Suhail

The dog treatment for woman was a joke apparition. My wife was well trained before I got her, she is a good woman who knows her place and how to run a home and keep a husband.

Apparition

You two.... I should bang your heads together........


I'm just letting off steam, I hope to hear about my exchange on my house today(we should be moving on Thursday) so I'm in a bit of a confrontational mood this morning, you just happened to get into the line of fire..........

ProperCharlie

it's moments like these that the packet of chocolate buttons comes in handy

Drunken Bungle Whore

Sorry if I'm repeating anyone elses posts, but there was a lot to plow through!!

To be honest this is an almost imposssible question for anyone else to answer. Everyone's different.

I'm married but no kids. We both work full time and I actually spend a fair amount of time away from home and work quite long hours. However, I love being a hosuewife so I take on pretty much all the domestic chores - I cook, clean, wash up, do the washing. I even make sure hubby has a packed lunch each day and food in the fridge and freezer for when I'm away from home. I think the only thing I don't do of his is ironing! (I HATE ironing! )

I also pull my weight in the garden as I'm quite fond of gardening.

On the face of it this arrangement might seem a little one sided, but I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I love doing the hosuewife stuff. I sent him out with the boys on Saturday and baked him a cake and some biccies while he was out.

He does bloke stuff - cleaning the cars, heavy duty gardening, going to the tip etc. (Oh - and his ironing! ) And he always elts me know how much he appreciates what I do.

This doesn't mean our arrangement is right or would suit everyone - but talking about it rationally is betetr than having a barny. Maybe get a baby sitter and take a weekend away to relax, get things into perspective and have good talk about it all might help?

Sometimes you can be too close to a problem to see the reasonable solution - we're only talking about hosuework here, no one should get that upset over a few dirty dishes..?

Peanuts

iTrader: (15)

do a time and motion study and make the girl work for 8 hours.

IMO it is fair and resonable to expect the chores to be done, with a little helping out by yourself (DIY, Garden, Bins etc)

she may well have taken on extra housework with the baby but you've taken on extra responsibility being the sole breadwinner.
it is a difficult job being a housewife dont get me wrong but tell me you cant find 2 hours a day to get the normal chores out the way??
my ****

imlach

Err.....how exactly? He's doing the same job, for the same hours he did before presumably.

ProperCharlie

it would suit me! let me know if it doesn't work out, ok?

imlach

It sounds like your going to force an ultimatum on the woman Scott E Dog - sort it out, or I'm out.

Seems a bit harsh. Post Natal Depression does need to be ruled out. It is VERY common you know! It also doesn't just occur a few weeks after birth - it can begin often months & months after birth.

Why not go on Trisha so we can really see you getting booed & hissed off the stage

weapon69

Just refuse to pay for anything scott until she does some cleaning the hunger will kick in and living in the dark will start to get to her and she'll miraculously start cleaning....maybe

carl

Her baby?
It takes two to tango matey.

Peanuts

iTrader: (15)

but surely, even though nothing has physically changed to him, the extra responsibility is there.

I am the type who would rather leave a firm than work in unhappy circumstances, I am able to do this because mrs peanuts can cover a weeks salary here or there. If her salary was to disappear then I wouldnt be able to leave at a moments notice, hence, extra responsibility.

imlach

...and quite how does "extra responsibility" translate into deserving less to do in the home??? I don't remember "responsibility" as being measured in working hours

Jeez...I'm just waiting on the SN thread about wanting the vote taken away from women

Drunken Bungle Whore

OK - had a mooch through the other posts and a few things stand out.

- There is no 9-6pm working day when you're a mum
- It sounds like you 2 deffinitely need a break
- She really could be sufering post natal depression.
- She could be going out to coffee mornings because she wants to be known as "<insert her name here>" rather than Babys Mum.
- She could also be going because she craves some conversation that doesn't revolve around Postman Pat
- You go to work from 9 till 6pm and then you come home. She doesn't have the chance to "go home". Your day changes when you go home and you leave your work worries behind. If she's working 24 hours a day being a mum, then when does she get time off or holidays?
- I don't know the woman, but maybe she is a lazy person - it's possible. Why do you think she's behaving like this? On purpose because she wants to upset you, or because she hasn't realised how p1ssed off you're getting?

