StickyMicky

you are to soft, wheres your spine???

PIXIEDUST

Both myself and my husband work FT[i'm a nurse he's a printer] we have 2 children share the house work he does the DIY ,garden and cars I do the shopping cooking help th children with school tasks ,most of the time the house is given a quick lic and a promise on our days off we do a good clean,change the beds do the windows etc.IT'S a way of life matey ,chill out or better still get the duster out.

clare.purvis

Hi all

I found this quite amusing that some of you still seem to be stuck in the old times that if the wife is not pulling her wieght get her told.

I have two kids 3 and 1.

My husband works 7am to 6pm (in the sumer) and then comes in to get his stuff and goes back out gardening for people.

I work 8am to 3pm looking after my kids and then 4pm till 9pm and my paid job. (my mother looks after my kids while I am at work)

I also have to do the house work and looking after dog etc etc etc thats comes with it.

We also have two cars, i am not seeing why people are seeing this as a problem. You would complain if you came home and there was no food to eat because she couldnt fit the shopping on the pram.

I do moan that I have spent all day running after our kids and keeping the house tidy that he comes in and just wants to sit and do nothing.

I agree with Apparition she may have post natal depression, I had it too, thing is that she may not want to admit that she might not be coping as well as you expect her to. Have you ever thought that she is scared that she is letting you down if you keep moaning at her that she is not "pulling her weight" you are making her care less about being house proud.

If you keep trying to push her to doign more than she is you might just push her away from you!!!!!

Women need to feel more than just being a house cleaner and baby sitter and a sex object.

One thing that is missing her is you have never said that you love her and your baby (am sure you do) but this needs to be acted on more once a baby comes along. Even if it is goign out for a walk in the park with her and your kid and forgetting if the cooker has been cleaned or not.

Do you never get bored and sick of work? I am sure your missus does from time to time (the house cleaning being work).

Try sending her away to vist it friend for the week or weekend and see how you cope trying to keep the house as tidy as you expect it to be and look after your child including outings that are need to keep every one sain. See if you still think if it is viable for you to complain that she is nto doign enough.

Sorry if that was moaning but it drives me mad when people think that being a family is all about he works she cleans, there is alot more to it for it work and be a happy family.

Chill

Clare
x

mj

fair sharing of the domestic workload


After ten years of being with, and the last 5 years living with, I have finally managed to finalise the deal regarding chores.

DIY = me
wiping my own **** = me
getting beer from the supermarket = GF
getting beer from the car to the fridge = me
getting beer from the fridge to me = shared
house hold expenses = me 53%
Everything else,cleaning,shopping,finances( the list is endless, eh girls? ) = GF


when we were negotiating, we did some sums on exacltly how long the house work takes, this was about 20hrs.

then we did some more sums on how many hours a week we both work, me about 65 hrs, GF about 40 hrs.

So by my reckoning, I pay 3% more towards the house, and do 5hrs a week more earning.

am I getting a bad deal?

Scott E Dog

Pixie, I'd be alongside dusting with her were she too a full time nurse (particularly if she was cleaning the bath just befiore getting changed ).The KEY to what I'm saying is fair sharing tasks according to availible time, so please dont tell me to 'chill' - I am pretty chilled, but only have a finite number of hours in a day to achieve everything. I cant believe you think I should get the duster out after I get home...

clare.purvis

Not to sound harsh but why is dusting a problem? If she has been busy all day with other things why cant you help for an hour when you get hoem from work.

Didnt mean to be offencive by saying chill just that there is more to life that a tidy home.

clare
x

Walwal

Clare, you're missing the point imo.

You say both you and your husband work (same as me and my GF from tomorrow )

Scott's partner DOESN'T work.

It's not a case of living in the old days and telling the wife to get the house cleaned, it's a case of 1 person goes out making money for the house, the other doesn't therefore should at least work IN the house.

I'm sure if it was the other way around and Scott was a house husband AND looking after the baby that he'd sort out the daily chores.

She sounds like an idle girl to me (sorry Scott for calling your partner, just my opinion on what you've said).

