SHESCOOBY

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went
to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any
jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch.
How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might
need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the
conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch
goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She
was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and
I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man
reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde
added,"that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Her at the back

love it

Cornelius

iTrader: (2)

very good!!!

A bloke goes to his doctor, complaining about a lettuce leaf growing out of his bum, so the doctor asks him to pull down his strides so he can examine it, after a while, the doctor says, "I'm really sorry, but it's serious, this is only the tip of the iceburg"

SHESCOOBY

pmsl



Kaz

baz69birds

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Cornelius

iTrader: (2)

2 guys were talking in a pub, the first guy asks, "So, where are you from mate?" the second guy replies, "I'm from Wales, how about you" after a few seconds later, the first guy replies frustratedly "oh, if you're from Whales, I'm from Dolphins"

STI-CKI

pmsl at all of them

John1uk

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate

********************************************
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! T YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech! Support

John1uk

Mike Tyson's Computer

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?

It has two bytes and no memory.

Her at the back

LOVE IT
now know what to try on program

Cornelius

iTrader: (2)

2 blokes were walking home from a pub when they walk past a garden with 2 dogs humping away like theres no tomorrow, the first guy says, "that's the only way to make love to a woman" the second says" yeah? what do you mean" " well, give your lady a couple of martinis to get her in the mood, bend her over at 45 degrees, and away you go"

a couple of nights later at the pub, the second guys says" Wow, I tried that, and it was the best sex ever, but it took 10 martinis" "what do you mean?" asks the first guy "well, after the first 2 drinks, she was well up for it, but it took another 8 to get her on that front garden!!"

yellowvanman

A moral story.........


Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating, or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far
cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut
off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was, "You
look just like a man!" My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the
price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother
had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee
was £49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work
it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million pounds, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home
you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have
the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you
wrote, you won't get a penny from me. So take care.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

SirFozzalot

spally

iTrader: (1)

Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I p1ssed myself laughing'.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale cl!toris licking frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour Madame'.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'What's your mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big ***** and vodka'.

A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said ........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.

Boss has to lay off either Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better jack off, I've got a headache'.

It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel....
They say it's only for the Christmas period.

essexboy30

iTrader: (1)

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the 'Hokey Kokey' died peacefully age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.

SHUT UP. You know its funny!.