Anyway - I'm off back to do some work myself now!

Scott E Dog

Lots of stuff to think about - thanks... I'm just going to go through the last post as it is from a woman and I think that is the perspective I need the most. I'll end my contribution to ther thread with this too. Thanks for all your inputs!





Cant see why not (at the moment). I do the baby in the morning and for an hour when I get home. He then sleeps 730 till at least 5am...





I know I do, and some fun (that doesn’t cost any money!)





This could be the only logical explanation for ME feeling pressured and miserable!! I'm going to learn about it! It could be the key.





Of course... I'd like to be known as something other than 'grafter' too...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Drunken Bungle *****

- She could also be going because she craves some conversation that doesn't revolve around Postman Pat.

Again I understand, but taking an interest in getting a job that potentially improves our quality of life and future prospects would be a more creative use of time and resources. This would be so good for her too. Different conversation even.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Drunken Bungle *****

- You go to work from 9 till 6pm and then you come home. She doesn't have the chance to "go home". Your day changes when you go home and you leave your work worries behind. If she's working 24 hours a day being a mum, then when does she get time off or holidays?.

My key complaint is that I start work again when I get home and that my weekends are full of chores... I babysit on weekends too so she can have time to herself and do stuff.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Drunken Bungle *****

- I don't know the woman, but maybe she is a lazy person - it's possible. Why do you think she's behaving like this? On purpose because she wants to upset you, or because she hasn't realised how p1ssed off you're getting??.

She's wasn't lazy (she painted the kitchen 6 months ago - imagine my delight coming home to that & my respect for her), but recently my workload has been increasing at home and at work and the to-do' list is just growing and getting on top of me.. She hates the arguments but cant seem to react to their cause or do anything about it. She definitely knows how I feel. It just seems that if it's not to do with the baby she's not interested, and it all gets added to my to-do' list. I just don’t see that as an effective partnership or fair.

Scott

Drunken Bungle Whore

That would make me think she needs some additional support or someone to talk to. She might react badly to a suggestion to see a doctor or a counsellor, but how about helping her find a mother and baby group in your area? Or maybe there's an internet equivalent? (BabyNet? ) Perhaps you could find it and go on there yourself and post a similar thread (if one doesn't already exist)

If she could talk to other new mums also having the same problems then that might help.

Alternately try Relate. They deal in all relationship problems, not just marital breakdowns and, though I'm not a betting woman, I'd put a very large amount of money on the fact that you're not the only people going through this.

A lot of new mums make their whole world revolve around the baby because they're insecure and covninced they're a bad mum and doing it all wrong. I panic about what to do about my cat so god knows what I'd be like with a kid! It's hard to get past the fact that you're supposed to have "mothers instinct".

I don't have kids, but my sister does and these are a lot of the things that she went through.

Good luck.

Drunken Bungle Whore

He needs to save all his energy for other activites.....

JoanUK300

Scott..........seems like you both need a night out away from the baby. Take her for a nice meal, doesn`t have to be expensive, just the local pub will do and have a meal and a drink ON YOUR OWN.


When I had Harrison I found it so hard to adjust to being a mum, I couldn`t cope with being a mum and a wife at the same time, I felt weird that Peter still fancied 'a mum' but in time your feelings change but even now, 9 yrs later, I still get a guilt pang.

Also she may very well be suffering from Post Natal Depression, I did but again it was a year before it finally got on top of me.....I also had a craving for carrots which I had from 3 weeks before I gave birth and carried on for over a year after, it was this that alerted the GP to what I had wrong with me, so it could be a multitude of things!!!!!

AND I can`t begin to tell you how tired I was all the time, having broken sleep for more than a year takes it toll.........so please be patient with her and try and work it out.

First and foremost give yourselves a break away from the baby, if only for a couple of hours....



All the best
Joan.

Butkus

Hmm, I don't think I am ever going to get married, it sounds a nightmare!

weapon69

Thats what my other half thinks.

