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Old 09 January 2013 | 02:04 PM
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Originally Posted by LSherratt
Watching that autistic man going on a first date with that second girl (not the first one called Kirsty), was ridiculous. I know he's autistic and everything but it seems to be more noticeable when he is on a date. When he was talking it was as if he was reading it off a script, or a job interview, or talking to her as if she was an alien. As already mentioned by someone else, his Mother certainly doesn't help IMO.... "ahhhh a Gentleman never tells!!"
reading questions from his phone.

it was like an interrogation
Old 09 January 2013 | 02:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Lydia72
My friend is disabled (physically not mentally) and is keen to find a bloke. The problem is that people see the wheelchair before they see her.
She's currently trying on-line dating, but if she mentions in her profile that she is disabled then she doesn't get any interest, not a bite. She's changed her details, so it doesn't mention it and had lots of men get in touch, then she has the problem of when to tell them...
Some of them have sounded really nice, keen etc and then she mentions the wheelchair and doesn't hear another word, they don't even let her down gently.

I know it's a lot for someone to take on but it seems so unfair that she's pretty, bright, funny, tries to be as independent as possible, and just can't get a partner through no fault of her own.

I'm disabled myself and a wheelchair user. I too am using online dating to find a partner. I feel for your friend and her difficulties in finding someone who will look beyond the chair.
Old 09 January 2013 | 02:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Spoon
Lydia, under no circumstances encourage your friend to use a disabled dating site. She is clearly not in the same league, just as the girl that suffered a stroke isn't.
Come on, Spoon, let's have a civilised chat. Why do you give this advice? Not everybody on disabled dating sites is severely disabled, or disabled at all. Surely if you're up-front about your impediment, you're more likely to find somebody willing to tolerate it?
Old 09 January 2013 | 02:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Spoon
Lydia, under no circumstances encourage your friend to use a disabled dating site. She is clearly not in the same league, just as the girl that suffered a stroke isn't.

On a physical disability point, not mental, DYK makes the most valid point above about how easy it is to become disabled through an accident. Does that mean posters here would recommend a disabled dating site to their best mate, the same person they shared great times over many years at events, parties, concerts, work etc if they knew that person better than most? Absolutely not! They'd see their friend as no different. Of course there are a few more problems to face and daily obstacles to work round but as far as friendship goes it shouldn't change.

Lydia, your friend will meet someone who can see above her disability but she'll need to be active in her search of course. By that I mean chatting online or getting out but not trying too hard to be in a relationship. The right person will arrive.

Mentioning the wheelchair immediately is always going to be a problem on any dating sites as most people haven't got a clue what it would entail and they'd also not have the personality to cope with explaining their reasons to their own friends and family as to why they chose to date someone in a wheelchair, so they'd rather move on quickly. That says far more about the other person than the wheelchair user who may well be attractive, intelligent, capable, successful and popular. At least when chatting to someone in a pub for instance there is no hiding the wheelchair.

Thanks
Your second paragraph is spot on.
Old 09 January 2013 | 02:28 PM
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I think it is wrong to put a programme like that on the tv which enables those who are not disabled in anyway physically or by their appearance and who who are lucky enough not to have to go through life with such disadvantages can gawp at them for their own entertainment!

Les
Old 09 January 2013 | 02:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Leslie
I think it is wrong to put a programme like that on the tv which enables those who are not disabled in anyway physically or by their appearance and who who are lucky enough not to have to go through life with such disadvantages can gawp at them for their own entertainment!

Les
it was designed for people to gawp/laugh at the mentally disabled.

typical channel 4
Old 09 January 2013 | 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted by TelBoy
Come on, Spoon, let's have a civilised chat. Why do you give this advice? Not everybody on disabled dating sites is severely disabled, or disabled at all. Surely if you're up-front about your impediment, you're more likely to find somebody willing to tolerate it?
Tel, because those, like Lydia, will know exactly what I mean and those that don't, won't.
Originally Posted by Lydia72
Thanks
Your second paragraph is spot on.
I could also explain it in massive depth, Tel, but you're not the type of person to listen if it doesn't tally with your own thoughts, even if it is fact.

