LOL
23 December 2005, 10:23 AM
#1
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LOL
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and ask him what he calls it. "tiny" replies the man. "why's that" asks the barman. "Because he's my newt!"
23 December 2005, 11:28 AM
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A white horse walks into the same bar and says "Can I have a pint of lager please"
Barman says "I thought you would have wanted a whiskey as we've got one named after you"
The horse says "What, Derek???"
Loads more of these to come
Barman says "I thought you would have wanted a whiskey as we've got one named after you"
The horse says "What, Derek???"
Loads more of these to come
23 December 2005, 12:14 PM
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teacher
A teacher has asked her 6 year old class of kids to go home & think what would you like to be covered in , If you wasnt covered in SKIN.
the next day, she ask's so kiddies what are your answers,
Simon " if i wasnt covered in skin i would like to be covered in GOLD"
Teacher " why is that"
Simon " we if i was every feeling low i could scratch myself & get a little pile of GOLD & buy myself a FERRARI"
Teacher " thats nice"
David " Well miss if i wasnt covered in skin i would like to be covered in PLATINUM,
Teacher "why is that"
David " PLATINUM is worth more than GOLD & i could get myself a FERRARI & a PORSCHE"
Teacher " Oh o.k"
BILLY stands up,
"Miss if i wasnt covered in skin i would like to be covered in PUBIC HAIR"
Teacher " oh why is that Billy"
Billy " well my sister has a little patch of it, & you should see the motors out side her House"
Sorry Baz
the next day, she ask's so kiddies what are your answers,
Simon " if i wasnt covered in skin i would like to be covered in GOLD"
Teacher " why is that"
Simon " we if i was every feeling low i could scratch myself & get a little pile of GOLD & buy myself a FERRARI"
Teacher " thats nice"
David " Well miss if i wasnt covered in skin i would like to be covered in PLATINUM,
Teacher "why is that"
David " PLATINUM is worth more than GOLD & i could get myself a FERRARI & a PORSCHE"
Teacher " Oh o.k"
BILLY stands up,
"Miss if i wasnt covered in skin i would like to be covered in PUBIC HAIR"
Teacher " oh why is that Billy"
Billy " well my sister has a little patch of it, & you should see the motors out side her House"
Sorry Baz
23 December 2005, 01:55 PM
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Location: Looking forward to weekend away with the girls.........Im gonna get so pissed lol
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How do you know Santa's a man? Cos he turns up late,eats ur food, drinks ur booze, emptys his sak, only comes once, then ***** off b 4 u wake up!
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23 December 2005, 03:51 PM
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A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says
"This is the pig I have to fu*k when your not up for sex"
His wife says
"I think you'll find thats a sheep!"
He says
"I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!"
"This is the pig I have to fu*k when your not up for sex"
His wife says
"I think you'll find thats a sheep!"
He says
"I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!"
23 December 2005, 05:13 PM
#9
3 ducks go to a pub and orders a pint of lager between them, the barman says" hello lads, haven't seen you here before, whats your name? had a good day?"
the first duck says "I'm Donald, I had a great day, went for a walk, the weather is lovely and I've been in and out of puddles all day"
The second duck says "I'm Donald, and I've had a blinding day, went for a walk and been in and out of puddles all day too"
That's great" says the barman, "I suppose your name is Donald too"
"no" says the third duck "I'm puddles"
the first duck says "I'm Donald, I had a great day, went for a walk, the weather is lovely and I've been in and out of puddles all day"
The second duck says "I'm Donald, and I've had a blinding day, went for a walk and been in and out of puddles all day too"
That's great" says the barman, "I suppose your name is Donald too"
"no" says the third duck "I'm puddles"
23 December 2005, 09:56 PM
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man walks into a pub with his pet giraffe
and makes it lay infront of the bar
man says "barman, pint for me and a water for the pet"
barman says "you can't leave that lying down there mate"
man says "thats not a lion mate, its a giraffe"
budgie
and makes it lay infront of the bar
man says "barman, pint for me and a water for the pet"
barman says "you can't leave that lying down there mate"
man says "thats not a lion mate, its a giraffe"
budgie
24 December 2005, 12:54 PM
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Older but not Wiser
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
24 December 2005, 12:55 PM
#13
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Dear Friends And Family
With Christmas almost upon us, I'd like to extend my heartfelt appreciation to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and healthy.
* Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
* Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
* Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic to think about as you feel it in your throat.
* I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
* I no longer go to shopping centres because someone might drug me with a cologne sample and rob me.
* I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
* I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
* Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
* I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the Internet who is about to die in the hospital
(for the 1,387,258th time).
* I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.
Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00PM (EST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
Merry Christmas one and all!!
With Christmas almost upon us, I'd like to extend my heartfelt appreciation to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and healthy.
* Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
* Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
* Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic to think about as you feel it in your throat.
* I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
* I no longer go to shopping centres because someone might drug me with a cologne sample and rob me.
* I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
* I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
* Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
* I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the Internet who is about to die in the hospital
(for the 1,387,258th time).
* I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.
Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00PM (EST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
Merry Christmas one and all!!
24 December 2005, 12:56 PM
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Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same tag-line...
Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.
Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.
Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop
Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide
**** condoms - no comment required.
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.
Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault condoms - size really does matter!
Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! (Eeeuww!!.....)
Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal
Polo condoms - the condom with the hole
The Manchester United Condom... One Yank and your whole world falls apart
Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.
Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.
Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop
Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide
**** condoms - no comment required.
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.
Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault condoms - size really does matter!
Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! (Eeeuww!!.....)
Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal
Polo condoms - the condom with the hole
The Manchester United Condom... One Yank and your whole world falls apart
26 December 2005, 02:39 PM
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cracker jokes
Why did the teacher switch on the lights?
Because the class was so dim.
What do you call an ill highwayman?
Sick Turpin.
Whats greaan & goes dah-dit, dah-dah, dah-dit?
Morse toad.
Whats yellow & a whizz @ maths?
A banana with a pocket calculator.
Sorry
very bored Baz
Because the class was so dim.
What do you call an ill highwayman?
Sick Turpin.
Whats greaan & goes dah-dit, dah-dah, dah-dit?
Morse toad.
Whats yellow & a whizz @ maths?
A banana with a pocket calculator.
Sorry
very bored Baz
30 December 2005, 09:23 PM
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Why did the baby foal take thoat lozenges?
Because he was a little horse! boom boom
Who was the biggest robber in history?
ATLAS- he held up the world!
Because he was a little horse! boom boom
Who was the biggest robber in history?
ATLAS- he held up the world!
30 December 2005, 09:26 PM
#19
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What goes round the jungle grunting & sending all the other animals to sleep?
A wild Bore.
Teacher: What do you know about the dead sea?
Garry: I didnt even know it was ill?
A wild Bore.
Teacher: What do you know about the dead sea?
Garry: I didnt even know it was ill?
31 December 2005, 08:31 PM
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HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.
2. Are you clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.
2. Are you clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache
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