Swiss's Guide to how NOT to do car mechanics/fiddling!!
08 November 2009, 09:46 AM
#1
Swiss's Guide to how NOT to do car mechanics/fiddling!!
Following on from this thread https://www.scoobynet.com/scoobynet-...-your-car.html I was going to add to it, but then I realised that there are so many instances of me being a complete numpty, that maybe it warranted its own thread 
Air filter/induction kit
Had a lovely Powertec air filter on my scoob a while back. As I have championed the art of washing your engine by power jets, I did the whole covering the vital parts of the bay in foil and wrapped the air filter cone in a plastic bag. Did the normal spraying, scrubbing and then rinsing, all looked good. Removed the tin foil, cardboard on the IC and went to warm up the engine to dry off the excess. Just as I turned the key, I suddenly realised the rough idling coughing sound from the engine was not correct and I had forgotten the bag !! Whipped off the bag to find this after only a few seconds
Had to buy a new one the next day before I could go anywhere
Power steering pump
My pump went years ago and so managed to find a replacement from a local breakers. Popped into a mates garage where he was working on a car on saturday. Asked if he could help me. He was too busy but he showed me the basics and said I could borrow his tools. Went to work on it whilst he carried on his job. Was going swimmingly well * note at this point it must be pointed out that whenever something is going too well with me and cars, the butterfly effect kicks in *
I had fluid and grease all over my hands and it was a bit tricky but I carried on until I bent down to pick up a tool from the ground not noticing a rather sharp overflow pipe sticking out from the nearby wall. result ? Me sticking my forehead right into the end of the sharp pipe and nearly spearing myself in the head !! Rubbed my head and face as I swore very ****ing loudly which then covered my face in oil and fluid. Tried to continue but I couldnt see very well due to the blood pouring down into my eyes and so ended up buggering the banjo bolt !!
Had to admit defeat so went to see my mate in the garage. He turned around to see me covered in blood, oil and everything else and just stood there in shock ...after he had stopped laughing he finished the job off whilst I sat on the ground feeling like a numpty
Locks
Had washed my car on the sunday and boy was it loking very shiny
On the way to work on monday, I thought..mmm why not take the camera and drive to a very good spot miles away from the house for a bit of a photoshoot before driving to work. This place
Up on a hill with nobody around apart from a few dog walkers. Took all the pictures, looking mighty the scoob was. Thought better take some of the inside, so turned on the ignition to fire up the stereo and a few lights so the inside looked better for the picture.
Took a few shots and then closed the door.
You know that rather nice feature that scoobs have with the anti car jacking thing where the doors lock after a few seconds when you have got into the car and turned the ignition on ?
Yup, I heard a rather ominous clunk click sound and I was screwed !!
Tried all the doors, boot you name it whilst at the same time shouting, ****, **** , **** at the top of my voice
Had to walk all the way down the hill to the nearest petrol station, use their phone to call a taxi which then took me all the way home to get my spare set of keys. Got the taxi driver to drop me off a few hundred feet away from the car as I was to embarrassed to let him drive me all the way
Walked up the hill fully expecting to find the car gone, but no no. There it was still sat there with the lights on and the stereo quite happily blaring away !! Got in to find 32 missed calls on my mobile which was sat in the holder
Sloping driveway part 1
Nice block paving driveway we have, but it does have a slope ..uh oh I hear you say
Only me and the kids in the house so whilst they are playing on the computer, I decide to do a few fiddly bits on the car, nothing special but it does involve using my favourite tool...the trolley jack
Car is facing down the driveway. Handbrake is on of course , I mean I am not THAT stupid
Start jacking up the car at the rear on the rear diff, looks good
Then just as I walking back up to the front of the car I notice the car is starting to gently amble past me down the driveway
**** !!! I quickly halt its progress by holding onto the front of the car and then stand there wondering what the hell to do. A few neighbours come out and I have to endure a few conversations about the weather etc whilst trying to appear cool and relaxed ..with a ton car trying to push me over
My youngest son appears and shout to him to go and get his elder brother.
Why ?? what was I going to do..use him as a chock ?? anyway stand there for another 10 mins and no sign of my eldest son as obviously the little one has got distracted by a twig/his ear/a butterfly whatever
So start working my way down the car using the wing mirror etc to hold on. Manage to get to the back, whilst at the same time appearing casual so as not to alert the neighbours to my mistake. Find the jack and slam the car back down and then stand there wondering what I have done wrong
Took a phone call to a mate to enlighten me to the wonder that is the handbrake
Sloping driveway part II
Needed to fit my centre section. No mates were available to help me so thought..I can do this on my own !!
