Andriy Shevchenko: Ukrainian striker who is Roman's bitch. His prolific strike rate in English football is only bettered by Sir Peter Beardsley and Paul Robinson. Andriy spends a lot of time with Didhedive Drogba and rumours circulating around the Russian club is that Andriy is expecting Didhedive's child sometime in 2010.

John Obi Mikel: Son of Wan Kenobi, John shunned a life of trying to destroy the death star to become a footballer and so went to the home of football Norway. Played for a woman's team, Lyn Oslo, and then signed for Man Utd. Chelsea then offered him lots of money and threatened him with a Night with Kalid Boulharouz, so John told Utd he didn't want to play for them and joined Chel$ki. Utd pocketed 16 Million quid from the deal and went and bought Michael Carrick. Both players are **** so no-one benefitted from the deal really. Except for FC Lyn, of course, no longer annoyed with Obi Mikels mafia friends.

Steven Gerrard is the actual physical manifestation of God's will, he came to earth to bring joy to the world but also to punish unbelievers in God's (also known as Robbie Fowler) power.

"Sign on, sign on, with pen in your hand And you'll neeeveer get a job, You'll NEEEEVEER get a job."

sung in Scouse, on a loop and to the tune of the Spamfield Rap.