LOL I don't think my jokes are much of a rescue

 

well what more can i say lets just put


over 18s only

 

A builder goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table." The builder leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the *** with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping yer ar$e with cement bags."

 

oh lesley what are you like
here s me thinking i wil get bit of help from you

 

You know what they say...if you can't beat 'em join 'em

 

too true right ill do some digging for some jokes

 

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it
works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by
now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my
ar$e and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid c*w..........why else would I buy dog food??

 

now that is good its like going into bensons bed s and the sale guy saying are you looking for anything in particular i always say yesi am looking for a fish pond have you got any JIM WALKS OFF

 

PMSL I can just see you doing that too

 

thats the way to tell them, you go girl..

 

..

 

I DO THEY P*** ME OFF AS IF YOU WOULD BE IN A BED SHOP FOR ANYTHING ELSE SAME A S A CAR GARAGE ARE YPOU LOOKING FOR OWT IN PARTICULAR I SAY YES A KITCHEN HAVE YOU GOT ANY KN** H****

 

Help2003 you're living dangerously with your amended quotes

 

 

Who says it was me

 

 

Aileen, might know who the other person is lol

 

I don't think Aileen has noticed yet

 

maybe its above her lol

 

LOL will you be so brave when Aileen's back

 

ill get my own back you just watch HELP WATCH OUT

 

Right ... enough

Keep them clean or take them to the NYSOC own home.

I havnt got time to read them all but some of them were close... Before anybody gets infracted by the day crew get them edited or deleted

None of them have been rated so i dont know if any have caused offence. Please remember all of the people in your jokes are maybe in SNET and can take offence.

I have a gay friend.... best friend a girl can have

If somebody wants to post up the numbers of the posts that i need to look at then okay

Claire

 

told yer just luck the infraction bucket didnt come out PHEW

 

If you lot had been in NSR you would of been infracted by now

 

What you on about... Ive only ever handed out one

 

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:

These are genuine excerpts from the forms

01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

 

Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over.

The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"

"Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."

"SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed.

"I thought you were trying to bring her back."

 

 

HEY SYCIC POWERS BOTH POSTED AT SAME TIME SCAREY

 

dont mess with the wimmin