SMACS Muppet and Numpty corner
i did a bombing and fighter run today, first one I was a bit cautious and only used a few craft, did no damage whatsoever but lost about 3 aircraft, next run I did about 23 fighters and a good few bombers, better this time. Ground forces arent very good though so gonna deplot about 10k troops tomorrow 
.......*SMACS*...........
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From: Manchester - Official SMACS Cleaning Freak who suffers from OCD
Oh yes indeed - ive been granted the use of my nukes by the aliance
- the guy who nuked me has just been hit with 6 nukes I used my navy to blockade him so when he collects taxes he loses 10% of total earnings
I have -5 improvement slots now
.......*SMACS*...........
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From: Manchester - Official SMACS Cleaning Freak who suffers from OCD
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i did a bombing and fighter run today, first one I was a bit cautious and only used a few craft, did no damage whatsoever but lost about 3 aircraft, next run I did about 23 fighters and a good few bombers, better this time. Ground forces arent very good though so gonna deplot about 10k troops tomorrow
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From: Heart of Midlothian FC aka Hearts have the nickname "The Jambo's" - therefore I'm a Jambo too.
This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public.
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of Calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sirs, your obedient servant
???????
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of Calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sirs, your obedient servant
???????
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From: Heart of Midlothian FC aka Hearts have the nickname "The Jambo's" - therefore I'm a Jambo too.
The reply.....
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address/telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ??????
Community Beat Officer
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address/telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ??????
Community Beat Officer
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From: Heart of Midlothian FC aka Hearts have the nickname "The Jambo's" - therefore I'm a Jambo too.
The counter reply......
Dear PC ??????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community BeatOfficer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ***** that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <DATE>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
????????
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!
Dear PC ??????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community BeatOfficer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ***** that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <DATE>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
????????
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!
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From: liverpool the capital of culture 08
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From: liverpool the capital of culture 08
what do you mean? its sold subject to mortgage, we have had a offer accepted on a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge 4 bed with a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge fecking garage, just what i wanted, the other houses we were looking at were to big, and a lot of my money is now tied up in things. this house that we are hopefully getting though is just right