When I read it, I thought "That's the one !"
Excellent

 

But don't make the mistake that the chap made when he rushed into the pub and said to the barman "Do you want to hear an Irish joke?"

To which the barman replied "Well fella bear in mind that I am Irish, the big chap in the corner is Irish and the two even bigger mean looking buggers next to you are also Irish"

So the chap looks a little chastened and says "Well in that case I don't think I'll bother - not if I have to repeat it four times!"

(the older the better I say )

 

mary's out shopping for baby clothes when her waters break

she finds a phone to tell her mother

"be jesus" the mother shouts "where ya ringin from darlin?"

"from me fanny to me ankles" replies mary

 

irish police are investigating the discovery of 30 people found dead in a train station. all the bodies are stuck to the ceilings and walls.

a police spokesman says they think terorists have used a no more nails bomb

 

Paddy & Murphy are on a tour of the Vatican when the stumble upon a private room. They venture in.

There's a large number of Cardinals surrounding the Pope who lies motionless on a bed.

Paddy Says to Murphy - "Christ almighty the Pope's Dead". One of the Cardinals overhears Paddy and beckons them over.

"Look lads - we need to keep this quiet for a day or two - would you mind keeping it to yourself ?"

Paddy & Murphy agree and leave.

Once they get outside Paddy says to murphy "Look Murph - we should put everything we own on the Pope dieing - we'll clear up".

They agree and make their separate ways home to make their bets.

A few weeks later Paddy's driving through Dublin in his new Porsche and he spots Murphy in rags & begging. He pulls over and asks him what went wrong !

Murphy explains that he put everything he owned on the Pope dieng but had done a double on the Arch Bishop of Cantebury.

 

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the Prison Service for refusing to repair the Electric Chair...

...asked why he wouldn't fix it he said, 'In my opinion that thing's a bloody death trap!'