Obviously the centre section is in the middle of the car so I had to raise the whole car to get to it. I have all the tools, 4 axle stands and the good old trolley jack. Manage to raise the whole car onto axle stands and the rear supported by the trolley jack. Wiggle under the car and start attacking the old centre section. Now it is a bit rusty and so is not coming off easy.
Oh and it is a rather windy day and dont forget the sloping driveway
So I start hammering and wrenching away at the bolts to free them, getting rust and crap into my eyes, whilst swearing a lot. Wondered why the whole car was swaying a bit
Anyway as you gathered, since I am writing this, that I didnt get crushed by the car but I dont recommend it
Tyre shine
Lovely stuff this isnt it ?
Was out cleaning the car as per usual and whilst chatting to the neighbour, reached down to get the window cleaner. Sprayed it on and wondered why after a few minutes it was a bugger to get off ?? Carried on doing the rear window, same effect ?? Thought it must be the weather or something
Only until I looked at the bottle in my hand did I
that the window cleaner and tyre shine are in identical bottles..numpty !!
Anyway told my mate when I was over around his house helping him clean his car and it proved for a very funny story at my expense !
Only made funnier when an hour later he did his tyres with the tyre shine I had thoughtfully brought over. He wondered why after 20 mins the tyres were looking dull....yep window cleaner does nothing for tyres
Since I have started breaking my scoob, you can imagine that has brought with it, its own escapades. And you are not wrong so stay tuned for the next episode of Swiss ' makes a complete **** up '
Air filter/induction kit
Had a lovely Powertec air filter on my scoob a while back. As I have championed the art of washing your engine by power jets, I did the whole covering the vital parts of the bay in foil and wrapped the air filter cone in a plastic bag. Did the normal spraying, scrubbing and then rinsing, all looked good. Removed the tin foil, cardboard on the IC and went to warm up the engine to dry off the excess. Just as I turned the key, I suddenly realised the rough idling coughing sound from the engine was not correct and I had forgotten the bag !! Whipped off the bag to find this after only a few seconds
Had to buy a new one the next day before I could go anywhere
Power steering pump
My pump went years ago and so managed to find a replacement from a local breakers. Popped into a mates garage where he was working on a car on saturday. Asked if he could help me. He was too busy but he showed me the basics and said I could borrow his tools. Went to work on it whilst he carried on his job. Was going swimmingly well * note at this point it must be pointed out that whenever something is going too well with me and cars, the butterfly effect kicks in
*I had fluid and grease all over my hands and it was a bit tricky but I carried on until I bent down to pick up a tool from the ground not noticing a rather sharp overflow pipe sticking out from the nearby wall. result ? Me sticking my forehead right into the end of the sharp pipe and nearly spearing myself in the head !! Rubbed my head and face as I swore very ****ing loudly which then covered my face in oil and fluid. Tried to continue but I couldnt see very well due to the blood pouring down into my eyes and so ended up buggering the banjo bolt !!
Had to admit defeat so went to see my mate in the garage. He turned around to see me covered in blood, oil and everything else and just stood there in shock ...after he had stopped laughing he finished the job off whilst I sat on the ground feeling like a numpty
Locks
Had washed my car on the sunday and boy was it loking very shiny
On the way to work on monday, I thought..mmm why not take the camera and drive to a very good spot miles away from the house for a bit of a photoshoot before driving to work. This place
Up on a hill with nobody around apart from a few dog walkers. Took all the pictures, looking mighty the scoob was. Thought better take some of the inside, so turned on the ignition to fire up the stereo and a few lights so the inside looked better for the picture.
Took a few shots and then closed the door.
You know that rather nice feature that scoobs have with the anti car jacking thing where the doors lock after a few seconds when you have got into the car and turned the ignition on ?
Yup, I heard a rather ominous clunk click sound and I was screwed !!