Andy.

clare.purvis

Scott have you ever sat down and told her your concerns, might help her understand why you think she does nothing?

clare

Scott E Dog

It certainly klooks t be counter-productive, which I find pretty unfair, with the bags under MY eyes!!
Agreed, but the opposite is true too. I need to respect and value my partner, and not believe, based on basic facts and apparent effort, that I am being taken for a mug, or am just a walking wallet to provide for her baby
Maybe, but they also need to feel part of a hardworking, achieving family team and not act like a 'princess' above it all.
[QUOTE=clare.purvis]
One thing that is missing her is you have never said that you love her and your baby (am sure you do) but this needs to be acted on more once a baby comes along. Even if it is goign out for a walk in the park with her and your kid and forgetting if the cooker has been cleaned or not.
x[/QUOTE

The baby is easy to love as he is gorgeous and fun and fab. It would be easier to love her more if she pulled her weight and supported me a bit more. One instinctively has more love for someone you respect and admire a lot.

I have run houses for years on my own. Agreed its not fun, but it has to be done - it really is just afew well spent hours a week.

Youir reply was fab Clare, but I cant help feeling I am missing something elemental and key here. Where is this clash and diagreement coming from? Iit seems so simple to me. Availible time v tasks v quality of life aspirations. If I have to pay someone to paint a window for us or hoover (for e.g) because I do not have the time to do it, and she refuses, then we do not have that weekend away/meal out etc

Scott E Dog

>>Not to sound harsh but why is dusting a problem? If she has been busy all day with other things why cant you help for an hour when you get hoem from work.<<

But she has NOT Clare. Remember the baby sleeps for 4 hours a day - morning nap and afternoon nap should allow 20 minutes a WEEK to DO it. WHY should I do it - I get home knackered...

Scott E Dog

OHH CLARE!!!!!! You are just like her!!!! I DONT think she does 'NOTHING' Jesus Christ she does a GREAT job of raising our son. A GREAT job!!!! THAT is not the issue - PARTICULARLY when he's having a bl00dy nap! [I also do several GREAT jobs too!!!!!]

(sorry for the CAPS - I appreciate your perspective really )

PIXIEDUST

sorry did my usual and started reading the thread half way through ;did'nt realise that your gf did'nt work perhaps [i know this sounds childish]but draw up a rosta ,those old birds off that cleaning programme do it and it cuts out the aggro.

Scott E Dog

FPMSL Do they do it on Excel

Daz34

I reckon you have got an imprint of one of these on your forehead mate

clare.purvis

lol its ok hun, i know its hard, before i went to work after having my son my hubby and I used to have this argument all the time. That is why I decided to get a job, gets me out of the same daily rubbish and a welcome break from my kids (i love them wouldnt have it any other way but we all need a break), and it gave me a little bit of extra money to ease financial strain off my hubby and give me a little bit of pocket money to go out.

It is hard to find a medium that both you and your wife will be happy with at teh end of the day house cleaning is boring and mundane.

But after all life would be boring with out minor disagreements. As long as your all a happy family which am sure you are.

clare
x

jbryant

My wife is a Stay-At-Home-Mum.

What that means is I expect her to *full-time* be a mum to our two kids (3 months and 22 months). If I get home and she's done the hoovering then *bonus* - how the hell did she manage it?

The choice we made when we decided that wifey would give up her career (her earning substantially more than my very well paid IT job I might add) was that the kids would be better off growing up with her around (this is a long term thing, not just for toddler years but on through teenage etc.)
If she goes back to work then it will be as a minimum wage type job that fits in with her being there after school rather than the 70 hour/week international tax consultant she was before.

The choice was *not* that I expect to come home to a clean and dusted and hoovered house every day. The choice was that the kids would be happy and loved, and that they would always have the attention they deserve.

Perhaps my wife and I are different to the rest of the people who seem to think that giving up work to be at home with your kids suddenly means you have to be a slave to the house. As it is I still help out with washing, ironing, washing up, dusting (v. occasionally LOL ), everything. She does clean when she gets the chance but that's because her standards are higher than mine, and she'll reach breaking point with a dirty house before me. At the end of the day, I don't care about that stuff coz I know my kids are looked after by the best possible carer that they could possible have.

When the kids get to school, then the missis will have all sorts of time to do whatever is most appropriate but at this early stage, I would strongly suggest that you take a week off work, and swap roles (make sure she is out of the house all day - spa, shopping, whatever). I've tried it several times, and believe me, I am pleased to get back to the easy life at work!