I would be interested in you answering the question I posed in the second paragraph though, genuinely.
Old 09 January 2013 | 02:53 PM
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How can you make that assumption? I have no strong views on this at all, only what i see from programmes like that. And the evidence they present is that disabled dating sites do give people opportunities to meet other people. How can it not become utterly depressing to get rejection after rejection because of a wheelchair. Surely by hoping the one person in a million who *can* accomodate it after getting to know the person will appear, is restricting your chances because you think you'll meet less genuine/worthy people on specialist sites? Will look at your second paragraph.
Old 09 January 2013 | 02:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Spoon
On a physical disability point, not mental, DYK makes the most valid point above about how easy it is to become disabled through an accident. Does that mean posters here would recommend a disabled dating site to their best mate, the same person they shared great times over many years at events, parties, concerts, work etc if they knew that person better than most? Absolutely not! They'd see their friend as no different. Of course there are a few more problems to face and daily obstacles to work round but as far as friendship goes it shouldn't change.

This is the same point. Nobody is saying that people should be condemned because of an accident, but neither should people restrict their chances of finding a partner? What i'm missing, obviously, is the point you're insinuating that love found on a disabled website is different from that found on a normal dating site. If it is, ok it is, i don't need the lengthy explanation, but it's not a point that programmes such as The Disabled make, that's all.
Old 09 January 2013 | 03:00 PM
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stop your bitchin' you pair.

they are all looking for love, lets hope they found it.
Old 09 January 2013 | 03:03 PM
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Originally Posted by tubbytommy
it was designed for people to gawp/laugh at the mentally disabled.

typical channel 4
Certainly was,as I was saying above.

Nothing to be proud of as far as I am concerned.

Les
Old 09 January 2013 | 03:12 PM
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I know it's not the same thing but it would be like saying if you have ginger hair you should only go on a dating website for gingers. You're being assigned a box and not allowed to step out of it.

It's the fact that people are being defined by something they have no control over whilst being overlooked for the good things about them.

I wouldn't say to her "Well I'd like to be your friend but I won't because you're in a wheelchair". But to some extent that is what people are saying to her. I know it's not that simple but it's frustrating all the same.
Old 09 January 2013 | 03:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Lydia72
I know it's not the same thing but it would be like saying if you have ginger hair you should only go on a dating website for gingers. You're being assigned a box and not allowed to step out of it.

It's the fact that people are being defined by something they have no control over whilst being overlooked for the good things about them.

I wouldn't say to her "Well I'd like to be your friend but I won't because you're in a wheelchair". But to some extent that is what people are saying to her. I know it's not that simple but it's frustrating all the same.

but imagine if you were on a mainstream dating website and you went on a date with the autistic guy.

its better for him that he is dating people who are already are aware of his condition as i could imagine constant rejection would not be good for him.
Old 09 January 2013 | 03:17 PM
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Sure, i sort of get the semantics, Lydia. It's just that from what you've said, your friend has had no success from regular dating sites. And although i understand the stigma of a specialist site, it's a shame if the admins can't overcome the feeling of being pigeon-holed for their users. Tricky situation i can only imagine.
Old 09 January 2013 | 03:28 PM
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Originally Posted by TelBoy
Sure, i sort of get the semantics, Lydia. It's just that from what you've said, your friend has had no success from regular dating sites. And although i understand the stigma of a specialist site, it's a shame if the admins can't overcome the feeling of being pigeon-holed for their users. Tricky situation i can only imagine.

I've got able-bodied friends who've had no luck on regular dating sites too, they sound bloody awful to be honest. A lot of tales of blokes old enough to know better asking them to send dirty pics etc with their second email.