Tried all the doors, boot you name it whilst at the same time shouting, ****, **** , **** at the top of my voice
Had to walk all the way down the hill to the nearest petrol station, use their phone to call a taxi which then took me all the way home to get my spare set of keys. Got the taxi driver to drop me off a few hundred feet away from the car as I was to embarrassed to let him drive me all the way
Walked up the hill fully expecting to find the car gone, but no no. There it was still sat there with the lights on and the stereo quite happily blaring away !! Got in to find 32 missed calls on my mobile which was sat in the holder
Sloping driveway part 1
Nice block paving driveway we have, but it does have a slope ..uh oh I hear you say
Only me and the kids in the house so whilst they are playing on the computer, I decide to do a few fiddly bits on the car, nothing special but it does involve using my favourite tool...the trolley jack
Car is facing down the driveway. Handbrake is on of course , I mean I am not THAT stupid
Start jacking up the car at the rear on the rear diff, looks good
Then just as I walking back up to the front of the car I notice the car is starting to gently amble past me down the driveway
**** !!! I quickly halt its progress by holding onto the front of the car and then stand there wondering what the hell to do. A few neighbours come out and I have to endure a few conversations about the weather etc whilst trying to appear cool and relaxed ..with a ton car trying to push me over
My youngest son appears and shout to him to go and get his elder brother.
Why ?? what was I going to do..use him as a chock ?? anyway stand there for another 10 mins and no sign of my eldest son as obviously the little one has got distracted by a twig/his ear/a butterfly whatever
So start working my way down the car using the wing mirror etc to hold on. Manage to get to the back, whilst at the same time appearing casual so as not to alert the neighbours to my mistake. Find the jack and slam the car back down and then stand there wondering what I have done wrong
Took a phone call to a mate to enlighten me to the wonder that is the handbrake
Sloping driveway part II
Needed to fit my centre section. No mates were available to help me so thought..I can do this on my own !!
Obviously the centre section is in the middle of the car so I had to raise the whole car to get to it. I have all the tools, 4 axle stands and the good old trolley jack. Manage to raise the whole car onto axle stands and the rear supported by the trolley jack. Wiggle under the car and start attacking the old centre section. Now it is a bit rusty and so is not coming off easy.
Oh and it is a rather windy day and dont forget the sloping driveway
So I start hammering and wrenching away at the bolts to free them, getting rust and crap into my eyes, whilst swearing a lot. Wondered why the whole car was swaying a bit
Anyway as you gathered, since I am writing this, that I didnt get crushed by the car but I dont recommend it
Tyre shine
Lovely stuff this isnt it ?
Was out cleaning the car as per usual and whilst chatting to the neighbour, reached down to get the window cleaner. Sprayed it on and wondered why after a few minutes it was a bugger to get off ?? Carried on doing the rear window, same effect ?? Thought it must be the weather or something
Only until I looked at the bottle in my hand did I
that the window cleaner and tyre shine are in identical bottles..numpty !!Anyway told my mate when I was over around his house helping him clean his car and it proved for a very funny story at my expense !
Only made funnier when an hour later he did his tyres with the tyre shine I had thoughtfully brought over. He wondered why after 20 mins the tyres were looking dull....yep window cleaner does nothing for tyres
Since I have started breaking my scoob, you can imagine that has brought with it, its own escapades. And you are not wrong so stay tuned for the next episode of Swiss ' makes a complete **** up '
08 November 2009, 10:35 AM
#5
Mate the best pointer i can give you is, See that jack you have holding the car up throw it away now. Stop reading this go find sed jack and kill it before it kills you!!!
Other than that if your near leeds you can come up to my unit for any small jobs as if i catch you on cctv theres £250 a time off youve been framed lol
Other than that if your near leeds you can come up to my unit for any small jobs as if i catch you on cctv theres £250 a time off youve been framed lol
08 November 2009, 10:51 AM
#6
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Did something similar with the keys. I was in a rush (going out for beer with mates) and my old 205 had a flat battery. So, the plan was to leave the engine running with the doors locked to charge the battery whilst I got ready. I slam the door only to realise the spare car keys were inside the flat, the flat keys were in the car and both the flat and the car were now locked. No problem - I can just about get my hand in through the letter box and open the flat. WRONG, so there I am with my car locked and running with me trapped with my hand in the letterbox unable to reach the door latch. People walk by, at first I say "no, no, I'm okay" when asked. Later someone has to help me remove my arm from the letterbox, skinning it nicely on the way. I then proceed to walk half a mile to the phonebox to call the RAC, who eventually arrive and open the car. I never did make the drink with my mates.
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08 November 2009, 11:09 AM
#8
Scooby Regular
I really wanted to say right at the start, is it worth the hassle of breaking to not just let it go a big cheaper. Still keeps you in trouble and us amused fantastic write up, the chock comment is hilarious!
I locked myself out my UK car twice - both times with the engine running!
First time I was jump starting the wifes car and turned the throttle linkage by hand - the auto lock on the alarm locked the doors over 1500rpm. Our 3 year old daughter was in the back laughing and we were getting soaked as it was raining. Panic set in when she couldn't undo her car seat harness and press the window button.
fortunately she was able to lean forward and wind it down for us.
