My Hovercaft is full of eels!
20 January 2000, 03:37 PM
#35
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Right......the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with raspberries is to....release the tiger. The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that it not only eats the raspberry-laden foe, but also the raspberries. The tiger, however, does not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile.
20 January 2000, 04:13 PM
#39
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Three shalt be the number thou shalt count,
and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out.
Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it
and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out.
Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it
20 January 2000, 06:07 PM
#46
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Don't give me that you snotty faced heap of parrots droppings....
Shut your festering gob, you tit!
Your type really make me puke !
You vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert!
Shut your festering gob, you tit!
Your type really make me puke !
You vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert!
20 January 2000, 06:20 PM
#47
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Look, strange women lying on their backs in ponds handing out swords ... that's no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
21 January 2000, 09:24 AM
#58
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'a little fermented curd will do the trick', so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!
21 January 2000, 11:36 AM
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Hello, last week on 'Party Hints' I showed you how to make a small plate of goulash go round twenty-six people, how to get the best out of your canapes, and how to unblock your loo. This week, I'm going to tell you what to do if there is an armed communist uprising near your home when you're having a party. Well, obviously, it will depend on how far you've got with your party when the signal for Red Revolt is raised. If you're just having preliminary apertifs - Dubonnet, a sherry or a sparkling white wine - then the guests will obviously be in a fairly formal mood and it will be difficult to tell which are the communist agitators. So, the thing to do is to get some cloth and some bits of old paper, put it down on the floor and shoot everybody. This will deal with the Red Menace on your own doorstep. If you're having canapes, as I showed you last week, or an outdoor barbecue, then the thing to do is set fire to all the houses in the street. This will stir up anti-communist hatred and your neighbours will be right with you as you organize counter-revolutionary terror. So, you see, if you act promptly enough, any left-wing uprising can be dealt with by the end of the party. Bye.....