Think the planet is full enough

Besides, the families on Benefits who have 8+ kids, look to have taken the quota from us on here who have no interest in starting a family.

It's just a shame, any 2 people no matter how inappropriate they are to start a family (lets be honest, some out there should have been neutered at birth) can just start producing kids at uncontrolled numbers.

 

well I am a big fan - of both

married my childhood sweetheart - we met (she 15 me 16) in 1982

pretty much together ever since - and 5 amazing children later

yes you have to make sacrifices - but nothing in life truly worth anything, is easy

at its "worst" we had 5 children under 9, that was quite tough

but I love the dynamic of big families, large social circles, big boozy lunches/bbq's, loads of people on holiday, skiing etc (inevitably most friends we have, have lots of kids too)

it is fantastic when they all start to grow up and become people - but every stage is simply magical

 

Sorry did I just accidentally log onto to mums.net?

You can't beat a settled life and your own kids. You can't experience the life with your own kids unless you do it, nothing in the world makes you proud.
Married or with a partner it's no biggy really, I waited at least 8 years or so before we got married, only really for show and a party etc wine n dine. As I know the type she is I'm confident I wouldn't get taken to the cleaners etc and I wouldn't either.
Not that it would happen of course.
Probably been together now around 12-15 years I think.

If I wasn't married, I'd be in the wrong life garunteed as I have come from let's say, a stormy past. So I'm thankful I settled down.

 

I had to Google TLA as well.

Ah! TYVM. < That's an easy one, I know. Even I could make it up.

 

5 kids! You naughty boy!

I'd only ever want 2 I think. Although if the first 2 were both girls I think I'd want a 3rd in the hope it would be a boy.

 

Your love life stories sound really good, wish I met someone a few years ago and married them by now however I went through some bad faze's but did come out of a wider person.

Suppose things will happen when it's ment to although I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do with life.

 

well its not a given you get the choice

we have known couples who could not conceive and it is truly heart breaking

you have to be trying for over 3 years to get any kind of fertility treatment

not sure what the average conception time is but I think over a year

we have always been extremely luck in that department, and my wife always secretly wanted twins, which we got - no's 4 and 5

a puppy is next :-0

 

Try a tv and a packet of condoms

 

I have used that line (to great effect) hundreds of times

always gets a smile

 

I can't say owt mate my wife is due our 4th in march

 

4 kids. 5 kids.

How do you afford to bring up so many kids?

TBH, this is another reason why I never wanted kids. The financial impact. I see friends literately living hand by mouth. Wages completely gone at the end of month, and anxious to get the next months salary in the bank.

I'm quite selfish in that way. Always had nice cars, can just buy what I want (within reason) and never need to look at the bank account to see if I can afford food, or panic if the boiler breaks in case I can't afford to repair it.

 

I guess people like Hodgy have the capacity to bring up 5 kids comfortably; financially, human power-wise, and psychologically.

You say some of your friends living literally hand-to-mouth, I guess, because they have kids? I'm not sure about people getting poorer, because they have kids. To my knowledge, some people only have children to get richer with the incoming of the child benefit and Family Tax Credit benefits. Such benefits are not limited to single mothers who claim council houses. Over-breeding is practised by some couples that use breeding as their source of income. More children they have, more benefits they get.

Edited to put a disclaimer in, that with my first para, I do not mean that ALL people that do not want 5 or even 0 number of children don't have the capacity to bring them up; financially, human power-wise or psychologically. They may be very capable in every known field to the human mind, but if they decide not to have the responsibility of 1, 5 or more, they reserve a right not to have kids; just like the parents of 5 or more deserve a right to have 5 or more- as long as others don't have to contribute to their kids' upbringing.

Some people are certainly limited with their capacities, though. For example, I could only hack two. More than that would have been too much for me. That's regardless of me being a full-time housewife or a working mother. Even these two, whenever they fought as children, stressed me out something chronic, although they hardly fought. They weren't too bad, though. They're older and quite self-sufficient now, which is great. I, now, miss them as my babies.

 

Agree that some people have kids for financial gain. But generally they live on Benefits.

But I was meaning in general. They need regular new clothes. More mouths to feed, so more money paid out at the check-out. Christmas and Birthday presents. general kids expenses like school trips, pocket money etc.

Then there's the treats. For me to go to the cinema with the G/f, it's 2 tickets, & 2 meals out. For a family, it'll be 4, 5, 6 tickets etc, and any food bills. A trip to the Cinema and food could be £100-200 easily

They also have higher utility bills, as more people in the house, more lights on. More times the washing machine on. More water usage etc. And yet they still need to run and maintain a car.

Fair enough if you on a really good salary that happily pays for it all.And I suppose what one man pays out on his family, another man pays out for a new shiny car every couple years.

Like I say, I'm quite selfish that way. And I know quite a few couples who decided they'd rather have a career, a nice house, new cars, and holiday whenever they wanted.

One small example was when I worked in an office. Me and a couple others thought nothing of sticking £10 of a Lottery rollover each. While others in the office, just couldn't justify it, as they didn't have the disposable income to spunk away on lottery tickets, as I guess providing for the family was more important.