Second time showing off after a race meeting for RC cars (it was a regional so I had a good audience. Again turned the linkage so the crowd could hear the awesomeness of my HKS SSQV and the doors locked again. The car was running for about 45 mins and finally used some wire to push between the glass and the rubber seal to the rear window button.
fantastic write up, the chock comment is hilarious! I locked myself out my UK car twice - both times with the engine running!
First time I was jump starting the wifes car and turned the throttle linkage by hand - the auto lock on the alarm locked the doors over 1500rpm. Our 3 year old daughter was in the back laughing and we were getting soaked as it was raining. Panic set in when she couldn't undo her car seat harness and press the window button.
fortunately she was able to lean forward and wind it down for us. Second time showing off after a race meeting for RC cars (it was a regional so I had a good audience. Again turned the linkage so the crowd could hear the awesomeness of my HKS SSQV and the doors locked again. The car was running for about 45 mins and finally used some wire to push between the glass and the rubber seal to the rear window button.
Last edited by EddScott; 08 November 2009 at 11:11 AM.
08 November 2009, 08:07 PM
#10
Swiss' Guide to how not to break your car
So I decided a while ago to break my scoob instead of selling it. Now as you have gathered by the thread so far, my problem is this :
I have bags of enthusiasm but **** all knowledge or common sense
But hey, when has the daunting task of taking apart a car been a challenge for me ?
So I started, armed with a huge socket set, screwdrivers, my trusty trolley jack and a hammer
First off was the interior. Now that I can do. Though I did have a bit of a moment with the dash which somehow those little japananese dwarfs had managed to locate a sole bolt right under the bloody dash. There I was with my body right underneath the dash and my head up by the pedals trying to find the ****ing bolt when my little one came out to see what Daddy was doing
Well the poor little thing learnt some new words that day, which was partly her fault as whacking daddy in my crotch with a wrench trying to get my attention, was not exactly helping me
Anyway buoyed by my success at the interior (remember the butterfly effect I mentioned ) I started underneath the car.
Exhaust system
A friend popped around to watch me tackle this and it was raining a bit whilst underneath the car, but I was fairly dry apart from legs sticking out from the car. Anyway as the centre section and backbox were pretty much stuck, I had to resort to my usual twatting it with a hammer ploy and using two spanners. Wondered why whilst I was underneath the car and the rain had stopped, I was still getting soaked
Anyway managed to get so much rust and crap into my eyes, I couldnt see very well and managed to drop the backbox onto my chest and head . Then I climbed out to discover that my so called friend had been busy collecting the rainwater and throwing it in big handfuls onto my jeans
The alternator episode
Decided to tackle some of the anchillaries on the engine and as they looked pretty easy, that would be no problem for me !! Besides if you have been reading the thread, you will have noticed that I am a dab hand at the power steering pump so that would come off at the same time
A friend was down staying so he came out to watch. I was explaining to the young lad (being all knowledgeable ) that these engines are pretty easy to sort out...yeah right
Whilst undoing the alternator with a socket on the retaining bolt, there was a MASSIVE spark which made him go **** !!! and jump back and which made me mutter something worse and chuck the socket in the air, not without pretty much touching every metal part of the engine bay on my out
We stood there for a minute wondering why that had happened and him going
"umm..is that meant to happen ??? "
" Ummm..dont think so !! "
Came inside to tell the good lady what had happened and her first question was
"Did you disconnect the battery ? "
Turbo removal
Wanted to get the turbo off because there were a few people wanting it and so after I had done the backbox and centre section, I started on the turbo housing etc. It is always the bloody case isnt it !! There is always one sodding bolt that wont come undone. No matter how hard we tried and how much WD40 we sprayed, it just wouldnt budge.
Couple of mates around to help (though I swear they either come around to laugh at me or to save me from causing more harm to myself
)
So it was decided the best way to do it was to grind off the bolts to the up-pipe from the headers and bring the whole lot up. Cue the use of a rather big grinder with sparks going everywhere !!
Success !!! It came out eventually and whilst we were standing there enjoying a celebratory cigarette one of mates who was using the grinder remarked on all the fluid around the engine bay.He wasnt too best pleased when I told him that it was probably power steering fluid !!!
More to come no doubt
I have bags of enthusiasm but **** all knowledge or common sense
But hey, when has the daunting task of taking apart a car been a challenge for me ?
