Modem Humour ?
26 March 2003, 04:27 PM
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As posted to comp.unix.sco.misc.
Mark Alliban enscribed:
How can I disable the modem whirring when a client dials in to OSR5? My computer is rack-mounted and will be placed in Telehouse so it should attract as little attention as possible to avoid being used as a coffee stand/pen holder.
Preferred: Read the modem manual, find the codes to turn off the
speaker and set them in the modem's NVRAM.
Alternate: Rip all of the pages out of the manual and wrap them
around the modem.
Unix Solution:
cu -l /dev/ttyXX -s 38400 dir
ATZ (soft reset to NV settings)
OK
ATM0 (turn off the speaker)
OK
AT&W (save settings to NV RAM)
OK
~.
If you're using the atdialer, edit the file:
/usr/spool/uucp/default/your_modem
and change the modem init string to include "M0."
Hardware Solution:
Open the modem with a screwdriver or can opener. Cut one wire going
to the loudspeaker. Reassemble modem with remaining screws or duct tape (whichever is more convenient).
Software Solution:
RTFM the printed manual and select several pages of technobabble to
sacrifice. Rip out these pages and shove into the modem speaker. Wrap with duct tape.
Hacker Solution:
Find ice pick. Stab speaker until dead.
Note: This may void your warranty.
MSDOS/Windoze Solution:
It's a feature, not a bug. The noise is there for your own good. We
know what's good for you. This feature will be fixed in the next
release.
NT Solution:
Run reg32edt and add the undocumented key to:
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINESystemCurrentControlSetServicesC lass
Modem0001AlmostThereDontGiveUpNowInit
as:
TurnOffTheStupidSpeaker=1
Kid's Solution:
Position modem with speaker facing upward. Pour pancake syrup into
speaker. This will greatly reduce the high frequency response of the speaker thus attenuating the sound.
Programmers Solution:
Download the complete Rockwell command set from the modem manufacturer's site and use the bit mapped register functions to disable the speaker.
Be sure that the warranty is still active as one mistake may also
disable the modem.
Policital solution:
Call the modem manufacturer and demand that they supply you with a modem that defaults with the speaker turned off. If they refuse, sue them for noise pollution.
Fast Solution:
Take two needles, two clip leads and a 12volt battery. Observe that the leads of the speaker coil are visible through the grill where they are glued to the cone. Puncture these points with the needles and apply 12volts. The speaker coil will fuse open.
Dealer Solution:
What you need is the new Fire-Belcher 2000 wiz bang modem with the built in speaker phone and voice command recognition. Just yell at the modem and the speaker will turn off.
The ILEC Solution:
Noisy modems are a side effect of ancient POTS technology. What you
need is ISDN which has no dialtone, touchtones, or obnoxious noises.
Just sign here.
Mark Alliban enscribed:
How can I disable the modem whirring when a client dials in to OSR5? My computer is rack-mounted and will be placed in Telehouse so it should attract as little attention as possible to avoid being used as a coffee stand/pen holder.
Preferred: Read the modem manual, find the codes to turn off the
speaker and set them in the modem's NVRAM.
Alternate: Rip all of the pages out of the manual and wrap them
around the modem.
Unix Solution:
cu -l /dev/ttyXX -s 38400 dir
ATZ (soft reset to NV settings)
OK
ATM0 (turn off the speaker)
OK
AT&W (save settings to NV RAM)
OK
~.
If you're using the atdialer, edit the file:
/usr/spool/uucp/default/your_modem
and change the modem init string to include "M0."
Hardware Solution:
Open the modem with a screwdriver or can opener. Cut one wire going
to the loudspeaker. Reassemble modem with remaining screws or duct tape (whichever is more convenient).
Software Solution:
RTFM the printed manual and select several pages of technobabble to
sacrifice. Rip out these pages and shove into the modem speaker. Wrap with duct tape.
Hacker Solution:
Find ice pick. Stab speaker until dead.
Note: This may void your warranty.
MSDOS/Windoze Solution:
It's a feature, not a bug. The noise is there for your own good. We
know what's good for you. This feature will be fixed in the next
release.
NT Solution:
Run reg32edt and add the undocumented key to:
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINESystemCurrentControlSetServicesC lass
Modem0001AlmostThereDontGiveUpNowInit
as:
TurnOffTheStupidSpeaker=1
Kid's Solution:
Position modem with speaker facing upward. Pour pancake syrup into
speaker. This will greatly reduce the high frequency response of the speaker thus attenuating the sound.
Programmers Solution:
Download the complete Rockwell command set from the modem manufacturer's site and use the bit mapped register functions to disable the speaker.
Be sure that the warranty is still active as one mistake may also
disable the modem.
Policital solution:
Call the modem manufacturer and demand that they supply you with a modem that defaults with the speaker turned off. If they refuse, sue them for noise pollution.
Fast Solution:
Take two needles, two clip leads and a 12volt battery. Observe that the leads of the speaker coil are visible through the grill where they are glued to the cone. Puncture these points with the needles and apply 12volts. The speaker coil will fuse open.
Dealer Solution:
What you need is the new Fire-Belcher 2000 wiz bang modem with the built in speaker phone and voice command recognition. Just yell at the modem and the speaker will turn off.
The ILEC Solution:
Noisy modems are a side effect of ancient POTS technology. What you
need is ISDN which has no dialtone, touchtones, or obnoxious noises.
Just sign here.
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