 

Money won't keep u company when u grow old mate
Children are a life changer

 

well you do have to make sacrifices - in all areas including financially

you just re-evaluate what is important to you

luckily driving a brand new car is way down on my list tbh

we still ski as a family, go in summer holidays to Italy, Greece etc

but yes I earn a pretty decent salary - our food/grocery bill is over £250.00 a week (not including alcohol)

then there is the riding/flute/clarinet/drum/dance/football/squash/singing lesson that have to be paid for!!!!!!

and the upkeep of a large 6 bedroom house - I do my own gardening though!!! :-)

but I still would do it all again - watching you children grow up and striving to give them the best childhood in the world is magical

 

5 healthy kids its priceless mate your brand new car won't carry you to the grave but your loved ones will and your memories shall carry on in there thoughts going through parenting is priceless and five times over hatsoff to you pal

 

Certainly.

 

Thank you

as regular posters know I am not really religious but I do feel blessed

Holding a new born baby for the first time is a very special and moving experience

Whenever I speak to a father to be I always say enjoy it - it is soo exiting

 

I'm selfish as well when it comes to money. Hate to admit it but I'm also very materialistic too. £250+ per week on food is shocking! I definitely couldn't afford that . ...and I thought £60 per week shopping at Aldi for myself and my fiancé was bad enough .

 

TBH 250 quid over 6-7 people (2 or 3 adults, 1 adolescent and 3 under 12s) and a cat isn't that shocking, if you divide the expenditure per head. Hodgy's cat alone must consume about 5-6 quid worth of food a week.

 

As many have said, don't do anything through fear of being lonely when you are older, or because that's what all your friends are doing now.

Marriage and kids is different for everyone.

I met my wife when was 18 and got married at 26. Lived together for 5 years before we tied the knot. Before we got married, we both discussed having children but both felt that it wasn't really for us as we viewed it as an unwanted expense and tie.

However, on our honeymoon (and I am not making this up!) my wife said, 'I think I want kids now.'
This did **** me off to start with, but the idea grew on me. I just laid down a few ground rules first such as having as much savings as we could get together and having our own house, not a flat. During sorting out the purchase for our first house in 2010, we fell pregnant (we were trying at the time) and we moved in 7 month before our first son came along. But **** me was it expensive. Having an expensive mortgage and raising a child with the wife on maternity leave meant a lot of 'toys' and 'hobbies' had to be given up. Such as the Scooby and Gym membership. But I knew it was temporary and luckily it was. As soon as she went back to work full time in 2013, we were much better off and had more freedom to do the things we wanted to.

I think if you have to sacrifice a lot of the things you enjoy, this can make you resent the child/children and that isn't fair on them. And whatever you think it will cost, double it and then some! But, this doesn't mean you can't be clever with you money to make it go further. As sad as it is, we love trying to knock a few quid off here and there of our monthly expenditure, because we know that it will just make our 'fun' pot all that bigger.

We have just had our 2nd son (10 weeks tomorrow). But, we planned much better this time around. Lots more savings to cover her being on maternity and then part time for a couple of years. In fact, I don't even think we are going to touch our savings, but its nice to have the slush fund there.

As for parenting, I love being a Dad. Yes, it does **** me off from time to time, but what doesn't in this world. Our first son and I have a very special bond. We go for bike rides together, play the xbox, kick a football around and generally try to have as much fun as we can. I am not really a baby 'fan' but I love seeing them grow up and develop. I do the odd feed and nappy change when the mrs says 'it's your turn' just to keep her sweet. But it has kind of fallen that I look after our eldest, Charlie and Marie looks after Matthew. That's not an exclusive arrangement by any means and we still do family things together, but in terms of getting up in the morning and putting them to bed.
A big plus point for me is that you know that you have a big influence on the person they become. Our eldest, although only 5, is caring, thoughtful and kind. Plus he loves cars. (wonder where that came from!)

My Dad was always very family orientated (and into cars!) and I guess that rubbed off on me.

Don't get me wrong, it isn't easy. But if life was easy, what's the point. Challenge yourself, achieve and move on to the next challenge.

But, and this is the big one, YOU know deep down what you want. And no advice on here should help you decide. Just confirm what you already know.

Have fun in life, that's all I'd say. And you can't have fun unless you really appreciate it through experiencing the bad times every now and then.

 

Cracking post that.

 

children certainly surprise you in ways you never thought they would

My eldest son was always into solitary sports - he is quite a good tennis player and plays squash for the county

although he likes football it is usually as a spectator - the mighty U's (Cambridge United) or at the Emirates

so far so good - and I used to laugh at the stories of the touchline mums & dads at Saturday/Sunday football getting all hot and bothered, fighting the Ref etc - and I remember thinking how pathetic (not the watching but the agro) together with I would never do that, stand by the pitch on a cold Saturday morning!!!

well my youngest son turns out to be football obsessed, both watching it at the Emirates and playing it

he plays 4 days a week in various teams (he is 10)

and there I am on Saturday - at the touchline cheering him on

and amazingly I absolutely love it

 

I found kids amusing, too. I still do. Funny as. Both of them.

