL

Tiny

FPMSL ¬!!!

wozzaa

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to their offices. The Inspector is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his accountant.

The inspector says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The Inspector thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye."

The Inspector can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned Inspector now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's accountant as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The Inspector, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The Inspector leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's accountant moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the Inspector asks. "Not really," says the accountant. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-thousand pounds that he could come in here and **** all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

SirFozzalot

CrisPDuk

I think I've just had a coffee'n'keyboard moment

Dan W

When Burt the brickie turned up for work in a brand new Ferrari the site foreman naturally jealous ask Burt how he could afford such a motor on his wages. 'Gambling' said Bob, 'I always win when gambling'.

The foreman doesn't believe this so Burt says 'I bet you a grand that by the end of the day all the hairs on your b*ll*cks will have fallen out'.

The foreman happily agrees to this bet knowing how unlikely that is.

At the end of the day Burt walks into the foreman's office and asks if any of his hairs had fallen out.

'Not one' said the foreman 'so pay up'.

'Ok' said Bob, 'but before I do I obviously need to check, so drop your kegs'.

With that Burt took out his trowel and lifted the one nut, then the other.

'Fair enough said Burt' to the pleased as punch foreman' here is the grand I owe you, but see those 100 builders out there on site?'

who by now were looking through the window

I bet them a monkey each that I would have your b*ll*cks on my trowel by the end of the day.'

D1Daddy

The 8 year old who weighs 14 stone was on tv again last night. He was asked what his favorite musical instrument was at school.

The fat little **** said the dinner bell.....