She keeps saying I'm special, but am I really that weird?

Joolz

StickyMicky

hes not gonna take our advice, hes going to suffer in silence till she throws him out for not doing enough around the house

Echo

Top man! I'm the same with that attitude.

I was just wondering if Scott E Dog may be trying to do too much himself and maybe try to lower the standards/expectations of house tidyness for a while and take time out to take wife and sprog out for a few fun days out?

Hope it works out for you Scott!

Scott E Dog

Joolz you are weird (as you ask!). I don't see the two above tasks as being mutually dimissive. But then I only have one...

Ohh, and tough guy Micky, I havent seen or spoken to her for a week since I BLEW UP ABOUT THIS again... Happy I'm not a limp wristed 'new man' now...?

D

Scott E Dog

>>try to lower the standards/expectations <<

Rec Prod - I'm a product of my upbringing and their values. It's clearly a ridiculous internal battle I'm having: give in over something I consider feasible, achievable and reasonable, or pay maintenance and miss my son! No brainer really - if you exclude values, aspirations and pride...

StickyMicky

yes but your not changing her are you, she knows your going to give in, which is why she hasnt changed again, she is in control

Scott E Dog

Stick, I might 'win' yet 'lose'...

weapon69

Scott-i haven't read all the posts after yours, but does your missus intend on going back to work at all? I'm the sort of person that would need the interaction even for a few hours a week that a p/t job would bring.....i'd get pretty depressed being on my own with a baby all day, day in day out (i'm talking about myself btw-not presuming anything about your wife's lifestyle). What are your long term plans about the situation?

ProperCharlie

you can't always change people but sometimes you can reach a bit of compromise. why don't you suggest something like, when you come home you take the kid for an hour or some, which will give her a bit of time to do some tidying. basically, there's got to be give and take between you. coming home and kicking off about the state of the house is just going to give her the hump. i would try to put it like "i would really like it if we could try and keep the place a bit tidier" then maybe do a bit yourself, and see if she'll follow the example.

i used to have arguments with the missus about the washing up. imo her washing up standards were too low. eventually i just started putting all the stuff she'd just washed up back on the dirty dished side of the sink, and washing it all over again. she got the message . the other day she even started rinsing and drying the glasses! something that she apparently had never done before.

so don't give up on it being a lost cause just yet. women are like dogs - they need to be trained . if she does good, buy her some flowers or something. keep a little packet of chocolate treats to hand.

Suhail

This wife in this case sounds ill disciplined and lazy. My wife stays at home and looks after our children. She does ALL the housework and cooks ALL the meals. She is happy doing this and is glad she has a husband to pay for everything. Perhaps the lazy woman in the case here should try doing a days work instead of watching corrupt soap operas and programs about how to spend her husbands money on rubbish things for the house and garden.
Anything less would be very bad and I would have to take measure to stop this however hard.
I agree women need to be trained like dogs, well put.

Apparition

Scott...... Just come back to this thread, sorry for delay.
PND can really really be insidious, It can affect a person on many levels.
In my experience, I am not scared in the least of hard work, but it was like my brain was in mush, and I couldn't even think out the simple task of say.... cooking a trad breakfast. Nothing would go in order, thoughts were all over the place and you know what the MOST annoying thing was about it all ? The mornings were sh1te and the days were pretty bad too, then when evening came around I'd be feeling almost normal. Id be bright, happy even and on top of it all. Then next morning it was back to hell again. This is a typical symptom. To others it would look like the person was swinging the lead, its very hard to quantify but a chat with the right people would tell you if this is case. She might not even know herself, she might, (like I did for almost a YEAR) think she's just tired, just confused, just not herself, that it will pass....etc.
If she's been ok before then this is quite an important pointer.
Good luck mate. Confusing times for all.

ProperCharlie

excellent - we've found some common ground.

Apparition

Just had a minute to read a few of these posts.... they are very judgmental.
They mostly seem to be having a downer on the woman in question without the benfit of her side of the story....... I hope to God that she doesn't get to read some of them .

Apparition

Suhail and Proper Charlie.........

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

ProperCharlie

Apparition - just joking. sorry if it's in bad taste.

it is monday morning after all...