In my day we went out to a club, got drunk, had a grope with someone when the smoochy songs came on, and then if you were lucky/ unlucky you saw them again the next week [/old gimmer mode off]
Old 09 January 2013 | 03:29 PM
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Originally Posted by TelBoy
How can you make that assumption? I have no strong views on this at all, only what i see from programmes like that. And the evidence they present is that disabled dating sites do give people opportunities to meet other people. How can it not become utterly depressing to get rejection after rejection because of a wheelchair. Surely by hoping the one person in a million who *can* accomodate it after getting to know the person will appear, is restricting your chances because you think you'll meet less genuine/worthy people on specialist sites? Will look at your second paragraph.
I don't doubt you don't have strong views on this at all, Tel. I make my assumption on the point of when you mentioned the word "civilised" in your original post to me, it suggests some-what that you assumed my post was in direct response to yours and that I was saying, by way of my response, that you we're an idiot for saying it. I don't at all, I can however tell you haven't got a close friend with a physical disability requiring a wheelchair because had you, your response would have matched Lydia's.

Physically disabled wheelchair users, through injuries particularly, do not see themselves as disabled, apart from the obvious restrictions and prejudices. The last thing they want to do is join a disabled dating site or be seen to relate to these programmes anymore than an able-bodied person.

Oh and accommodate has 2 'Ms'
Old 09 January 2013 | 03:30 PM
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Originally Posted by tubbytommy
stop your bitchin' you pair.

they are all looking for love, lets hope they found it.
We're not bitchin' you fat ****.
Old 09 January 2013 | 03:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Spoon

Physically disabled wheelchair users, through injuries particularly, do not see themselves as disabled, apart from the obvious restrictions and prejudices. The last thing they want to do is join a disabled dating site or be seen to relate to these programmes anymore than an able-bodied person.
Spot on
Old 09 January 2013 | 03:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Spoon
I can however tell you haven't got a close friend with a physical disability requiring a wheelchair because had you, your response would have matched Lydia's.

Physically disabled wheelchair users, through injuries particularly, do not see themselves as disabled, apart from the obvious restrictions and prejudices. The last thing they want to do is join a disabled dating site or be seen to relate to these programmes anymore than an able-bodied person.

No, i don't have any friends in that situation, correct. I do understand as best i'm able that they don't see themselves as disabled, and that's a great state of mind to maintain. But most of the rest of the world does. So although i completely understand that in a relationship you'd want to be treated as if the disability didn't exist, for the purposes of actually meeting somebody i'd have thought that restricting yourself to regular dating sites would be a bad idea. I'm just curious because i enjoy The Undateables and they don't answer the many questions these situations create.
Old 09 January 2013 | 04:21 PM
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Originally Posted by TelBoy
No, i don't have any friends in that situation, correct. I do understand as best i'm able that they don't see themselves as disabled, and that's a great state of mind to maintain. But most of the rest of the world does. So although i completely understand that in a relationship you'd want to be treated as if the disability didn't exist, for the purposes of actually meeting somebody i'd have thought that restricting yourself to regular dating sites would be a bad idea. I'm just curious because i enjoy The Undateables and they don't answer the many questions these situations create.
It's a worse idea to give up that "great state of mind" though.

As Lydia points out her able bodied friends don't have much luck on dating sites, nor do lots of people if they don't present themselves well or just aren't chosen. What is their option? Join a "Shít Out Of Luck" dating agency for losers in love or improve on their attraction skills and get on with it?
Old 09 January 2013 | 04:42 PM
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I had the misfortune of watching this show, the remote was too far away to use to turn over so i continued to watch.

To get onto the topic of the disabled lady in this thread who is having issues, maybe she should start to look at herself as disabled, in the eyes of finding mr right, i mean, sure, people can fall in "love" online but when they meet a wheelchair isnt for everybody, if she dated people who knew about her disability at the beginning she wouldnt be so dissapointed each time she replies to a man then tells them and hears nothing back.

sounds harsh but the example of being ginger or blonde isnt really the same type of example, being ginger, unless you live round my way, wont stop you walking up some stairs for example !

i use a dating site since splitting with my ex of 15 yrs and not sure if you have ever watched the show take me out, where the women buzz the guy out if he is wearing funny colour socks, smiled at the wrong time or just wore a black top and didnt match it with the right colour trousers, well, this is what its like in the real world also, on the dating sites anyway !