All depends upon the mindset. If you have the mindset in favour of marrying and having kids, great. If not, best leave it. People that end up marrying and having babies reluctantly, or for wrong reasons are very unfair to their own self and more importantly, to their spouses and their child/children who may think that they were whole-hearted wanted, but get all messed up inside their heads because in long term, you won't be able to hide from them your half-heartedness. Children in particular don't even have a choice to choose their parents, so I actually admire the people who decide not to have them, if they know that parenthood isn't for them.

Some people on SN used to slag those people off who didn't want kids. They used to label them as selfish. I don't think so. TBH I think it's sometimes selfish to have children for the sake of it, for wrong reasons e.g. use them as a child benefit/tax credits magnet, or to fit your face in the society etc. That's selfish in my eyes. On contrary, I believe that people are more self-aware and less selfish, now. Therefore, if they decide not to have kids, they're doing a massive self-less favour to their unborn kids and to the society, which will have less messed up kids from non-genuine parents in it; as a great result. Sensible people.

 

That is such a good point that I hadn't even considered before. I'm very much an introvert and hodgy's lifestyle sounds like an utter utter nightmare to me. There must be absolutely zero time to himself and he must be constantly socialising with other people.

I'm willing to bet a high proportion of people who don't have kids during their lives are introverted.

 

You need to be 100% certain before you start knocking kids out, very bloody expensive if it all goes wrong.
I was with my ex for 7 years and never wanted any kids because deep down I knew I wouldn't stay with her.

Been with my Missus for 23 years now and we have a son aged 17.

 

Yes, interesting and I take your point

I don't want to make my life out as some wild never ending party, because it isn't

We do entertain quite slot, but that sort of comes with the territory (big family and friends etc)


I often say to my wife "what have we got on this weekend" - and when she says nothing

To me that's great news, as I also love pottering around the house and garden just with the wife and kids

And am quite happy to spend an evening reading etc

Although this weekend we are actually all going to London for a family party

But it is a good point

 

To be honest, you've just described my father.

Got my mam pregnant (not planned) and as it was the done thing back then, they got married and 3 years later had me.

Over the years (even at a very young age) I knew he wasn't really interested in me or my sister. Yes he'd do things with us, but not very often. Every weekend it was much more important to be out with his friends. In my teens, we hardly spoke, as never really saw him much.

He tried to build bridges once I hit 16, but TBH the damage was already done. If it wasn't for me going to work for him when I was 22, I doubt I'd have ever seen him. Conversation (even now) is very hard. He's not really interested in what me or my sister are up to. Asks every now and then, but you can tell he's not that bothered when you speak to him.

We lived in a village growing up. And in my late teens and early Twenties, when you want to be out on a weekend drinking with your mates, I'd ask for a lift into town. 99% of the time the answer was no. So it either involved getting 2 busses into town and a (very expensive) Taxi back, or having to drive. I ended up not asking anymore, and just driving every weekend when all my mates were drinking. Why did he refuse? Because he couldn't be bothered, and didn't see why he should put himself out for me.

I work for myself now, and he's retired. Don't think I've ever received a phone call from him asking how things are going, or how I'm doing generally. Unless I phone him, I'd never hear from him. Yet, his G/F slags both me and my sister off because we don't phone him every day to ask how he's doing. We've actually been accused (By her) of waiting for him to die so we can get our inheritance. You can't not really care about your own kids, then complain when they don't really care about you later in life.

So I think this has rubbed off on me. I'd hate to have kids, and treat them like me and my sister was treated. Not hit or shouted at. Just pretty much ignored. Not nice.

 

I think your tale is very similar to my sister

although my parents had 5 children she was the only girl

she was the only child my mother told was unplanned (unforgivable imo)

all the boys names stated with J - Julian, James, Jonathon and Jeremy (my parents were called George and Johanna)

they called my sister Aurelia - wtf

naturally she has never wanted children, and lives in a self imposed exile, it is quite sad actually

and her reason - when years ago I asked was basically the same as yours

 

Stilover, I am very sad to know how your father ignored you and your sister when you two were little and he continues to do so. Whatever his reasons for his detachment, he certainly isn't capable to father his (or anybody's) children. I agree that people's own experience with his/her parents can construct the mindset for having or never having any children. Some won't have any or many children because their own childhood wasn't a pleasant one.

It works differently for different people, mind. For example, a daughter of an absent father (she never even knew who he was) and a very sick mother (who she was a young carer for) decides to have at least 2-3 children from a stable partner and starts having them from her late teens. She's filling the gaps of her happiness, there. Another example may be that a child from a very large family (too many siblings) decide not to have any or many children because he/she always received highly divided attention and least peace, and she doesn't want to repeat that history with her own children. Some wish to have not less than 6 children because they found their homes too quiet and not enough fun, and they, in real sense, are typical extroverts.

I personally am a cross between an introvert and an extrovert. My son is an introvert with no desire to have any children, although he finds others' kids very amusing. I think he will be able to hack 1 or 2, if he has them. My daughter, a massive extrovert, wants minimum 6 children in future, because she wants her house much more lively than her parents' (us) house where she lived in; as a kid.