So I started, armed with a huge socket set, screwdrivers, my trusty trolley jack and a hammer
First off was the interior. Now that I can do
. Though I did have a bit of a moment with the dash which somehow those little japananese dwarfs had managed to locate a sole bolt right under the bloody dash. There I was with my body right underneath the dash and my head up by the pedals trying to find the ****ing bolt when my little one came out to see what Daddy was doing Well the poor little thing learnt some new words that day, which was partly her fault as whacking daddy in my crotch with a wrench trying to get my attention, was not exactly helping me
Anyway buoyed by my success at the interior (remember the butterfly effect I mentioned
) I started underneath the car.Exhaust system
A friend popped around to watch me tackle this and it was raining a bit whilst underneath the car, but I was fairly dry apart from legs sticking out from the car. Anyway as the centre section and backbox were pretty much stuck, I had to resort to my usual twatting it with a hammer ploy and using two spanners. Wondered why whilst I was underneath the car and the rain had stopped, I was still getting soaked
Anyway managed to get so much rust and crap into my eyes, I couldnt see very well and managed to drop the backbox onto my chest and head . Then I climbed out to discover that my so called friend had been busy collecting the rainwater and throwing it in big handfuls onto my jeans
The alternator episode
Decided to tackle some of the anchillaries on the engine and as they looked pretty easy
, that would be no problem for me !! Besides if you have been reading the thread, you will have noticed that I am a dab hand at the power steering pump so that would come off at the same time A friend was down staying so he came out to watch. I was explaining to the young lad (being all knowledgeable ) that these engines are pretty easy to sort out...yeah right
Whilst undoing the alternator with a socket on the retaining bolt, there was a MASSIVE spark which made him go **** !!! and jump back and which made me mutter something worse and chuck the socket in the air, not without pretty much touching every metal part of the engine bay on my out
We stood there for a minute wondering why that had happened and him going
"umm..is that meant to happen ??? "
" Ummm..dont think so !! "
Came inside to tell the good lady what had happened and her first question was
"Did you disconnect the battery ? "
Turbo removal
Wanted to get the turbo off because there were a few people wanting it and so after I had done the backbox and centre section, I started on the turbo housing etc. It is always the bloody case isnt it !! There is always one sodding bolt that wont come undone. No matter how hard we tried and how much WD40 we sprayed, it just wouldnt budge.
Couple of mates around to help (though I swear they either come around to laugh at me or to save me from causing more harm to myself
)So it was decided the best way to do it was to grind off the bolts to the up-pipe from the headers and bring the whole lot up. Cue the use of a rather big grinder with sparks going everywhere !!
Success !!! It came out eventually and whilst we were standing there enjoying a celebratory cigarette one of mates who was using the grinder remarked on all the fluid around the engine bay.He wasnt too best pleased when I told him that it was probably power steering fluid !!!
More to come no doubt
08 November 2009, 08:47 PM
#15
Scooby Regular
what were the reasons for breaking the car swiss?
what was the car worth - whole
what have you got, or expect to get breaking it
just interested, don't answer if you dont want to
what was the car worth - whole
what have you got, or expect to get breaking it
just interested, don't answer if you dont want to
08 November 2009, 09:31 PM
#18
BANNED
08 November 2009, 10:22 PM
#19
A turbo timer is useful for not locking yourself out....... would NEVER leave it running with the keys in the ignition (car crime levels round here are shocking) but anyway, leave the car running on the timer and keep your keys in your hand!!
Great thread BTW - you should get your mates to bring a video camera round with them, you could have your own weekly slot on YBF AND end up with an extra few hundred quid as a result of breaking your scoob
Great thread BTW - you should get your mates to bring a video camera round with them, you could have your own weekly slot on YBF AND end up with an extra few hundred quid as a result of breaking your scoob
09 November 2009, 09:31 AM
#20
A turbo timer is useful for not locking yourself out....... would NEVER leave it running with the keys in the ignition (car crime levels round here are shocking) but anyway, leave the car running on the timer and keep your keys in your hand!!
Great thread BTW - you should get your mates to bring a video camera round with them, you could have your own weekly slot on YBF AND end up with an extra few hundred quid as a result of breaking your scoob
Great thread BTW - you should get your mates to bring a video camera round with them, you could have your own weekly slot on YBF AND end up with an extra few hundred quid as a result of breaking your scoob
Good idea of the video, though it would be a shaky picture due to my mates laughing too much
09 November 2009, 12:31 PM
#21
Scooby Regular
sad but true
(obviously not factoring in time etc)
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