Its a harsh world out there, i wish her well but sometimes if you fit in a square hole, you need to realise you are a square
Old 09 January 2013 | 05:03 PM
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Originally Posted by TelBoy
And Rollerball.
I blame Speedball II

spoon, i'm not sure that a disabled dating thing is a bad call. Tourettes chap wasn't introduced to someone with a disability and neither was the blonde lass.

She could probably use a regular one and seemed to have tried but went with a group that vetted people beforehand.

given the reactions mentioned already you really don't want to turn up and meet a bigot. It's good they offer to mediate sometimes. Tough call but hoing on the results, could be worth it.

Totally agree about disabled people just seeing themselves as people though.

My mrs is one of them.
Old 09 January 2013 | 05:06 PM
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Originally Posted by The Rig
I had the misfortune of watching this show, the remote was too far away to use to turn over so i continued to watch.

To get onto the topic of the disabled lady in this thread who is having issues, maybe she should start to look at herself as disabled, in the eyes of finding mr right, i mean, sure, people can fall in "love" online but when they meet a wheelchair isnt for everybody, if she dated people who knew about her disability at the beginning she wouldnt be so dissapointed each time she replies to a man then tells them and hears nothing back.

sounds harsh but the example of being ginger or blonde isnt really the same type of example, being ginger, unless you live round my way, wont stop you walking up some stairs for example !

i use a dating site since splitting with my ex of 15 yrs and not sure if you have ever watched the show take me out, where the women buzz the guy out if he is wearing funny colour socks, smiled at the wrong time or just wore a black top and didnt match it with the right colour trousers, well, this is what its like in the real world also, on the dating sites anyway !

Its a harsh world out there, i wish her well but sometimes if you fit in a square hole, you need to realise you are a square
I agree it sounds like she has not yet come to terms that hey your disabled you need a wheelchair to get around. And I agree about the show with Paddy mcguiness the girls on it are so damn picky they are looking for perfection Good looking, faithful, romantic, rich it dont exist but they want to out do each other i see it all the time with handbags and s**t like that and engagement ring diamond size lol

If I go out with her can i use the motobility benefit toward getting a new performance car where abouts is she located?
Maybe she should mention the pros to being disabled then she will come accross with a brill sense of humour.

I agree with dating sites also the girls just want wined and dined and then go with who spends the most on them well F-that thats no for me lol

Then the best looking guys the girls complain about because the guys were players and dating other girls behind their backs!!!!

Last edited by delcbr; 09 January 2013 at 05:08 PM.
Old 09 January 2013 | 05:54 PM
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Originally Posted by delcbr
I agree it sounds like she has not yet come to terms that hey your disabled you need a wheelchair to get around.
If you're referring to the lady I've been discussing you couldn't be further from the truth. She's been disabled since birth so I think she's had plenty of time to 'come to terms with it'.
One of the questions she gets asked most often is "Do you wish you weren't disabled?" and her answer is that she has never known anything different so no, it doesn't bother her having to use a wheelchair.

What she wants is for people to see her as an equal human being, that's all
Old 09 January 2013 | 06:14 PM
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Originally Posted by fivetide
I blame Speedball II

spoon, i'm not sure that a disabled dating thing is a bad call. Tourettes chap wasn't introduced to someone with a disability and neither was the blonde lass.

She could probably use a regular one and seemed to have tried but went with a group that vetted people beforehand.

given the reactions mentioned already you really don't want to turn up and meet a bigot. It's good they offer to mediate sometimes. Tough call but hoing on the results, could be worth it.

Totally agree about disabled people just seeing themselves as people though.

My mrs is one of them.
Sure, if that's your view. On the flip-side, anything set-up for something specific can attract fanatics, keen followers, weirdos and in this case, possibly those that have an unhealthy attraction to disability, a fetish if you like.