ProperCharlie

i "avoided" marriage for the last 8 years.

my parents split up when i was very young, and later my old man went through a highly acrimonious divorce with his second wife. i suppose all that put me off. but when it is the right time, i think you kind of know it. it seems natural to think of my partner as my wife, and as she seems to feel the same we thought we might as well make it official. it also helps with the legal situation, especially now we have a daughter.

the only thing that makes me sad is when i look at my little girl and think that my old man had that (my sister) and still walked out on us. i could never do that. it was my biggest fear in having a kid, but now she's here i know i could never just walk out on her (or her mum )

</sentimental old fool mode>

JFB

Well the fact that many subscribers to this thread highlight PND as a possible cause of your wife's "lethargy" suggests that ther may be a reason for her problem. I went through the same with my wife and it is tough on everyone, believe me. Despite your being commendably able to look at your situation quite objectively IMHO, you will not be able to sort this out on your own. While your wife is in this frame of mind, you will be the last person who will be able to say she's not pulling her weight. You are too close to the situation.

The suggestion for the both of you to get away is spot on. You need time away together without your child. But don't use that time to raise the sensitive issues or it will backfire large and I mean LARGE! Gently does it and by removing her from the Stress Area, you should see some of the old familiar wife returning.

There is no quick solution to this and you do need support from family and friends. It's a slow and tentative recovery for which you will need plenty of patience. Learn to bite your tongue, do as much as you can, read up on PND and give it 6 to 12 months. Her hormones are still in orbit!

You know what she was like before the birth of your child and it is quite reasonable to expect that woman to return but it will take time.

In my case after two kids, it took over a year for our relationship to revert back to norm. My missus could not lose the weight which added to depression and my witnessing the delivery at the "business end" did not help our xxx life. However, I chose to help her, got relatives over to stay and help out, kept the money coming in as I just wanted her to be there for my kids which is a luxury these days for sure. When the kids move out of primary school, then we'll see if she wishes to go back to work. That's not for another 5 years or so. In the meantime she has a good life as the kids are in school from 9 til 3.30 so she has time for shopping, gym, coffee etc.

She cooks most evenings but we have one or two takeaways at the weekend. She irons and keeps the house clean and decorated etc. I pay the bills and do the external work. She is flying out to see her family for a fortnight with the kids and I will then join them for our family holiday away.

However, no matter how good things seem elsewhere, it is always easy to take it all for granted. Appreciate what you have, stay committed without getting totally abused and compliment her when you can. You are working for your family's happiness as well as your own. Occasionally those priorities alternate but keep at it Scott.

Sorry for the sermon but it's just my experience.

JB

ProperCharlie

JFB - what a well balanced that post was. top stuff.

some of the stuff you say i can really identify with - makes me feel a bit better.

Scott E Dog

JB - what an excellent spot on post to close this thread on! I knew NOTHING about PND, and now I am using the initials as an acronym! It seems highly likely that this is the cause to turn my lovely girl into someone I have much less admiration for... She's back tomorr and I'll sort it out and be the beast of burden for the next few months - I am strong enough but all my house issues get put on hold forthwith.



It's a shame there isn’t more REAL info out there - I'm just a bloke doing his best, but the reality of many a situation is different and fuelled by the many taboos. E.g you mention ‘the business end’ at the birth, and yes I was there too, even when they got the tools and machines out. I cant help feeling that it takes a certain type of guy to whip his dick back out soon after that - and it certainly wasn’t me . Girls and the PC mob should be wiser in their demands/expectations IMHO as they already knew what I now know... Christ! that would have been enough to finish my dad off!!!! I however am nouveau confused homme, struggling for grip…



Anyway, thanks to all for their help here, and new dads, maybe look up POST NATAL DEPRESSION to spot the symptoms much earlier than I did...



Scott

Apparition

As a post script Scottie, please tread carefully.
As I said earlier, PND is insidious. It creeps up. If you go mentioning to your wife that she may have it, her reaction could well be that of denial. I know I wouldn't admit it to myself for a long long time.