Grubby

Welease Woderwick

Geezer

He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!

Yex

It's my belief that these sheep are laborin' under the misapprehension that they're birds. Observe their be'avior. Take for a start the sheeps' tendency to 'op about the field on their 'ind legs. Now witness their attmpts to fly from tree to tree. Notice that they do not so much fly as...plummet.


'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!


Yex

Oz

Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms....Names that will live for ever. But there is one composer who name is never included with the greats. Why is it that the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandli ch-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shonendaker-kalbsfleisch -mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?

Penni Whitehead

.... oh dear.... guys .... oh dear.....
may I suggest - Gormenghast - BBC 1 - Mondays at 9:00 .... may bring a bit of sanity back...lol

Geezer

ANd when we got home, our dad would thrash us t'sleep wi' his belt!

Oz

Good! good? What do you know about it! What do you know about getting up at five o'clock in t'morning to fly to Paris...back at the Old Vic for drinks at twelve, sweating the day through press interviews, television interviews, and getting back here at ten to wrestle with the problem of a homosexual nymphomaniac drug-addict involved in the ritual murder of a well known Scottish footballer. That's a full working day, lad, and don't you forget it!

Geezer

Oz,
Have you a photographic memory, or don't you get out much?

Yex

I'm coming to them ... the great scallop. This tatty, scrofulous old rapist, is second in depravity only to the common clam. This latter is a right *****, a harlot, a trollop, a cynical bed-hopping firm-breasted Rabelaisian bit of sea food that makes Fanny Hill look like a dead Pope... and finally among the lamellibranch bivalves, that most depraved of the whole sub-species - the whelk. The whelk is nothing but a homosexual of the worst kind. This gay boy of the gastropods, this queer crustacean, this mincing mollusc, this screaming, prancing, limp-wristed queen of the deep makes me sick.

Or:

Oh, we use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and sealed in a succulent, Swiss, quintuple-smooth, treble-milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose.

Ho,ho,ho,ho,ho


Yex

Oz

Some people have made the mistake of seeing Shunt's work as a load of old rubbish about railway timetables, but clever people like me, who talk loudly in restaurants, see this as a deliberate ambiguity, a plea for understanding in a mechanized world. The points are frozen, the beast is dead. What is the difference? What, indeed, is the point? The point is frozen, the beast is late out of Paddington. The point is taken. If La Fontaine's elk would spurn Tom Jones, the engine must be our head, the dining car our oesophagus, the guard's van our left lung, the cattle truck our shins, the first-class compartment the piece of skin at the nape of the neck and the level crossing an electric elk called Simon. The clarity is devastating. But where is the ambiguity? It's over there in a box. Shunt is saying the 8.15 from Gillingham when in reality he means the 8.13 from Gillingham. The train is the same only the time is altered. Ecce homo, ergo elk. La Fontaine knew his sister and knew her bloody well. The point is taken, the beast is moulting, the fluff gets up your nose. The illusion is complete; it is reality, the reality is illusion and the ambiguity is the only truth. But is the truth, as Hitchcock observes, in the box? No there isn't room, the ambiguity has put on weight. The point is taken, the elk is dead, the beast stops at Swindon, Chabrol stops at nothing, I'm having treatment and La Fontaine can get knotted....

D Brown

And what have the Romans ever done for us anyway?

Yex

I am not a looney! Why should I be tied with the epithet looney merely because I have a pet halibut? I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabardo has a pet prawn called Simon and you wouldn't call him a looney; furthermore, Dawn Pailthorpe, the lady show-jumper, had a clam, called Stafford, after the late Chancellor, Allan Bullock has two pikes, both called Chris, and Marcel Proust had an haddock! So, if you're calling the author of 'A la recherche du temps perdu' a looney, I shall have to ask you to step outside!

Trout

iTrader: (1)

Penni Whitehead kissed me,
It nearly made me sick,
And I wasn't looking,
Oh, what a beastly trick,
Her lips were wet and slippy,
Her sticky little lips,
Did taste of salt and vinegar,
She'd been eating fish and chips,
I told she was yucky,
And she went off in a huff,
If that's what kissing girls is like,
I'm going to be a .....

.....Nova Driver?

PS Profuse apologies in advance to Penni

Oz

All right....I confess I haven't cut your hair....I hate cutting hair. I have this terrible un-un-controllable fear whenever I see hair. When I was a kid I used to hate the sight of hair being cut. My mother said I was a fool. She said the only cure for it was to become a barber. So I spent five ghastly years at the Hairdresser's Training Centre at Totnes. Can you imagine what it's like cutting the same head for five years? I didn't want to be a barber anyway. I wanted to be a lumberjack. Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia.....The giant redwood, the larch, the fir, the mighty scots pine....the smell of fresh cut timber! The crash of mighty trees!......With my best girlie by my side....we'd sing...sing...sing...

Yex

As we started dow this line....

I never wanted to do this in the first place!I... I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK!
Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia!
With my best girl by my side!
The Larch!The Pine! The Giant Redwood tree! The Sequoia! The Little Whopping Rule Tree!
We'd sing! Sing! Sing! Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay, He sleeps all night and he works all day.
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatree. On Wednesdays I go shoppin' And have buttered scones for tea.
He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, He goes to the lavatree. On Wednesdays he goes shoppin' And has buttered scones for tea.
I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing, And hang around in bars.
He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, He likes to press wild flowers. He puts on women's clothing And hangs around.... In bars?
I chop down trees, I wear high heels, Suspenders and a bra. I wish I'd been a girlie Just like my dear papa.
He cuts down trees, he wears high heels Suspenders and a .... a Bra????

If anyone wants the words for "The ***** Song" or "Sit on my Face" I'll supply them on Monday if not already published.

This thread has helped a VERY boring Friday pass more acceptably.

Good weekend everyone

Yex

Oz

Dear Sir,

I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the song which you have just broadcast, about the lumberjack who wears women's clothes. Many of my best friends are lumberjacks and only a few of them are transvestites.

Yours faithfully

Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong (Mrs)

Ps I have never kissed the editor of the Radio Times




Profuse apologies for my numerous Monty Python quotes.....but it cheered me up at least! Have a great weekend, everyone....

Tal

Ladies and gentlemen Graham Lister ( MD ) with Four laughs from Fat.........

Anders

Don't mention Sheep!

BarryK

Well, looks like rain again I raised a few head of cattle on the subject of her majesty close to many people's heart of midlothian.

Any views of the beach on the topic hazlenut in every bite of word association football?

johnfelstead

i wish to register a compLAINT!!