I wait every year for Frank Williams to unveil his new car in the hope it just might be an adaptation of the old blue 3 wheeler to suit his image.
Old 09 January 2013 | 06:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Lydia72
What she wants is for people to see her as an equal human being, that's all
Lydia, reading just a small amount of views here only serves to clarify that is never going to happen. People largely are so blinkered, unaware, ignorant if you like because it simply isn't on their doorstep.

I don't know the girl in question but I'm willing to bet she has more about her than the majority of SN and therefore if anybody should judge her it should be on her ability not disability. If she can spell see already leaps to the top 5% of human beings.
Old 09 January 2013 | 07:21 PM
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In my post I referred to myself as disabled. I tend to write that or refer to myself as disabled because that word is all I ever hear when others ask me about my "disability". In truth I am not disabled, I am single aspect less able. That single aspect is walking. I swim, drive and have an active social life. I am as active as my mind. The only thing lacking is my love life hence registering with a dating site. Sadly some people are judgemental and all they see is the chair. So I have joined a dating site for people who do understand. I feel like I have given up and taken the easy option, but I also feel like choice was taken from me. I am what I am and that is not good enough for some people.
Old 09 January 2013 | 07:48 PM
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Originally Posted by magepaster
In my post I referred to myself as disabled. I tend to write that or refer to myself as disabled because that word is all I ever hear when others ask me about my "disability". In truth I am not disabled, I am single aspect less able. That single aspect is walking. I swim, drive and have an active social life. I am as active as my mind. The only thing lacking is my love life hence registering with a dating site. Sadly some people are judgemental and all they see is the chair. So I have joined a dating site for people who do understand. I feel like I have given up and taken the easy option, but I also feel like choice was taken from me. I am what I am and that is not good enough for some people.
Hope it goes well Magepaster, and your friend too lydia

Really good thread this, on a very diificult topic

Every post is well written and comes across as sincere

"There but the grace of god" and all that


Ps be a shame it if turns into a slanging match
Old 09 January 2013 | 08:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Spoon
Sure, if that's your view. On the flip-side, anything set-up for something specific can attract fanatics, keen followers, weirdos and in this case, possibly those that have an unhealthy attraction to disability, a fetish if you like.

I wait every year for Frank Williams to unveil his new car in the hope it just might be an adaptation of the old blue 3 wheeler to suit his image.
I think you are mistaking how they are run. A lot of them offer chaperones etc if you can't take a friend. It isn't like match or something where it could be anyone or they could be using someone elses pic.

They are, as I said, vetted first. Notice the blonde lass had to phone someone and have them arrange it? They sent her some profiles and she called to say who she might be interested in. She didn't need to message them or speak until the 'date'.

Mrs works with some as she is a support worker for disabled people.
Old 09 January 2013 | 08:58 PM
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Lydia whats your friends personality like is she a serious person or does she accept her circumstances and gets on with it and has a go happy attitude?

Reason I ask is have you heard of cognitive behaviour therapy its like changing the way you think about things turning it more positive. Iv done it. It works!! you can get it through your GP.
What i am trying to say is if she can think like: this is the way i am i cant do anything about it so i am not going to let it get me down and if someone doesnt want me its no skin of my nose. I am just going to have fun anyway!

You said shes in a wheel chair she needs some way of welcoming people to her perhaps i know if I asked someone out in a wheelchair the family or the person in the wheelchair would be so angry and probably call the police!!!!
a fun way is to have on her wheelchair i am single what are you waiting for come and speak to me or something funny like my wheels then ask me out! people might laugh but it breaks the ice for sure. Nobody knows shes single shes got to let people know somehow!!!!! as dating sites arent going to work really well people are too picky!!!!

You see the tourettes guy from Galashields Scotland John he wears a t-shirt it says Tourettes a best a man can get!!!!
Its a shame for him hes lonely too and wants to meet someone.


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