amahrap

I found this on SIDC and nearly wet myself reading it so i thought i would share it more widely (if it is SIAL then i apologise) - haven't giggled so much in ages. In aircraft engineering we use a system called simplified english where each of the engineering terms is fully defined, eg 'check' and 'inspect' are similar but have definite (different) meanings so i fully understand where the author is coming from.

All of you that have ever skinned your knuckles under a car wth a Haynes comic in hand will love this.

I will personally own up to at some point in my career doing 1,2,3,5,7,9,18 and lots of 24 & 25 !!

(and yes even on aircraft sometimes - although any damage was always fixed so don't worry about things falling from the sky)

Haynes Maunual Translations

1. Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

2. Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

3. Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

4. Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start.
Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

5.Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

6. Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

7. Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"

8. Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

9. Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

10. Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

11. Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you.

12. Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

13. Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

14. Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

15. Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

16. Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

17. Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

18. Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

19. Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

20. Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

21. Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

22. Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

23. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

24. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

25. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

26. Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

27. Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Use your RAC Card & Mobile Phone.

28. Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother.
Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

29. Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar the particular job you need to do.

alcazar

iTrader: (2)

Excellent LOL;

Alcazar

X30NGO

hahaha sooooo true!!!

That makes a funny read lol.

rob84

iTrader: (5)

fpmsl

craigdmcd

iTrader: (2)

Points 15 and 16 - well I've never seen 5 spanners as the highest I've seen was 4 and that basically included split your Focus to a bare shell, split the engine, bore it out, port and polish the heads (with a fake Dremel from B&Q for £17), rebuild same, rebuild shell, managing to completely paint car in pearlescent colour (using a calor gas burner to turn you garage into a paint oven), oh, not forgetting to rebuild every suspension component whilst waiting on the paint to dry. And this was a 4 spanner job - wonder what you have to do to get 5 spanners? (Maybe that's what Prodrive Mechanics have to do - so Petter can thank Haynes for his poor showing in the WRC this year!)

amahrap

5 spanners = all of the above and no skin missing at all?

X30NGO

if thats 4, changing the fuel filter on my last focus must have been a 5 spanner rating, with the clips put on backwards, it was actually impossible!

silent running

ROFL that's the funniest thing I've seen on SN for months!!! And of course, all true. I just embarked on a 4 spanner job with my mate; he just picked up a 205 GTi for a winter project, and like fools we thought it would be a laugh to fix up for the track next year. First job? It's blowing smoke so the head needs to come off which I've never done before. That's 4 spanners and it's exactly like all of these jobs 1. Go back to chapter 3 and do all of that which is a 3 spanner job in itself. 2. Go to chapter 7 and do all of that which is another 3 spanner job. 3. Now find that the simple 1 spanner sub-job that you are now attempting cannot be done without new parts from Peugeot because you had to destroy something to get at the right belt etc etc.

I seem to recall a cambelt change on a Clio 16v/Williams was a 5 spanner job because it was akin to that trial on I'm a Celebrity where they put their hands in the dark, narrow hole to collect a star. Except this time you put your whole arm in to try and get at the pulleys and do the belt change from the side.

hojkoff

I presume that you've taken the engine out yeah?

BTW that's not a joke. From one pug owner to the next who’s tried to take the head off a Peugeot engine I would take the whole thing out, burn the Haynes manual and take the bits of that are holding the head to the block. Remember how you took everything off and put it all back on again.

I tried to take the head of my old pug last year with the engine in the car. When we started we though "will we take the engine out or not?" We choose not to and through out the ENTIRE job (and we didn't succeed btw) we kept saying "yup, that would be easier with the engine out the car." Haynes will tell you to keep it in but for god sake DON'T!

oh and don't forget that you'll warp the head if you take out/put back in the bolts in the wrong order. See the Haynes manual for the right order....so try not to actually burn it...

James Neill

iTrader: (1)

Superb

Reffro

Carrying on from the original post here are a few more including some of the originals. Before you complain, at least I didn't start a new thread......

Haynes: Rotate anti-clockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anti-clockwise. You do know which way is anti-clockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell, matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go and buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that? It nearly had my eye out!"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing, then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny little number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "**" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC card & mobile phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply maximum heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that, since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustration's notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.

~ ~ ~ ~

HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F..."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-poo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm
howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short

jimmyv

so true.