WRXTek

Oil Change Instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
* Oil Change? $20.00
* Coffee? $1.00
* Total? $21.00.


Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1 Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2 Discover that the used oil container is full.? Instead of taking
it back go to O'Reilly's to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3 Open a beer and drink it.
4 Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5 Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6 In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7 Place drain pan under engine.
8 Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9 Give up and use crescent wrench.
10 Unscrew drain plug.
11 Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in the process.
12 Clean up mess.
13 Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14 Look for oil filter wrench.
15 Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16 Beer.
17 Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.? Finish oil change tomorrow.
18 Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19 Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20 Beer. No, drank it all yesterday
21 Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22 Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23 Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24 Remember drain plug from step 11.
25 Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26 Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.? Say to self: IDIOT!!
27 Drink beer.
28 Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29 Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30 Drink beer.
31 Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32 Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33 Begin cussing fit.
34 Throw wrench.
35 Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992).
36 Beer.
37 Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38 Beer.
39 Beer.
40 Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41 Beer.
42 Lower car from jack stands.
43 Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44 Move car back, apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45 Beer.
46 Test drive car.
47 Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48 Car gets impounded.
49 Make bail.
50 Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
* Parts? $50.00
* DUI? $2500.00
* Impound fee? $75.00
* Bail? $1500.00
* Beer? $25.00
* Total--? $4150

---But you know the job was done right!


found on another forum: No source mentioned

pslewis

The Oil Change according to the Old Ladies on here:-

1. Remove Oil Filler Cap, 'gently' - take at least 5 minutes or the threads will strip and the exhaust will fall off in a weeks time.

2. Carefully jack up the front of car, make sure that only the 'special' car jacking points are used or the steering wheel will be upside down next time you see it (the special jack points are only known to a select few, not the main dealers!)

3. Locate the Sump Plug, do this using an Inspection Lamp with a 100W bulb - do not, under any circumstances, use a bulb of lower wattage or the splash cover under the engine will melt and pieces will be sucked up into the MAF and then immediate engine failure will occur.

4. Undo Sump Plug whilst humming 'Oil Be Home For Xmas' - do NOT sing any other song or the Radio will never tune into any local stations again and the aerial will need to be replaced at the next service.

5. Allow Oil to drain into a Tupperware Perspex Jug - use only perspex as other plastics react with the old oil and particles travel back through the draining oil and attack the Big-End Bearings.

6. Whilst Oil is draining run around car 15 times in a Morris Dancing Outfit with the special Subaru bells attached to shoes.

7. Remove Oil Filter by unscrewing anti-clockwise 5 times, then clockwise 2 times, continue until filter is free ..... failure to do this will result in the new Filter not filling up with Oil on start-up.

8. Fill Oil Filter with Oil and screw new Oil Filter on and replace Sump Plug - there is some discussion about the order that these need to be replaced, many an evening in a B.O. smelling corner of a dark pub has been spent mulling over the merits of both choices ..... there is a 'special' way, but we are not sure what it is yet.

9. Start filling the engine with Oil - Synthetic only please!! and of course, Subarus need 'special' Oil - Mobil made a 'special' Oil just for us!!

10. Now it gets complicated, the engine start procedure ...... remove the spark plugs, coil packs and battery - remove the seats and rear boot/tailgate - ensure Octane Booster is removed from tank as it might spontaneously start the car when you are not ready - take the drive belts off - turn engine over, s....l....o....w....l....y - engine should be turned over at least 67 times to ensure adequate Oil film coverage.

11. Return all components and start engine whilst whistling the theme tune to TITANIC ................ if you are VERY lucky the engine will not shoot a con-rod through the block (this normally happens to MY96 cars which are MicaPink in colour) - but ALL Model Years can be affected equally as bad.

12. If the engine started without any problems, then don't be smug as the MAF sensor will blow up your engine within 3 days in any case!!!!!

It's still funny after all these years

jjones

think you missed the step about pre filling the new filter for at least a week before the oil change date (topping up every hour).